Thanks, DJ!
Jokes
quite the bargain, however
Artifacts and gifts for tourists are a major portion of an Indian reservation’s economy.
Thousands of visitors tour reservations each year and will not leave without purchasing at least one memento of traditional Indian culture.
One enterprising Native American was able to outsell all of his competitors in the category of wooden dolls by selling them at a fraction of the cost others had to charge for them. Upon examining his dolls closely, they found that where hard wood was traditionally used, this particular Native American would use cheap pine on which he glued thin pieces of fine mahogany, thus being able to produce the dolls at an incredibly reduced price.
While he claimed his dolls were still authentic Indian dolls, his competitors complained that they were only cheap Sioux veneers.
This means there’s at least two of them
Thanks, DJ!
A Symphony of baseball pun
The municipal philharmonic symphony and chorus were rehearsing Symphony No. 9 by Ludwig Von Beethoven.
Since the chorus doesn’t enter until the final movement, the singers were becoming very bored – especially the men in the back row. Then the basses had a clever idea. During the break, they tied a nylon fishline around the conductor’s score, four pages prior to the beginning of the last movement. They ran the line up through a roof vent, across the street and down into Joe’s tavern. This allowed them to relax at the bar chugging brews, and when the line jerked, they could run across the street and take their places in the chorus at the precise time.
Their plan worked flawlessly, especially when the conductor paused before continuing, to have the trombones, who were playing somewhat flat, tune their instruments.
So all singers were in readiness as the conductor raised his baton. Well….. almost all… except for the two men who had passed out at the bar.
And so, therefore, this became the first case in musical history where it was the bottom of the ninth, the basses were loaded, the score was tied, there were two out, the lead-off man was up and the inside pitch was low.
Those pesky nuns and their wanton ways
An old drunk is on his way into a bar when a nun standing outside the bar suddenly speaks to him. “Your drinking is the easy road to evil and damnation. Drink will pollute your body and soul. Give up the foul spirits and live a better life!”.
The drunk looks at her and asks “How do you know that drinking is so bad for you?”.
The nun looks puzzled and shrugs. The drunk says “Have you ever even tried a drink?”. The nun admits she hasn’t, so the drunk tells her “Listen, I’ll go into the bar and order myself a drink and I’ll get one for you too. I’ll bring it out here and you can taste it yourself and see that alcohol is nothing bad.”
The nun reluctantly agrees, but says, “I don’t want anybody out here getting the wrong idea about me, so would you mind bringing me the drink in a paper cup?”. The drunk agrees to this and goes inside. At the bar, he tells the bartender “Give me a double shot of whiskey, and a second half shot in a paper cup.”
The bartender groans and says: “Is that nun out there again?”
Some random jokes and thoughts around Facebook
~ A businessman in the first class cabin decided to chat up the drop dead, gorgeous flight attendant: “What is your name?”
Flight Attendant: “Angela Benz, sir”
Businessman: “Lovely name …any relation to Mercedes Benz?”
Flight Attendant: “Yes sir, very close”
Businessman: “How close?”
Flight Attendant: “Same price”.
~ I was singing “Lady Marmalade” to myself at Starbucks and accidentally placed an order
~ Bologna is just Hot Dog Pancake
~ Religions of the world:
Taoism: Shit happens
Hinduism: This Shit happened before
Buddhism: When Shit happens, is it really shit?
Protestantism: Shit won’t happen if I work harder
Catholicism: Shit happens; I deserve it
Jehovah’s Witness: Knock Knock, “Shit Happens”
Judaism: Why does Shit always happen to me?
Atheism: No Shit
TV Evangelist: Send More Shit
Rastafarianism: Let’s smoke this Shit
~ Just because you eat the burger, doesn’t mean you want to meet the cow
~ Macanudo…Jamaican for cigar. Cigar…Jamaican for “another place to put weed.”
~ if you sing James Brown songs, dogs will not attack you
He cannot tell a lie, and he didn’t lie
A lawyer, who had a wife and 12 children, needed to move because his rental agreement
was terminated by the owner who wanted to reoccupy the home. But he was having a lot of difficulty finding a new house. When he said, he had 12 children, no one would rent a home to him because they felt that the children would destroy the place.
He couldn’t say he had no children because he couldn’t lie. Now we all know lawyers cannot, and do not lie… So, he sent his wife for a walk to the cemetery with 11 of their kids.
He took the remaining one with him to see rental homes with the real estate agent. He loved one of the homes and the price was right — the agent asked: “How many children do you have?
He answered: “Twelve.”
The agent asked, “Where are the others?”
The lawyer, with his best courtroom sad look, answered, “Well, they’re in the cemetery with their mother.”
MORAL: It’s not necessary to lie, one only has to choose the right words… and don’t forget, most politicians are unfortunately lawyers.
and indulge in the mystery within
Thanks, Melissa!
The Butcher and the Dog
A butcher was shooing a dog from his shop, when he saw a £10, and a note, in the dog’s mouth, reading: Eight lamb chops, please.”
Amazed, he took the money, put a bag of chops into the dog’s mouth, and quickly closed the shop.
He followed the dog and watched him wait for a green light, the dog then looked both ways before trotting across the road to a bus-stop.
The dog then checked the bus timetable whilst sitting on the bench.
When a bus arrived, he walked around to the front and looked up at the number, then boarded the bus.
The butcher followed, totally dumbstruck! As the bus travelled out into the suburbs, the dog looked out of the window to take in the scenery.
After a while he stood on his back paws to push the “stop” bell, and then the butcher followed him off.
The dog went up to a house and dropped his bag on the step barking repeatedly.
No answer.
He went back down the path, took a big run, and threw himself -whap!- against the door.
He did this time and time again.
Still, no answer.
He then jumped on a wall, walked around the garden, barked repeatedly at a window, jumped off, and waited at the front door. Eventually, a very small guy opened it and started cursing and shouting at the dog.
The butcher ran up screaming at the guy: “What the hell are you doing? That dog’s a genius!”
The owner responds, “Genius? Genius my arse. That’s the second time this week he’s forgotten his bloody keys!”
Thanks, Lee!
a prayer request and a concerned wife
The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for answered prayers. A lady stood and walked to the podium. She said, “I have a praise.”
“Yes, Mrs. Kisselman?” the pastor prompted.
“Two months ago,” she began in a firm, clear voice as she turned to the packed house, “my husband, Jim, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn’t know if they could help him.”
You could hear an audible gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagined the pain that poor Jim experienced.
She continued, “Jim was unable to hold me or the children and every move caused him terrible pain. We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation. They were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Jim’s scrotum and wrap wire around it to hold it in place.”
Again, the men in the congregation squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Jim.
She went on, “Now, Jim is out of the hospital and, the doctors say, with time, his scrotum should recover completely.”
The lady made a slight bow of thanks and headed back for her pew as all the men sighed with relief. The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had anything to say.
A man rose and walked to the podium. He said, “I’m Jim. I just wanted to tell my wife, once again, that the word is sternum!