Jokes

A doctor, a lawyer, a little boy and a priest were out for a Sunday afternoon flight on a small private plane. Suddenly, the plane developed engine trouble.

In spite of the best efforts of the pilot, the plane started to go down. Finally, the pilot grabbed a parachute, yelled to the passengers that they had better jump, and bailed out.

Unfortunately, there were only three parachutes remaining.

The doctor grabbed one and said “I’m a doctor, I save lives, so I must live,” and jumped out.

The lawyer then said, “I’m a lawyer and lawyers are the smartest people in the world. I deserve to live.”

He also grabbed a parachute and jumped.

The priest looked at the little boy and said, “My son, I’ve lived a long and full life. You are young and have your whole life ahead of you. Take the last parachute and live in peace.”

The little boy handed the parachute back to the priest and said, “Not to worry, Father. The ’smartest man in the world’ just took off with my back pack.”

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1.  It’s important to have a woman, who helps at home, who cooks from time to time, cleans up and has a job.
2.  It’s important to have a woman, who can make you laugh.
3.  It’s important to have a woman, whom you can trust and who doesn’t lie to you.
4.  It’s important to have a woman, who is good in bed and who likes to be with you.
5.  It’s very, very important that these four women do not know each other.

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A six year old goes to the hospital with his grandma to visit his grandpa.  When they get to the hospital, he runs ahead of his grandma and bursts into his grandpa’s room.

“Grandpa, Grandpa,” he says excitedly, “as soon as Grandma comes into the room, make a noise like a frog!”

“What?” said his grandpa.

“Make a noise like a frog because grandma said that as soon as you croak, we’re going to Disneyland!!!”

Thanks Gene

 How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened by the time she brings it.

Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can’t even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.

Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It’s one of those “evolutionary things” that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.

How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts her sentence with “A man once told me…”

How do you fix a woman’s watch?
You don’t. There is a clock on the oven.

Why do men break wind more than women?
Because women can’t shut up long enough to build up the required pressure.

If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course. He’ll shut up once you let him in.

What’s worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman who won’t do what she’s told.

I married Miss Right.
I just didn’t know her first name was Always.

Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman’s sex drive by 90%. It’s called a Wedding Cake.

Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.

Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.

In the beginning, God created the earth and rested.
Then God created Man and rested.
Then God created Woman.
Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.

Thanks Dr. John

On their wedding night, the young bride approached her new husband and asked for $20.00 for their first lovemaking encounter. In his highly aroused state, her husband readily agreed.

This scenario was repeated each time they made love for more than 30 years, with him thinking that it was a cute way for her to afford new clothes and other incidentals that she needed.

Arriving home around noon one day, she was surprised to find her husband in a very drunken state. During the next few minutes, he explained that his employer was going through a process of corporate downsizing, and he had been let go. It was unlikely that, at the age of 59, he’d be able to find another position that paid anywhere near what he’d been earning, and therefore, they were financially ruined.

Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which showed more than thirty years of steady deposits and interest totaling nearly $1 million. Then she showed him certificates of deposits issued by the bank which were worth over $2 million, and informed him that they were one of the largest depositors in the bank.

She explained that for the more than three decades she had “charged” him for sex, these holdings had multiplied and these were the results of her savings and investments.

Faced with e vidence of cash and investments worth over $3 million, her husband was so astounded he could barely speak, but finally he found his voice and blurted out, “If I’d had any idea what you were doing, I would have given you all my business!”

That’s when she shot him.

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I was at an ATM and this old lady asked me to help check her balance. So I pushed her over.

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Three blonds are on an island and they find a lamp, rub it, and a genie pops out. He says he’ll give each of them one wish.

The first blond says “I wish I were twice as smart as I am now so I can figure out a way off this island.”

The genie turns her into a redhead, she builds a raft, and floats off the island.

The second blond says “I wish I were ten times as smart as I am now, so I can figure out a way off this island.”

The genie turns her into a brunette, she builds a plane, and flies off the island.

The third blond says “I wish I were a hundred times as smart as I am now, so I can figure a way off this island.”

The genie turns her into a man and he takes the bridge.

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