God was not his bitch on this ride

Pastors like to think that God is their co-pilot on their missions to bring His message to the masses.  But God was smart enough not to go along on this ride.

 KOKOMO, Ind. – A pastor brought out a dirt bike during a church service to demonstrate the concept of unity. Now he’s demonstrating the concept of healing.

Jeff Harlow, the senior pastor at Crossroads Community Church, broke his wrist when he lost control of the motorcycle at the start of Sunday’s second service, driving off a 5-foot platform and into the vacant first row of seats. He underwent surgery on the wrist Monday.

From  via

Sound behind the door

 A man  is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, “My car broke down. Do you think I  could stay the night?”

 The  monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, and even fix his car. As the  man  tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound; a sound like no other that  he has ever heard.  The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, “We can’t tell you. You’re not a monk.”

 The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway and goes about his merry way.  Some years later, the same man breaks down in front of the same monastery.

 The monks again accept him, feed him, and even fix his  car.

 That night, he hears the same strange mesmerizing sound that he had heard years  earlier.

 The next morning, he asks what the sound was, but the monks  reply, “We  can’t tell you. You’re not a monk.”

 The  man says, “All right, all right. I’m dying to know. If  the only way I can find out what that sound was, is to become a monk, how do I become a monk?”

 The  monks reply, “You must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of sand pebbles. When you find these numbers, you will become a monk.”

 The  man sets about his task. Some forty-five years later, he returns and knocks on the door of the monastery. He says, “I have travelled the earth and devoted my life to the task demanded and have found what you had asked for. There are 371,145,236,284,232 blades of grass and 231,281,219,999,129,382 sand pebbles on the earth.”

The  monks reply, “Congratulations, you are correct and now you are a  monk. We shall now show you the way to the sound.”

The  monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, “The sound is behind that door.”

The man reaches for the knob, but the door is locked. He asks, “May I have the key?”  

The  monks give him the key, and he opens the door. 

Behind  the wooden door is another door made of stone. The  man  requests the key to the stone door. 

The  monks give him the key, and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby.  He demands another key from the monks, who provide it. Behind that door is another door, this one made of sapphire.  And so it went until the man had gone through doors of emerald, silver, topaz, and amethyst.

 Finally, the monks say, “This is the key to the last door!”

 The  man is relieved to no end. He unlocks the door, turns the knob, and behind that door he is astonished to find the source of that strange sound.  It is  truly an amazing and unbelievable sight!
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. . . But I can’t tell you what it is because you’re not a  monk.

Thanks Joe P.  (I think)

George W. Bush is a saint?

SaintgeorgewbushPresident George W. Bush was scheduled to visit the Episcopal Church outside Washington as part of his campaign to restore his pathetic poll standings. His image handler made a visit to the Bishop and said, ‘We’ve been getting a lot of bad publicity because of the president’s position on stem cell research, the Iraq war, hurricane Katrina, and the Veterans Administration.

We’ll make a $100,000 contribution to your church if during your sermon you will say that the President is a saint.’

The Bishop thought it over for a few moments and finally said, ‘The Church is desperate for funding – I’ll do it.’

Bush showed up for the sermon, and the Bishop began: ‘I’d like to speak to you all this morning about our President who is a liar, a cheat, and a low-intelligence numb-nuts who can’t put a compound sentence together.

He bugged out of combat service during the Vietnam War and went AWOL to avoid a drug test, then had all reports on the sordid event destroyed.

He is the spawn of a Nazi loving great grandfather who smuggled anti-Americans into this country on his shipping line.

He took the tragedy of September 11 and used it to frighten and manipulate the American people.

He lied about weapons of mass destruction and invaded Iraq for oil and money, causing the deaths of tens of thousands and making the United States the most hated country on earth. It is
a three-trillion dollar folly.

He appointed fund-raiser cronies to positions of power and influence, leading to widespread death and destruction due to government paralysis after Hurricane Katrina.

He awarded no-bid cost-plus contracts and tax cuts to his rich friends so that we now have more poverty in this country and a greater gap between rich and poor than we’ve had since the Depression.

He has headed the most corrupt, bribe-inducing political party since Teapot Dome.

The national surplus has turned into a staggering national debt of 7.6 trillion Dollars.

Oil rose from $18 to over a hundred and thirty per barrel, leading to transportation costs which the people of America cannot afford, with low minimum wages, part time jobs, no health insurance, and outsourcing.

Vital research into global warming and stem cells is stifled because he’s afraid to lose votes from religious kooks.

He is the worst example of a true Christian I’ve ever known, but compared to Dick Cheney… George W. Bush is a saint.

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Fish on Fridays

The time is when Fridays were fish days.
A Protestant minister moved into a Roman Catholics community.
Every Friday he could be seen cooking steaks etc
.Finally the people approached him and asked him to change to the Catholic Faith
.He agreed to do this and after a while the Bishop anointed him with Holy water,
sprinkling him three times and saying
” In the name of the Father, the Son and the holy Ghost you are now a Catholic.”
The next Friday the man was outside Barbecuing a roast of beef .
The people protested to him, so he got some water, blessed it,
and sprinkled it on the meat saying
” In the name of the Father, the Son and the Holy Ghost you are now fish”

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