First there was Madonna and Oprah – Now Lindsay?

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According to the New York Post, Lindsay Lohan has filed a ONE-HUNDRED MILLION DOLLAR lawsuit against E-Trade for featuring a toddler named “Lindsay” in one of their eminently adorbz stock-trading baby ads (above), which allegedly “violated Lohan’s rights under New York state civil-rights law.”

How’s that, you ask? Well, according to Lindsay Lohan’s lawyer, Stephanie Ovadia, “the actress has the same single-name recognition as Oprah or Madonna.”

Needless to say, this is the single most frivolous lawsuit ever brought against anyone ever forever. And to all the millions of girls named “Lindsay” currently basking in the reflected sheen of well-deserved celebrity bouncing off The One True Lindsay: Watch your backs. One-hundred-million-dollar drug habits don’t feed themselves, you know.

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2010 Census

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Census2010_RedI got a letter yesterday telling me I’m going to get a census form next week.  It asks me to fill it out and mail it in promptly.

What did that cost the taxpayers?

Couldn’t they have put that on the form itself instead of mailing this letter?

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What do you want your last words to be?

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Reddit asks the question.  Here are some of the answers:

  • Call… the… ambalamps.
  • “Hey ya’ll, watch this!”
  • If Im not back in three days, then I guess I wasn’t Jesus.
  • A+++ EPIC LIFE. WOULD LIVE THIS LIFE AGAIN.
  • So long, and thanks for all the fish.
  • I’ve seen things you people wouldn’t believe. Attack ships on fire off the shoulder of Orion. I’ve watched C-beams glitter in the dark near the Tannhauser Gate. All those moments will be lost in time, like tears in the rain. Time to die.
  • “If I’m wrong, I’ll see you soon. I hope I’m wrong.”  That’s the downside to atheism.
  • “Jesus Christ Mischa Barton, I’m going to have a heart attack if we don’t stop f***ing soon”.
  • Wikipedia said it was edible.
  • I… hid… my… cash… in…. (then drop dead).
  • Tell your wife I love her.
  • Just as I am a moment from death, I want to look into the eyes of the person closest to me. Then I’ll look them up and down, and say “That is a terrible outfit. I’m sorry, but one of us has to go.”
  • Either this wallpaper goes, or I do!
  • Destroy my hard drive.
  • One at a time ladies!
  • Die?! Why that’s the last thing I’d do!
  • Hang on to my stuff from NetFlix…no late fees………ever.
  • I wonder what this button does?
  • “If this potion works I will lose the ability to speak, but my penis will grow to an enormous size.”
  • …AND IF I’M LYING, MAY THE GOOD LORD STRIKE ME DOWN WHERE I STAND
  • Said to each of my three children, out of earshot of the others: “You were always my favorite.”
  • I must tell you where the family treasure is… (meanwhile there is no treasure)
  • This gun is NOT loaded. Look.
  • FUCK YOU CHUCK NORRIS!!!!!

More answers

What do you want your last words to be?

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A young journalist…

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A young journalism student was assigned to write a human interest story. He went into the mountains to do some research. There, he found an old farmer sitting on his porch, introduced himself, and explained his mission.

The young man asked, “Has anything ever happened around here that made you really happy?”

After a moment, the farmer said, “Yeah, one time my neighbor’s daughter, a fine looking gal, got lost. We formed a posse and found her. After we all screwed her, we took her back home.”

“I can’t print that!” the young man exclaimed. “Can’t you think of anything else that happened that made you happy?”

The farmer thought for a minute and smiled, “Yep! One time a neighbor’s sheep got lost. We formed a posse and found it. Then we all screwed it, and then took it back home.”

Again, the young man said, “I can’t print that, either. Let’s try another approach. Has anything ever happened around here that made you really sad?”

The old farmer dropped his head as if he were ashamed, and after a few seconds he looked up timidly at the young man and said,

“This one time, I got lost.”

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