Jokes

Two women were playing golf.  One teed off and watched in horror   as her ball headed directly toward a  foursome of men playing the next hole.The ball hit one of the  men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.

The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize.
 
‘Please allow me to help I’m a Physical Therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you’d allow me,’she told him.
  
‘Oh, no, I’ll be all right. I’ll be fine in a few minutes,’ the man replied.  He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands together at his groin. At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help.
 
She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside.  She administered tender and artful massage for several long
moments and asked,’How does that feel’?
 
He replied:  ‘It feels great, but I still think my thumb’s broken.’

Thanks Ronnie

Teacher: If you had one dollar and you asked your father for another, how many dollars would you have?
Vincent: One dollar.
Teacher (sadly): You don’t know your arithmetic.
Vincent (sadly): You don’t know my father.

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A married couple in their early 60s was celebrating their 35th wedding anniversary in a quiet, romantic little restaurant.

Suddenly, a tiny yet beautiful fairy appeared on their table saying,  ‘For being such an exemplary married couple and for being loving to each other for all this time, I will grant you each a wish.’

Oh, I want to travel around the world with my darling husband.   The fairy waved her magic wand and – poof!  Two tickets for the Queen Mary II appeared in her hands.

The husband’ thought for a moment: ‘Well, this is all very romantic, but an opportunity like this will never come again.  I’m sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than me.’

The wife, and the fairy, were deeply disappointed, but a wish is a wish.  So the fairy waved her magic wand and – poof!  The husband became 92 years old.

The moral of this story: Men who are ungrateful bastards should remember fairies are female.

Thanks Joe P

Bob calls his buddy Sam, the horse rancher, and says he’s sending a friend over to look at a horse.

Sam asks “How will I recognize him?”

“That’s easy, he’s a midget with a speech impediment.”

So, the midget shows up, and Sam asks him if he’s looking for a male or female horse.

“A female horth.” So he shows him a prized filly.

“Nith lookin’ horth. Can I thee her eyeth?” Sam picks up the midget and he gives the horse’s eyes the once over.

“Nith eyeth, can I thee her earzth?” So he picks the little fella up again and shows him the horse’s ears.

“Nith earzth, can I see her mouf?” The rancher is gettin’ pretty irritated at this point, but he picks him up again and shows him the horse’s mouth.

“Nice mouf, can I see her twat?” Totally ticked at this point, the rancher grabs the midget under his arms and rams his head as far as he can up the horse’s twat, pulls him out and slams him on the ground.

The midget gets up, sputtering and coughing. “Perhapth I thould rephrase that; Can I thee her wun awound a widdlebit?”

Thanks Gene

An old Italian Mafia ‘Don’ is dying and he calls his grandson to his bed.   “Lissin-a me. I wanna for you to taka my chrome plated 38 revolver so you always remember me.” “But, Grandpa, I really don’t lika guns. Howz about you leava me your Rolex watch instead?”

“Shuddup an’a lissin. Somma day you gonna runna da business. You gonna have a beautifula wife, lotsa money, a bigga home and maybe a couple a bambinos. Somma day you gonna comma home and maybe find your wife inna bed with a nother man. Whadda you gonna do then……, Pointa to you watch and say, ‘Times up’?”

Thanks Joe P

Little Johnnie’s neighbour had a baby.  Unfortunately, the baby was born without ears.  When mother and new baby came home from the hospital, Johnnie’s family was invited over to see the baby.  Before they left their house, Little Johnnie’s dad had a talk with him and explained that the baby had no ears.  His dad also told him that if he so much mentioned anything about the baby’s missing ears or even said the word ears, he would get the smacking of his life when they came back home.  Little Johnnie told his dad he understood completely.  When Johnnie looked in the crib he said, “What a beautiful baby.”

The mother said, “Why, thank you, Little Johnnie.”

Johnnie said, “He has beautiful little feet and beautiful little hands, a cute little nose and really beautiful eyes.  Can he see?”

“Yes”, the mother replied, “we are so thankful; the doctor said he will have 20/20 vision.”

“That’s great”,  said Little Johnnie, “cuz he’d be screwed if he needed glasses”!

Thanks Joe P

The Mafia was looking for a new man to make weekly collections from all the private businesses that they were “protecting.”

Feeling the heat from the police force, they decide to use a deaf person for this job.

If he were to get caught, he wouldn’t be able to communicate to the police what he was doing.

Well, on his first week, the deaf collector picks up over $40,000.

He gets greedy, decides to keep the money and stashes it in a safe place.

The Mafia soon realizes that their collection is late, and sends someo of their hoods after the deaf collector.

The hoods find the deaf collector and ask him where the money is.

The deaf collector can’t communicate with them, so the Mafia drags the guy to an interpreter.

The Mafia hood says to the interpreter, “Ask him where da money is.”

The interpreter signs, “Where’s the money?”

The deaf man replies, “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

The interpreter tells the hood, “He says he doesn’t know what you’re talking about.”

The hood pulls out a .38 and places it in the ear of the deaf collector. “Now ask him where the money is!”

The interpreter signs, “Where is the money?”

The deaf man replies, “The $40,000 is in a tree stump in Central Park.”

The interpreter says to the hood, “He says he still doesn’t know what you’re talking about, and doesn’t think you have the balls to pull the trigger.”

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S & M
Cindy and Sally meet at their 30th class reunion, and they hadn’t seen each other since graduation. They begin to talk and bring each other up to date. The conversation covers their husbands, their children, homes, etc. and finally gets around to their sex lives.

Cindy said, “It’s okay. We get it on every week or so but it’s no big adventure. How’s yours?”

Sally replied, “It’s just great, ever since we got into S & M.”

Cindy is aghast. “Really Sally! I never would have guessed that you would go for that sort of thing.”

“Oh, sure,” says Sally. “He snores while I masturbate.”

Wheelbarrow
After hearing a couple’s complaints that their intimate life wasn’t what it used to be, the sex counselor suggested that they vary their positions.

“For example,” he suggested, “you might try the wheel barrel. Lift her legs from behind and off you go.”

The eager husband was all for trying this new idea as soon as they got home.

“Well, okay,” the hesitant wife agreed, “but on two conditions – First, if it hurts, you will stop right away. And second,” she continued, “you have to promise we won’t go past my mother’s house.”

Rescue Squad
One evening, the rescue squad was called to the home of an elderly couple for an apparent heart attack the gentleman had. When the squad got there is was too late and the man had died.

While consoling the wife one of the rescuers noticed that the bed was a mess. He asked the lady what symptoms the man had suffered and if anything had precipitated the heart attack.

The lady replied, “Well, we were in the bed making love and he started moaning, groaning, thrashing about the bed, panting, and sweating. I thought he was coming, but I guess he was going.”

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