You’re harpooned for your blubber.
Your treadmill has a “snack break” setting.
You lack the strength to develop Type II diabetes.
You have a permanent spider web between your legs.
When the drill instructor yells “Gimme 20,” you vomit for 20-minutes.
Your ankles are twice as big as your neck.
You can’t breathe and chew gum.
You have an ass the size of the Amazon.
Poor stamina limits you to I.V. pole dancing.
You have fat deposits on your shins.
Getting up frequently to go to the bathroom … despite being pinned under a tractor trailer.
Flames shooting from his drive shaft.
Coughing up a sled.
A sucking head wound.
A persistent vegetative state.
Partial zipper castration.
A sore on his frontal lobes that will not heal.
Finding a Lawn Dart in his urine.
The lingering odor of death.
He plays golf on Thursday afternoons.
These are all genuine songs, mainly released in the United States (how surprising).
Probably a repost, but it’s been a long time.
10. Avast, me proud beauty! Wanna know why my Roger is so Jolly?
9. Have ya ever met a man with a real yardarm?
8. Come on up and see me urchins.
7. Yes, that is a hornpipe in my pocket and I am happy to see you.
6. I’d love to drop anchor in your lagoon.
5. Pardon me, but would ya mind if fired me cannon through your porthole?
4. How’d you like to scrape the barnacles off of me rudder?
3. Ya know, darlin’, I’m 97 percent chum free.
2. Well blow me down?
And the number one pirate pickup line is…
1. Avast! Prepare to be boarded!
1. Some like it long, some like it short.
2. You can study the market as much as you like, but it all comes down to luck.
3. Those who talk about it the most, have the least experience.
4. One simple mistake could lead to 18 unprofitable years.
5. Some prefer to sit back and watch it grow.
6. Terms include swing trading, asset turnover, naked call, after hours, insider trading, silent partner, blind entries, 30-day wash rule, straddle, triangles, descending tops, ascending bottoms, pump and dump, partial surrender, stop order, position limit, voluntary liquidation, and explicit interest.
7. Low confidence can keep you out of the market.
8. Everyone tends to focus on performance.
9. Some do it alone, others do it with a group, and some hire professionals, and the best reason …
10. Some positions are better than others and the best position is always up for debate!
And remember, past performance is not necessarily indicative of future results.
If you make fun of a sports team for 10 years and then when they suddenly do well, you jump on the bandwagon and act as if you’ve always been a fan… you are an asshole!
If you take up two parking spaces for one car… you are an asshole! (unless you have to get your wheelchair out of your car)
If you fart while passing in front of people in the movie theater… you are an asshole!
If you complain about the government, yet don’t vote… you are an asshole!
If you drive 50 mph in the far left lane on the highway and don’t notice all the cars backed up behind you… you are an asshole!
If you complain about the price of gas, yet drive a car that gets eight miles per gallon… you are an asshole!
If you commit a crime, get caught and sent to prison, but think it is unfair…you are an asshole!
If you watch 28 hours of television a week and then say that you don’t read because you don’t have time… you are an asshole!
If you commit a crime, get caught and sent to prison, but think it is unfair… you are an asshole!
If you send chain letters of any kind (this includes those stupid e-mails that you are going to make a ton of money or some sick child will benefit because so-and-so company will track your e-mails even though that is impossible)… you are an asshole!
If you are Christian Bale… you are an asshole!
If you put your makeup on while driving… you are an asshole!
If you blast your horn at the driver in front of you a split second after the light turns green… you are an asshole!
If you stay in the movie theater while your baby screeches his head off… you are an asshole!
If you have a lame homepage that takes forever to download because you have cheesy music and way too many graphics… you are an asshole!
If you think welfare is an occupation… you are an asshole!
If you talk shit about people without knowing the whole story… you’re an asshole!
If you complain about your weight problem and still eat at McDonalds… you are an asshole!
If you yell at people on t.v. to do something even though you know they can’t hear you… you are an asshole!
If you ask stupid questions and then get pissed off when returned with stupid answers…you are an asshole!
If you loudly entertain the whole bus/park/lobby/ beach/neighborhood with your boom box, car stereo or iPod blasting so loud in your ears that we can all still hear it… you are an asshole!
If you call for a pizza, tell the guy to hold, then ask what everybody wants…you are an asshole!
If you write “U” instead of “you,” or “sux” instead of “sucks,” or “klik” instead of “click” or “kreative” instead of “creative”…you are an asshole!
If you think welfare is an occupation…you are an asshole!
If you ask every Asian person you meet, “Do you know karate?”… you are an asshole!
If you think only women should cook…you are an asshole!
If you hold people up in line at the store to pay for a one dollar pack of gum with a credit card… you are an asshole!
If you ask someone a question but don’t listen to the answer…you are an asshole!
When you are the boss and send out an email telling everyone in the office to show up on time and then stroll in 30 minutes late everyday and leave at 10 to five…you are an asshole!
If you make a list of what constitutes an asshole… you are an asshole!
If you put a woman on a pedestal and try to protect her from the rat race…you’re a male chauvinist. If you stay home and do the housework …you’re a pansy.
If you work too hard…there’s never any time for her. If you don’t work enough…you’re a good-for-nothing bum.
If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay…this is exploitation. If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay…..you should get off your lazy behind and find something better.
