Bar joke

BarsA “C,” an “E-flat,” and a “G” go into a bar. The bartender says: “Sorry, but we don’t serve minors.”

So the E-flat leaves, and the C and the G have an open fifth between them. After a few drinks, the fifth is diminished and the G is out flat. An F comes in and tries to augment the situation, but is not sharp enough.

A D comes into the bar and heads straight for the bathroom saying, “Excuse me. I’ll just be a second.”

Then an A comes into the bar, but the bartender is not convinced that this relative of C is not a minor.

Then the bartender notices a B-flat hiding at the end of the bar and exclaims, “Get out now. You’re the seventh minor I’ve found in this bar tonight.”

The E-flat, not easily deflated, comes back to the bar the next night in a 3-piece suit with nicely shined shoes. The bartender (who used to have a nice corporate job until his company downsized) says, “You’re looking sharp tonight, come on in! This could be a major development.” This proves to be the case, as the E-flat takes off the suit, and everything else, and stands there au natural.

Eventually, the C sobers up, and realizes in horror that he’s under a rest. The C is brought to trial, is found guilty of contributing to the diminution of a minor, and is sentenced to 10 years of DS without Coda at an upscale correctional facility.

On appeal, however, the C is found innocent of any wrongdoing, even accidental, and that all accusations to the contrary are bassless. The bartender decides, however, that since he’s only had tenor so patrons, with the sopranout in the bathroom, and everything has become alto much treble, he needs a rest, and closes the bar.

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At a fancy restaurant…

A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there’s a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He’s been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her.

Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket toward the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it  back. “Oh my, I am so sorry,” the woman says as she pops her eye back in place.

“Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you,” she says.

They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they go to the theater followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his. She listens.  After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast.

They had a wonderful time.

The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed. Everything had been SO incredible!

“You know,” he said, “you re the perfect woman, are you this nice to every guy you meet?”

“No,” she replies….  “You just happened to catch my eye.”

Thanks Gene

Circle flies

A cowboy from Texas attends a social function where Barack Obama is trying to gather more support for his Health Plan. Once he discovers the cowboy is from President Bush’s home area, he starts to belittle him by talking in a southern drawl and single syllable words.

As he was doing that, he kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing around his head. The cowboy says, “Y’all havin’ some problem with them circle flies?”

Obama stopped talking and said, “Well, yes, if that’s what they’re called, but I’ve never heard of circle flies.”

“Well Sir,” the cowboy replies, “circle flies hang around ranches. They’re called circle flies because they’re almost always found circling around the back end of a horse.”

“Oh,” Obama replies as he goes back to rambling. But, a moment later he stops and bluntly asks, “Are you calling me a horse’s ass?”
“No, Sir,” the cowboy replies, “I have too much respect for the citizens of this country to call their President a horse’s ass.”

“That’s a good thing,” Obama responds and begins rambling on once more.

After a long pause, the cowboy, in his best Texas drawl says, “Hard to fool them flies, though.”

Thanks Gene

Presidential kittens

KittrensA pretty little girl named Suzy was standing on the sidewalk in front of her home.
Next to her was a basket containing a number tiny creatures; in her hand was a sign announcing FREE KITTENS.
Suddenly a line of big black cars pulled up beside her.  Out of the lead car stepped a tall, grinning man.
“Hi there, little girl, I’m President Obama. What do you have in the basket?” he asked.
“Kittens.” little Suzy said.
How old are they? asked Obama.
Suzy replied, “They’re so young, their eyes aren’t even open yet.”
“And what kind of kittens are they?”
“Democrats,” answered Suzy with a smile.
Obama was delighted. As soon as he returned to his car, he called his PR chief and told him about the little girl and the kittens.
Recognizing the perfect photo op, the two men agreed that the president should return the next day, and,
in front of the assembled media, have the girl talk about her discerning kittens.
So the next day, Suzy was again standing on the sidewalk with her basket of “FREE KITTENS”
when another motorcade pulled up, this time followed by vans from ABC, NBC, CBS and CNN.
Cameras and audio equipment were quickly set up, then Obama got out of his limo and walked over to little Suzy.
“Hello, again,” he said, “Id love it if you would tell all my friends out there what kind of kittens you’re giving away.”
“Yes sir,” Suzy said. “They’re Republicans and Independents.”
Taken by surprise, the president stammered, “But… but… yesterday, you told me they were DEMOCRATS.”
Little Suzy smiled and said, “I know. But today, they have their eyes open.”

