Jokes

Harley

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I posted this on the old B&P site, but it’s been a while… and I like it… so here it is again.

FLHTC_Electra_Glide_Classic_1The inventor of the motorcycle, Arthur Davidson, died and went to heaven.  At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur, “Since you’ve been such a good man and your motorcycles have changed the world, your reward is that you can hang out with anyone you want to in heaven.”

Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said, “I want to hang out With God.”

St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room, and introduced him to God.

God recognized Arthur and commented, “Okay, so you were the one who invented the Harley-Davidson motorcycle?”

Arthur said, “Yeah, that’s me….”

God commented: “Well, what’s the big deal in inventing something that’s pretty unstable makes noise and pollution and can’t run without a road?”

Arthur was apparently embarrassed, but finally spoke, “Excuse me, but aren’t you the inventor of woman?”

God said, “Ah, yes.”

 “Well,” said Arthur, “professional to professional, you have some major design flaws in your invention:

1.   There’s too much inconsistency in the front-end protrusion

    2.   It chatters constantly at high speeds

    3.   Most rear ends are too soft and wobble too much

    4.   The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust

    5.   The maintenance costs are outrageous!!!!

“Hmmmmm, you may have some good points there,” replied God, “hold on.”

God went to his Celestial supercomputer, typed in a few words and Waited for the results.  The computer printed out a slip of paper and God read it.

 “Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed,” God said to Arthur, “but according to these numbers, more men are riding my invention than yours.”

Thanks Gene

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Cremated husband…

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Martha recently lost her husband. She had him cremated and brought his ashes home.

Picking up the urn that he was in, she poured him out on the Patio table.

Then, while tracing her fingers in the ashes, she started talking to him….

“Herman, you know that dishwasher you promised me? I bought it with the insurance money!”

She paused for a minute tracing her fingers in the ashes then said,

“Herman, remember that car you promised me? Well, I also bought it with the insurance money!”

Again, she paused for a few minutes and while tracing her fingers in the ashes she said,
 
“Herman, that diamond ring you promised me? Bought it too, with the insurance money!”

Finally, still tracing her fingers in the ashes, She said,
 
“Herman, remember that blow job I promised you?   Here it comes……….”

Thanks Gary J

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The old fisherman…

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A guy is 75 years old and loves to fish and play golf.  He was sitting in his boat the other day when he heard a voice say, “Pick me up.”

He looked around and couldn’t see any one. He thought he was dreaming when he heard the voice say again,“Pick me up.” He looked in the water and there, floating on the top, was a frog.

The man said, “Are you talking to me?”

The frog said, “Yes, I’m talking to you. Pick me up.  Then, kiss me and I’ll turn into the most beautiful woman you have ever seen.  I’ll make sure that all your friends are envious and jealous because I will be your bride!”

The man looked at the frog for a short time, reached over, picked it up carefully, and placed it in his front breast pocket.

Then the frog said, “What, are you nuts? Didn’t you hear what I said?  I said kiss me and I will be your beautiful bride.”

He opened his pocket, looked at the frog and said,   “Nah, at my age I’d rather have a talking frog.”

via

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Sleeping pills

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An exhausted looking blonde dragged herself in to the doctor’s office. “Doctor, there are dogs all over my neighborhood. They bark all day and all night, and I can’t get a wink of sleep.”

“I have good news for you,” the doctor answered, rummaging through a drawer full of sample medications. “Here are some new sleeping pills that work like a dream. A few of these and your trouble will be over.”

“Great,” the blonde answered, “I’ll try anything. Let’s give it a shot.”

A few weeks later the blonde returned, looking worse than ever. “Doc, your plan is no good. I’m more tired than before!”

“I don’t understand how that could be”, said the doctor, shaking his head. “Those are the strongest pills on the market!”

“That may be true,” answered the blonde wearily, “but I’m still up all night chasing those dogs and when I finally catch one it’s hard getting him to swallow the pill!”

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Moment of reflection

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President Bush discussed his daily routine as commander-in-chief in a Fox News interview Sunday at the White House. He said every morning the first thing he does is take a look at that day’s threat to America.

Most people simply call it shaving.

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Navy captain

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NavySHipThere was a navy ship out at sea. The captain saw an enemy ship on the horizon and says “Bring me my red shirt.”

His assistant asked “why?”

“So, if I start bleeding the blood will blend in and you will not distracted.”

The next day there were 40 ships on the horizon and then he said “Bring me my brown pants.”

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The birds and the bees

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A father asked his 10-year old son if he knew about the birds and the bees.

“I don’t want to know,” the child said, bursting into tears. “Promise me you won’t tell me.”

Confused, the father asked what was wrong.

The boy sobbed, “When I was six, I got the ‘There’s no Easter Bunny’ speech. At seven, I got the ‘There’s no Tooth Fairy’ speech. When I was eight, you hit me with the ‘There’s no Santa’ speech.

If you’re going to tell me that grown-ups don’t really get laid, I’ll have nothing left to live for.”

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Piety

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A priest and a rabbi had a tremendous rivalry going, each going to extremes of piety to impress the other. It just happened that both of them got new cars at the same time. It also happened that they both drove into a gas station at the same time.

The priest said a blessing over his car — in Latin.

The rabbi said his own blessing over his own car — in Hebrew.

The priest went to put some water in the radiator, making it clear his car would benefit from the “holy” water.

The rabbi said nothing, but quietly reached into the trunk of his car, took out a hacksaw, and cut the end off the exhaust pipe.

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Redneck vacation

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Billy Bob and Luther were talking one afternoon when Billy Bob tells Luther, “Ya know, I reckon I’m ’bout ready for a vacation. Only this year I’m gonna do it a little different. The last few years, I took your advice about where to go.

“Three years ago you said to go to Hawaii. I went to Hawaii and Earlene got pregnant.

“Then two years ago, you told me to go to the Bahamas , and Earlene got pregnant again.

“Last year you suggested Tahiti and darned if Earlene didn’t get pregnant again.”

Luther asks Billy Bob, “So, what you gonna do this year that’s different?”

Billy Bob says, “This year I’m taking Earlene with me.”


Thanks Ronnie

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The box under Bill and Hillary’s bed…

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When Bill and Hillary first got married Bill said, ‘I am putting a box under the bed. You must promise never to look in it’

In all their 30 years of marriage, Hillary never looked. On the afternoon of their 30th anniversary, curiosity got the best of her and she lifted the lid and peeked inside. In the box was 3 empty beer cans and $81,874.25 in cash. She closed the box and put it back under the bed. Now that she knew what was in the box, she was doubly curious as to why there even was such a box with such contents. That evening, they were out for a special Anniversary dinner.

After dinner, Hillary could no longer contain her curiosity and she confessed, saying, ‘I am so sorry, Bill. For all these years, I kept my promise and never looked into the box under our bed. However, today the temptation was too much and I gave in. But now I need to know, why do you keep the 3 beer cans in the box?’

Bill thought for a while and said, ‘I guess after all these years you deserve to know the truth. Whenever I was unfaithful to you, I put an empty beer can in the box under the bed to remind myself not to do it again.’

Hillary was shocked, but said, ‘Hmmm, Jennifer, Paula and Monica. I am very disappointed and saddened by your behavior. However, since you are addicted to sex I guess it does happen and I guess 3 times is not that bad considering your problem.’

Bill thanked her for being so understanding. They hugged and made their peace.

A little while later Hillary asked Bill, ‘So why do you have all that money in the box?’

Bill answered: ‘Well, whenever the box filled up with empty cans, I took them to the recycling center and redeemed them for cash.’

Thanks Joe P

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