Jokes

Giving up wine

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WomanI was walking down the street when I was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless woman who asked me for a couple of dollars for dinner.

I took out my wallet, got out ten dollars and asked, “If I give you this money, will you buy wine with it instead of dinner?”

“No I had to stop drinking years ago,” the homeless woman told me.

“Will you use it to go shopping instead of buying food?” I asked.

“No, I don’t waste time shopping,” the homeless woman said. “I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive.”

“Will you spend this on a beauty salon instead of food?” I asked.

“Are you NUTS !” replied the homeless woman. ” I haven’t had my hair done in 20 years!”

“Well,” I said, “I’m not going to give you the money. Instead , I’m going to take you out for dinner with my husband and me tonight.”

The homeless Woman was shocked. “Won’t your husband be furious with you for doing that? I know I’m dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting.”

I said, “That’s okay. It’s important for him to see what a woman looks like after she has given up shopping, hair appointments, and wine.”

Thanks Gene

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Translations…

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TRANSLATING WOMEN’S PERSONAL ADS:

  • * 40-ish………………………….49.
  • * Adventurous……………………..Slept with everyone.
  • * Athletic………………………..No breasts.
  • * Average looking………………….Moooo.
  • * Beautiful……………………….Pathological liar.
  • * Emotionally Secure……………….On medication.
  • * Feminist………………………..Fat.
  • * Free Spirit……………………..Junkie.
  • * Friendship first…………………Former Slut.
  • * New-Age…………………………Body hair in the wrong places.
  • * Old-fashioned……………………No B.J.’s
  • * Open-minded……………………..Desperate.
  • * Outgoing………………………..Loud and embarrassing.
  • * Professional…………………….Witch.
  • * Voluptuous………………………Very fat.
  • * Large frame……………………..Hugely fat.
  • * Wants soul mate………………….Stalker.

TRANSLATING WOMEN’S ENGLISH:

  • * Yes…………………………….No
  • * No……………………………..Yes
  • * Maybe…………………………..No
  • * We need…………………………I want
  • * I am sorry………………………You’ll be sorry
  • * We need to talk………………….You’re in trouble
  • * Sure, go ahead…………………..You better not
  • * Do what you want…………………You will pay for this later
  • * I am not upset…………………..Of course, I am upset, you moron!
  • * You’re attentive tonight………….Is sex all you ever think about?

TRANSLATING MEN’S ENGLISH:

  • * I am hungry……………………..I am hungry
  • * I am sleepy……………………..I am sleepy
  • * I am tired………………………I am tired
  • * Nice dress………………………Nice cleavage!
  • * I love you………………………Let’s have sex now
  • * I am bored………………………Do you want to have sex?
  • * May I have this dance?……………I’d like to have sex with you.
  • * Can I call you sometime?………….I’d like to have sex with you.
  • * Do you want to go to a movie?……..I’d like to have sex with you.
  • * Can I take you out to dinner?……..I’d like to have sex with you.
  • * I don’t think those shoes go with that outfit…………..I’m gay.

Thanks Joe P

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Heaven or Hell

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I think I’ve posted this one before…. but it’s pretty good:

While walking down the street one day, a US senator is tragically hit by a truck and dies. His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter. “Welcome to heaven,” says St. Peter. “Before you settle in it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts you see, so we’re not sure what to do with you.”

“No problem, just let me in,” says the man.

“Well, I’d like to but I have orders from higher up. What we’ll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity.”

“Really, I’ve made up my mind and I want to be in heaven,” says the senator.

“I’m sorry, but we must abide by our rules.”

And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he descends into hell. When the door finally opens, he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other
politicians who had previously worked with him. Everyone is very happy and dressed in evening attire. They run to greet him, shake his hand and reminisce about the good times they had while becoming wealthy at the expense of the people. They play a friendly game of golf and dine on lobster, caviar and champagne. Also present is the devil who actually is a friendly guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that before the senator realizes it, it’s time to go. Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves as the elevator rises. As the elevator ascends and the door opens, St. Peter is there waiting and says, “Now it’s time to visit heaven.”

So, 24 hours pass while the senator enjoys himself by joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing harps and singing. Again, before he realizes, his time is up and St. Peter returns and asks, “Well, after spending a day in hell and a day in heaven, where do you choose to spend eternity?” The senator reflects for a minute the answers, “Well, I would have never said it before – I mean heaven has been delightful – but I think I would be better off in hell.”

So, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator where he descends into hell. As the elevator door opens, the senator notices that he’s in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage. He sees his friends, dressed in rags, placing trash into black bags as it falls from above. The devil arrives to greet him. “I don’t understand,” stammers the senator. “Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course with a clubhouse. We ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne and danced and had a great time. Now there’s just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable. What happened?”

The devil looks at him and smilingly replies, “Yesterday we were campaigning. Today you voted.”

Thanks Tommy Salami

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How to Tell the Sex of a Fly

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A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter.

“What are you doing?”, she asked.

“Hunting Flies”, he responded.

“Oh. ! Killing any?”, she asked.

“Yep, 3 males, 2 females”, he replied.

Intrigued, she asked, “How can you tell them apart?”

He responded, “3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone.“.
Thanks Gary J

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Touring France…

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A group of Americans, retired teachers, recently went to France on a tour. Robert Whiting, an elderly gentleman of 83, arrived in Paris by plane. At French Customs, he took a few minutes to locate his passport in his carry on.

‘You have been to France before, monsieur?’ the customs officer asked sarcastically.

Mr. Whiting admitted that he had been to France previously.

‘Then you should know enough to have your passport ready.’

The American said, ‘The last time I was here, I didn’t have to show it.’

‘Impossible. Americans always have to show your passports on arrival in France!’

The American senior gave the Frenchman a long hard look. Then he quietly explained. ‘Well, when I came ashore at Omaha Beach on D-Day in ’44 to help liberate this country, I couldn’t find any Frenchmen to show it to.’

Thanks Paul

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The journalist

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At a news conference, a journalist said to the politician running for the presidency, “Your secretary said publicly that you have a small penis. Would you please comment on this.”

“The truth is,” replied the politician, “that she has a big mouth.”

via

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Why it’s important to understand English…

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I had a bunch of Canadian dollars I needed to exchange, so I went to the currency exchange window at the local bank. There was a short line. Just one lady in front of me . . an Asian lady who was trying to exchange yen for dollars and she was a little irritated . . .

She asked the teller, “Why it change?? Yesterday, I get two hunat dolla fo yen. Today I get hunat eighty?? Why it change?”

The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, “Fluctuations” .

The Asian lady says, “Fluc you white people, too”.

Thanks Gene

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A Democrat walks into a bar…

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A man wearing a Democratic pin walks into a bar and sees a picture of President Bush hanging behind the bartender. He calls the bartender over and says, “You should take that picture down. George Bush is a blight upon this nation. He should be impeached.”

The bartender, a life-long Republican, is completely offended. “Why you liberal piece of garbage. How dare you come into my bar and tell me how to run my business!”

“Listen, I’m the customer, so I’m always right.” the man says. “That picture offends me, so I want you to take it down.”

That tears it,” the bartender says, “How would you like it if I came into your bar and told you what to do?”
“Well, you’d be the customer, so you’d be right,” the man says.
“Fine, then let’s switch places,” the bartender says.
So, they do. The man takes the bartender’s place behind the bar, and the bartender walks outside, waits a moment, and then comes back inside. The bartender sits at the bar and says to the bar, “You should take that pin off. The Democrats are destroying our country with their liberal agenda.”
“Sorry,” the man says, “but we don’t serve Republicans here.”
via

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