Jokes

In a matter of speaking

by

I called an old school friend and

asked what was he doing. He replied

that he is working on “Aqua-thermal

treatment of ceramics, aluminum and

steel under a constrained environment.”

I was impressed.

On further inquiring, I learned that

he was washing dishes with hot

water under his wife’s supervision

Thanks, Steve!

One for my multi-lingual readers

by

A Mexican man who spoke no English went into a department store to buy socks. He found his way to the menswear department where a young lady offered to help him.

“Quiero calcetines,” said the man.

“I don’t speak Spanish, but we have some very nice suits over here,” said the salesgirl.

“No, no quiero trajes. Quiero calcetines,” said the man.

“Well, these shirts are on sale this week,” declared the salesgirl.

“No, no quiero camisas. Quiero calcetines,” repeated the man.

“I still don’t know what you’re trying to say. We have some fine pants on this rack,” offered the salesgirl.

“No, no quiero pantalones. Quiero calcetines,” insisted the man.

“These sweaters are top quality,” the salesgirl probed.

“No, no quiero sueter. Quiero calcetines,” said the man.

“Our undershirts are over here,” fumbled the salesgirl, beginning to lose patience.

“No, no quiero camisetas. Quiero calcetines,” the man repeated.

As they passed the underwear counter, the man spotted a display of socks and happily grabbed a pair. Holding them up he proclaimed, “Eso sí que es!”

“Why didn’t you just spell it in the first place?!” yelled the salesgirl.

via

The Fateful class reunion

by

He was a widower and she a widow. They had known each other for a number of years, having been high school classmates and having attended class reunions in the past without fail.

This 60th anniversary of their class, the widower, and the widow made a foursome with two other singles. They had a wonderful evening, their spirits high, with the widower throwing admiring glances across the table and the widow smiling coyly back at him.

Finally, during one dance, he picked up the courage to ask her, “Will you marry me?”

After about 6 seconds of careful consideration, she answered, “Yes, yes I will!”

Needless to say, the evening ended on a happy note for the widower. However, the next morning he was troubled. Did she say “Yes” or did she say `No`? He couldn’t remember. Try as he would, he just could not recall. He went over-and-over the conversation of the previous evening, but his mind was blank. He remembered asking the question, but for the life of him could not recall her response.

With fear and trepidation, he picked up the phone and called her. First, he explained that he couldn’t remember as well as he used to Then he reviewed the past evening. As he gained a little more courage, he then inquired of her, “When I asked if you would marry me, did you say “Yes” or did you say “No”?

“Why, you silly man,” she replied, I said Yes. Yes, I will! And I meant it with all my heart!”

The widower was delighted. He felt his heart skip a beat.

Then she continued. “And I’m so glad you called. I couldn’t remember who asked me”.

via

quite the bargain, however

by

Artifacts and gifts for tourists are a major portion of an Indian reservation’s economy.

Thousands of visitors tour reservations each year and will not leave without purchasing at least one memento of traditional Indian culture.

One enterprising Native American was able to outsell all of his competitors in the category of wooden dolls by selling them at a fraction of the cost others had to charge for them. Upon examining his dolls closely, they found that where hard wood was traditionally used, this particular Native American would use cheap pine on which he glued thin pieces of fine mahogany, thus being able to produce the dolls at an incredibly reduced price.

While he claimed his dolls were still authentic Indian dolls, his competitors complained that they were only cheap Sioux veneers.

via

A Symphony of baseball pun

by

The municipal philharmonic symphony and chorus were rehearsing Symphony No. 9 by Ludwig Von Beethoven.

Since the chorus doesn’t enter until the final movement, the singers were becoming very bored – especially the men in the back row. Then the basses had a clever idea. During the break, they tied a nylon fishline around the conductor’s score, four pages prior to the beginning of the last movement. They ran the line up through a roof vent, across the street and down into Joe’s tavern. This allowed them to relax at the bar chugging brews, and when the line jerked, they could run across the street and take their places in the chorus at the precise time.

Their plan worked flawlessly, especially when the conductor paused before continuing, to have the trombones, who were playing somewhat flat, tune their instruments.

So all singers were in readiness as the conductor raised his baton. Well….. almost all… except for the two men who had passed out at the bar.

And so, therefore, this became the first case in musical history where it was the bottom of the ninth, the basses were loaded, the score was tied, there were two out, the lead-off man was up and the inside pitch was low.

via