This same joke was going around when Bush was president.

Thanks Denny

A man and his ostrich

OstrichA man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him. The waitress asks them for their orders.

The man says, ‘A hamburger, fries and a coke,’ and turns to the ostrich, ‘What’s yours?’

‘I’ll have the same,’ says the ostrich.

A short time  later the waitress returns with the order ‘That will be $9.40 please,’ and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.

The next  day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, ‘A hamburger, fries and a coke.’

The ostrich says, ‘I’ll have the same.’

Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.

This becomes routine until the two enter again. ‘The usual?’ asks the waitress.

‘No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and a salad,’ says the man.

‘Same,’ says the ostrich.

Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, ‘That will be $32.62.  Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.

The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. ‘Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change in your pocket every time?’

‘Well,’ says the man, ‘several years ago I was cleaning the attic and found an old lamp.  When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there.’

‘That’s brilliant!’ says the waitress. ‘Most people would ask for a million dollars or something, but you’ll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!’

‘That’s right. Whether it’s a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there,’ says the man.

The waitress asks, ‘What’s with the ostrich?’

The man sighs, pauses and answers, ‘My second wish was for a tall chick with a big butt and long legs who agrees with everything I say.’ 

Thanks Denny

Ralph, the chicken

ChickenRalph came home drunk one night, slid into bed beside his sleeping wife, and fell  into a deep slumber.

He awoke before the Pearly Gates, where St. Peter said,  ‘You died in  your sleep, Ralph..’

Ralph was stunned. ‘I’m dead? No, I can’t be! I’ve got too much to live for. Send me back!’

St. Peter said, ‘I’m sorry, but there’s only one way you can go back, and that’s as a chicken.’

Ralph was devastated, but begged St. Peter to send him to a farm near his home.. The next thing he knew, he was covered with feathers, clucking, and pecking the ground.  A rooster strolled past. ‘So, you’re the new hen, huh? How’s your first day here?’

Not bad,’ replied Ralph the hen, ‘but I have this strange feeling inside Like I’m gonna explode!’

 ‘You’re ovulating,’ explained the rooster. ‘Don ‘t tell me you’ve never laid an egg before? ‘

 ‘Never,’ said Ralph.

‘Well, just relax and let it happen,’ says the  rooster .  ‘It’s no big deal.’ 

 Ralph did, and a few uncomfortable seconds later, out popped an egg!  Ralph was overcome with emotion as he experienced motherhood. He soon laid another egg — his joy was overwhelming.

As he was about to lay his third egg, he felt a smack on the back of his head, and heard his wife yell………………. 
 
“Ralph! Wake up. You crapped the bed!”

Thanks Davey

Cajun jokes

Okay, everyone is always telling Boudreaux and Thibodeaux jokes implying that Cajuns aren’t smart.
      .
But anybody who would build a city 10 feet below sea level in a hurricane zone and fill it with Democrats is a damn genius!

Thanks Gene

A duck walks into a bar…

Duck barA duck walks into a bar and says to the barman, “Here mate, you got any salmon?” to which the barman replies, “No, sorry – we don’t serve food in here”. The duck promptly walks out.

The next day he returns, and asks the barman the same question. “Here mate, you got any salmon”. The barman, slightly bemused, replies “No, as I said yesterday already, we don’t serve any food in here. We don’t have any salmon”.

The duck leaves but nevertheless returns the next day and asks the same question AGAIN. The barman loses his patience and yells at the duck, “For the last time! We don’t have any friggin’ salmon here! If you come in here and ask that question one more time, I’m gonna nail your flippers to the floor”.

So the duck leaves….only to return the next day. He asks the barman “You got any nails?”, and the barman replies, “No”…..so the duck asks him “You got any salmon?”

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