If you get a promotion ahead of her…..that is favoritism. If she gets a job ahead of you……it’s affirmative action.
If you mention how nice she looks……it’s sexual harassment. If you keep quiet……….it’s male indifference.
If you cry…………you’re a wimp. If you don’t……..you’re an insensitive bastard.
If you make a decision without consulting her………you’re a chauvinist. If she makes a decision without consulting you……she’s a liberated woman.
If you ask her to do something she doesn’t enjoy……. that’s domination. If she asks you………it’s a favor.
If you appreciate the female form …..you’re a pervert. If you don’t ….you’re gay.
If you like a woman to shave her legs, wear sexy lingerie and keep in shape ………….you’re sexist. If you don’t……………..you’re unromantic.
If you try to keep yourself in shape……you’re vain. If you don’t ……..you’re a slob.
If you buy her flowers………….you’re after something. If you don’t ……..you’re not thoughtful.
If you’re proud of your achievements……..you’re full of yourself. If you aren’t……. you’re not ambitious.
If she has a headache…………she’s tired. If you have a headache………….you don’t love her anymore.
If you want it too often………you’re over sexed. If you don’t…………….there must be someone else.
So why do men die first?
Thanks Kevin McD
10. Clint has directed more movies than Steven Spielberg and George Lucas
9. Clint played at Carnegie Hall
8. Clint used to dig pools for a living
7. Clint tried his hand at recording pop records
6. Clint was fired by Universal Studios for having an Adam’s apple that was too big
5. Clint received the French Legion d’Honneur award
4. Clint drives a beater (a beat-up late-‘80s Grand Marquis)
3. Clint threatened to kill Michael Moore
2. Clint is allergic to horses
1. Clint is a vegan
Details on these interesting facts
Season 7 starts tonight at 8 ET/7 CT on FOX. And again Monday night at the same time.
From the 24 website:
About season 7:
Set in Washington, DC, “Day 7” opens four years after Season Six with CTU dismantled and JACK BAUER on trial. Bauer’s day takes an unexpected turn when former colleague TONY ALMEIDA returns. Meanwhile, newly elected President ALLISON TAYLOR leads the country alongside White House Chief of Staff ETHAN KANIN and First Gentleman HENRY TAYLOR.
A national security crisis prompts an investigation by a team of FBI agents including JANIS GOLD, RENEE WALKER, LARRY MOSS and SEAN HILLINGER. Although CTU is no longer, CHLOE O’BRIAN and BILL BUCHANAN are back for another momentous day of shocking events.
24 Jack Bauer Facts
Like you need them – HA!
1. If you don’t drink that booze, by God, someone else will.
2. The brewing industry alone employs 1.7 million people and that’s a lot of mouths to feed.
3. Bad ass nicknames like “Chuggybear,” “The Alabama Hamma,” “Pukey McPukerson” are not awarded to people who stay home to do laundry.
4. Your favorite bar stool needs just one more sitting to break it in.
5. This is the one and only night your soul mate will wander into the bar. Seriously.
6. Word on the street is the booze has been trash talking you all day.
7. Without your brilliant wit and charm all those poor bartenders will be so dreadfully bored.
8. Dude, after what you did last time, you gotta go back out there and explain yourself.
9. It’s far better to have a good time you won’t remember than a dull one you will.
10. You can bet something really important and worthy of celebration happened on this day at sometime or another.
11. How the hell can you walk around sober when you’re an insignificant speck in an infinite and uncaring universe?
12. If you don’t you’ll wake up in the morning all bright eyed and bushy tailed, and who the hell wants to go through life acting like a damn squirrel?
13. Your friends can’t have a good time without you.
14. Your friends might have a good time without you.
15. Your lawn is so much more comfortable when you’re loaded.
16. You’re much less likely to remember doing all that embarrassing stuff.
17. That feisty barmaid might finally, you know, pick up on what you’re laying down.
18. Your girlfriend has rented a bunch of chick flicks you can snuggle to.
19. You’re under a lot of stress and if you don’t get crazy drunk you might do something crazy sober.
20. You gotta figure the odds of getting thrown in the drunk tank twice in one month are practically negligible.
21. If you don’t hunt the booze, the booze will surely hunt you.
22. When you write your memoirs you won’t have to go through the hassle of making up a bunch of decadent adventures.
23. Al-Qaeda forbids drinking and since when did you start taking orders from Al-Qaeda?
24. Let’s face it: modern life is a shit storm and booze is the only umbrella without any holes in it.
25. 7-11 nachos with extra cheese substitute and chili only taste good when you can’t remember eating them.
26. Your boss gets all weirded out when you get drunk during the day.
27. Three Stooges episodes you’ve watched a hundred times are suddenly hilarious again.
28. The day will come when you will have to single-handedly face death, and there isn’t a person alive who can tell you what will happen next.
29. Hemingway shot himself after being sober for two months.
30. When your coworkers ask “What did you get up to last night?” you can smile all cool like and say “Maaaaaan, you don’t wanna know,” instead of chirping “I alphabetized my DVD collection and found out I have two copies of The Truth About Cats and Dogs! Two!”
31. Remember your childhood dream of meeting a brewery heiress and jet-setting around the world on her dime? You think that’s going to happen while sitting in your apartment watching Captain Picard surrender the Enterprise for the tenth straight episode?
32. It’s so much easier to ring up those old flames and explain exactly where they went wrong.
