Jokes

The Fateful class reunion

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He was a widower and she a widow. They had known each other for a number of years, having been high school classmates and having attended class reunions in the past without fail.

This 60th anniversary of their class, the widower, and the widow made a foursome with two other singles. They had a wonderful evening, their spirits high, with the widower throwing admiring glances across the table and the widow smiling coyly back at him.

Finally, during one dance, he picked up the courage to ask her, “Will you marry me?”

After about 6 seconds of careful consideration, she answered, “Yes, yes I will!”

Needless to say, the evening ended on a happy note for the widower. However, the next morning he was troubled. Did she say “Yes” or did she say `No`? He couldn’t remember. Try as he would, he just could not recall. He went over-and-over the conversation of the previous evening, but his mind was blank. He remembered asking the question, but for the life of him could not recall her response.

With fear and trepidation, he picked up the phone and called her. First, he explained that he couldn’t remember as well as he used to Then he reviewed the past evening. As he gained a little more courage, he then inquired of her, “When I asked if you would marry me, did you say “Yes” or did you say “No”?

“Why, you silly man,” she replied, I said Yes. Yes, I will! And I meant it with all my heart!”

The widower was delighted. He felt his heart skip a beat.

Then she continued. “And I’m so glad you called. I couldn’t remember who asked me”.

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quite the bargain, however

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Artifacts and gifts for tourists are a major portion of an Indian reservation’s economy.

Thousands of visitors tour reservations each year and will not leave without purchasing at least one memento of traditional Indian culture.

One enterprising Native American was able to outsell all of his competitors in the category of wooden dolls by selling them at a fraction of the cost others had to charge for them. Upon examining his dolls closely, they found that where hard wood was traditionally used, this particular Native American would use cheap pine on which he glued thin pieces of fine mahogany, thus being able to produce the dolls at an incredibly reduced price.

While he claimed his dolls were still authentic Indian dolls, his competitors complained that they were only cheap Sioux veneers.

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A Symphony of baseball pun

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The municipal philharmonic symphony and chorus were rehearsing Symphony No. 9 by Ludwig Von Beethoven.

Since the chorus doesn’t enter until the final movement, the singers were becoming very bored – especially the men in the back row. Then the basses had a clever idea. During the break, they tied a nylon fishline around the conductor’s score, four pages prior to the beginning of the last movement. They ran the line up through a roof vent, across the street and down into Joe’s tavern. This allowed them to relax at the bar chugging brews, and when the line jerked, they could run across the street and take their places in the chorus at the precise time.

Their plan worked flawlessly, especially when the conductor paused before continuing, to have the trombones, who were playing somewhat flat, tune their instruments.

So all singers were in readiness as the conductor raised his baton. Well….. almost all… except for the two men who had passed out at the bar.

And so, therefore, this became the first case in musical history where it was the bottom of the ninth, the basses were loaded, the score was tied, there were two out, the lead-off man was up and the inside pitch was low.

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Those pesky nuns and their wanton ways

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An old drunk is on his way into a bar when a nun standing outside the bar suddenly speaks to him. “Your drinking is the easy road to evil and damnation. Drink will pollute your body and soul. Give up the foul spirits and live a better life!”.

The drunk looks at her and asks “How do you know that drinking is so bad for you?”.

The nun looks puzzled and shrugs. The drunk says “Have you ever even tried a drink?”. The nun admits she hasn’t, so the drunk tells her “Listen, I’ll go into the bar and order myself a drink and I’ll get one for you too. I’ll bring it out here and you can taste it yourself and see that alcohol is nothing bad.”

The nun reluctantly agrees, but says, “I don’t want anybody out here getting the wrong idea about me, so would you mind bringing me the drink in a paper cup?”. The drunk agrees to this and goes inside. At the bar, he tells the bartender “Give me a double shot of whiskey, and a second half shot in a paper cup.”

The bartender groans and says: “Is that nun out there again?”

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Some random jokes and thoughts around Facebook

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~ A businessman in the first class cabin decided to chat up the drop dead, gorgeous flight attendant: “What is your name?”

Flight Attendant: “Angela Benz, sir”

Businessman: “Lovely name …any relation to Mercedes Benz?”

Flight Attendant: “Yes sir, very close”

Businessman: “How close?”

Flight Attendant: “Same price”.

~ I was singing “Lady Marmalade” to myself at Starbucks and accidentally placed an order

~ Bologna is just Hot Dog Pancake

~ Religions of the world:

Taoism: Shit happens

Hinduism: This Shit happened before

Buddhism: When Shit happens, is it really shit?

Protestantism: Shit won’t happen if I work harder

Catholicism: Shit happens; I deserve it

Jehovah’s Witness: Knock Knock, “Shit Happens”

Judaism: Why does Shit always happen to me?

Atheism: No Shit

TV Evangelist: Send More Shit

Rastafarianism: Let’s smoke this Shit

~ Just because you eat the burger, doesn’t mean you want to meet the cow

~ Macanudo…Jamaican for cigar. Cigar…Jamaican for “another place to put weed.”

~ if you sing James Brown songs, dogs will not attack you

He cannot tell a lie, and he didn’t lie

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A lawyer, who had a wife and 12 children, needed to move because his rental agreement

was terminated by the owner who wanted to reoccupy the home. But he was having a lot of difficulty finding a new house. When he said, he had 12 children, no one would rent a home to him because they felt that the children would destroy the place.

He couldn’t say he had no children because he couldn’t lie. Now we all know lawyers cannot, and do not lie… So, he sent his wife for a walk to the cemetery with 11 of their kids.

He took the remaining one with him to see rental homes with the real estate agent. He loved one of the homes and the price was right — the agent asked: “How many children do you have?

He answered: “Twelve.”

The agent asked, “Where are the others?”

The lawyer, with his best courtroom sad look, answered, “Well, they’re in the cemetery with their mother.”

MORAL: It’s not necessary to lie, one only has to choose the right words… and don’t forget, most politicians are unfortunately lawyers.

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The Butcher and the Dog

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A butcher was shooing a dog from his shop, when he saw a £10, and a note, in the dog’s mouth, reading: Eight lamb chops, please.”

Amazed, he took the money, put a bag of chops into the dog’s mouth, and quickly closed the shop.

He followed the dog and watched him wait for a green light, the dog then looked both ways before trotting across the road to a bus-stop.

The dog then checked the bus timetable whilst sitting on the bench.

When a bus arrived, he walked around to the front and looked up at the number, then boarded the bus.

The butcher followed, totally dumbstruck! As the bus travelled out into the suburbs, the dog looked out of the window to take in the scenery.

After a while he stood on his back paws to push the “stop” bell, and then the butcher followed him off.

The dog went up to a house and dropped his bag on the step barking repeatedly.

No answer.

He went back down the path, took a big run, and threw himself -whap!- against the door.

He did this time and time again.

Still, no answer.

He then jumped on a wall, walked around the garden, barked repeatedly at a window, jumped off, and waited at the front door. Eventually, a very small guy opened it and started cursing and shouting at the dog.

The butcher ran up screaming at the guy: “What the hell are you doing? That dog’s a genius!”

The owner responds, “Genius? Genius my arse. That’s the second time this week he’s forgotten his bloody keys!”

Thanks, Lee!