Universal truths

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1) Triangular sandwiches taste better than square ones.

2) At the end of every party there is always a girl crying.

4) Sharpening a pencil with a knife makes you feel really manly.

5) You’re never quite sure whether it’s against the law or not to have a fire in your back garden.

6) Nobody ever dares make cup-a-soup in a bowl.

7) The smaller the monkey the more it looks like it would kill you at the first given opportunity.

8) Every bloke has at some stage while taking a pee, flushed half way through and then raced against the flush.

9) Its impossible to look cool whilst picking up a Frisbee.

10) Old ladies can eat more than you think.

11) You can’t respect a man who carries a dog.

12) Despite constant warning, you have never met anybody who has had their arm broken by a swan.

13) You’ve turned into your dad the day you put aside a thin piece of wood specifically to stir paint with.

14) Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

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A little colonoscopy humor…..

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Colonoscopies are no joke, but these comments during the exam were quite humorous….. A physician claimed that the following are actual comments made by his patients (predominately male) while he was performing their colonoscopies:

1. “Take it easy, Doc. You’re boldly going where no man has gone before!

2. “Find Amelia Earhart yet?”

3. “Can you hear me NOW?”

4. “Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?”

5. “You know, in Arkansas, we’re now legally married.”

6. “Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?”

7. “You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out…”

8. “Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!”

9. “If your hand doesn’t fit, you must quit!

10. “Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity.”

11. “You used to be an executive at Enron, didn’t you?”

12 . “God, now I know why I am not gay.”

And the best one of all..

13. “Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up there?”

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Try this at home….

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Just try this. It is from an orthopedic surgeon………… This will boggle your mind and you will keep trying over and over again to see if you can outsmart your foot, but, you can’t. It’s pre-programmed in your brain!

1. While sitting where you are at your desk in front of your computer, lift your right foot off the floor and make clockwise circles.

2. Now, while doing this, draw the number ‘6′ in the air with your right Hand. Your foot will change direction.

I told you so !!! And there’s nothing you can do about it !!!!

You and I both know how stupid it is, but before the day is done you are going to try it again, if you’ve not already done so.

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Birthday present

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A wife decides to take her husband to a strip club for his birthday. They arrive at the club and the doorman says, “Hey, Dave! How ya doin’?” His wife is puzzled and asks if he’s been to this club before.
“Oh, no,” says Dave. “He’s on my bowling team.”

When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if he’d like his usual and brings over a Budweiser. His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says,”How did she know that you drink Budweiser?” “She’s in the Ladies’ Bowling League, honey. We share lanes with them.”

A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Dave, and says “Hi Davey. Want your usual table dance, big boy?”

Dave’s wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club. Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her. He tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it. She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every name in the book.

The cabby turns his head and says, “Looks like you picked up a real bitch tonight, Dave.”

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