Lists

• At the age of 3 it means not shitting in your pants.
• At the age of 12 it means having friends.
• At the age of 18 it means having a drivers license.
• At the age of 20 it means having sex.
• At the age of 35 it means having money.

and…

• At the age of 50 it means having money.
• At the age of 60 it means having sex.
• At the age of 70 it means having a drivers license.
• At the age of 75 it means having friends.
• At the age of 80 it means not shitting in your pants.

Thanks Joe P

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Socks are only for bowling.

You never use an umbrella because you know the rain will be over in five minutes.
 
A good parking place has nothing to do with distance from the store, but everything to do with shade.
 
Your winter coat is made of denim.
 
You can tell the difference between fire ant bites and mosquito bites.
 
You’re younger than thirty but some of your friends are over 65.
 
Anything under 70 degrees is chilly.

You’ve driven through Yeehaw Junction.
 
You know that no other grocery store can compare to Publix.  

Every other house in your neighborhood had blue roofs in 2004-2005.
 
You know that anything under a Category 3 just isn’t worth waking up for.
 
 You dread love bug season.
 
You are on a first name basis with the Hurricane list. They aren’t Hurricane   Charley or Hurricane Frances. You know them as Andrew, Charley, Frances, Ivan and Jeanne.
 
You know what a snowbird is and when they’ll leave.
 
You think a six-foot alligator is actually pretty average.
 
‘Down South’ means Key West ..
 
Flip-flops are everyday wear. Shoes are for business meetings and church, but you HAVE worn flip flops to church before.
 
You have a drawer full of bathing suits, and one sweatshirt.
 
You get annoyed at the tourists who feed seagulls.
 
A mountain is any hill 100 feet above sea level.
 
You know the four seasons really are: hurricane season, love bug season, tourist season and summer. 
 
You’ve hosted a hurricane party.
 
You can pronounce Okeechobee, Kissimmee , Withlacoochee and Micanopy.
 
You understand why it’s better to have a friend with a boat, than have a boat yourself.
 
You were 25 when you first met someone who couldn’t swim.
 
You’ve worn shorts and used the A/C on Christmas and New Years.
 
You recognize Miami-Dade as ‘Northern Cuba . ‘

Thanks Gene

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• “Man who drop watch in toilet have shitty time.”
• “Man trapped in pantry have ass in jam.”
• “Virgin like balloon…one prick, all gone.”
• “Baseball wrong…man with four balls cannot walk!”
• “Work to become, not to acquire.”
• “Baby conceived in automatic car shiftless bastard.”
• “A bird in hand makes hard to blow nose.”
• “Find old man in dark, not hard!”
• “Man who smoke pot choke on handle.”
• “OK for shit to happen…will decompose.”
• “Man who put head on railroad track to listen for train likely to end up with splitting headache.”
• “Sailor who gets discharged from Navy leave buddies behind.”
• “Secretary becomes permanent fixture when screwed on desk.”
• “Don’t drink and park, accidents cause people.”
• “He who crosses the ocean twice without washing is a dirty double-crosser.”
• “Man who tell one to many light bulb jokes soon burn out!”
• “It takes many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it.”
• “Never raise hands to angry child, it leave groin exposed.”
• “Woman who cooks carrots and peas in same pot is unsanitary.”
• “Man who eat many prunes, sit on toilet many moons.”
• “Confucius say too God damn much!”
• “Those who quote me are fools.”
• “Man who drive like hell bound to get there!”
• “Man who keep feet firmly on ground have trouble putting on pants!”
• “Man who stand on toilet is high on pot!”
• “Man who sit on tack get point!”
• “Man who runs behind car gets exhausted!”
• “Man who jump off cliff jump to conclusion!”
• “War not determine who’s right, war determines who’s left.”
• “Woman who goes to man’s apartment for snack, gets titbit.”
• “Man who lay woman on ground, get piece on earth.”
• “Man who gets kicked in testicles, left holding the bag.”
• “Man who kisses girl’s behind, gets crack in face.”
• “Passionate kiss like spider web…lead to undoing of fly.”
• “Man with holes in pants pockets, feels cocky all day.”
• “Man who fight with wife all day, get no piece at night.”
• “Kotex not best thing on earth, but next to best thing.”
• “Man who walk through airport door sideways is going to Bangkok.”
• “Man who take lady on camping trip, have one intent.”

From  via

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#01 And they stayed together because of the kids.
#02 And she never learned her lesson never to eavesdrop on any of his phone conversations again.
#03 And he realized that money actually could buy happiness.
#04 And with all that alimony, she finally bought the castle she’d always dreamed of.
#05 And he never found out out the child wasn’t his.
#06 And eventually, she came to terms with the fact that she was probably going to have to save herself.
#07 And they lived happily ever… until the following winter.
#08 And she never had any idea that he was actually gay.
#09 And eventually she came to terms that her stepmother wasn’t evil – just demanding.
#10 And sometimes wondered whether a kiss that reanimated her from the dead was really grounds for a lifelong romance.
#11 And the three of them lived happily ever after.

via

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– Rome did not create a great empire by having meetings, they did it by killing all those who opposed them.

– If you can stay calm, while all around you is chaos…then you probably haven’t completely understood the seriousness of the situation.

– Doing a job RIGHT the first time gets the job done. Doing the job WRONG fourteen times gives you job security.

– Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.

– Artificial Intelligence is no match for Natural Stupidity

– A person who smiles in the face of adversity…probably has a scapegoat.

– Plagiarism saves time.

– If at first you don’t succeed, try management.

– Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether.

– TEAMWORK…means never having to take all the blame yourself.

via

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1. “The cucumber has left the salad.”
2. “Someone tore down the wall, and your Pink Floyd is hanging out.”
3. “Your soldier ain’t so unknown now.”
4. “Quasimodo needs to go back in the tower and tend to his bells.”
5. “Elvis Junior has LEFT the building!”
6. “Mini Me is making a break for the escape pod.”
7. “You’ve got your fly set for Monica instead of Hillary.”
8. “You’ve got a security breach at Los Pantaloons.”
9. “I’m talking about Shaft, can you dig it?”
10. “Men are From Mars, women can see Your Penis.”

via

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