Celebrities

A letter to Jesse James

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Dear Jessie,

You Stupid Bastard!  You cheated on Sandra Bullock?

How in the world can you be so stupid?  You are married to one of the most beautiful women in the world.

She has a body to die for and her current wealth shadowed only by Oprah.

Your wife recently beat out Julia Roberts in the polls and is now named “America’s Sweetheart.” 

You also remember, she just one an Oscar and praised you up and down in front of the world while you were porkin’ away.

 You are really a piece of work!  You are the most hated asshole cheater on the planet! 

 How can you live with yourself!

 I only have one thing to say to the despicable, miserable, cheating piece of shit that you are:

Thanks for taking the heat off of me.

Let’s do lunch.
 

 ~Tiger

Thanks Gene

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First there was Madonna and Oprah – Now Lindsay?

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According to the New York Post, Lindsay Lohan has filed a ONE-HUNDRED MILLION DOLLAR lawsuit against E-Trade for featuring a toddler named “Lindsay” in one of their eminently adorbz stock-trading baby ads (above), which allegedly “violated Lohan’s rights under New York state civil-rights law.”

How’s that, you ask? Well, according to Lindsay Lohan’s lawyer, Stephanie Ovadia, “the actress has the same single-name recognition as Oprah or Madonna.”

Needless to say, this is the single most frivolous lawsuit ever brought against anyone ever forever. And to all the millions of girls named “Lindsay” currently basking in the reflected sheen of well-deserved celebrity bouncing off The One True Lindsay: Watch your backs. One-hundred-million-dollar drug habits don’t feed themselves, you know.

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