Aging

Julie Andrews Turns 69

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JulieandrewsTo commemorate her birthday, actress/vocalist, Julie Andrews made a special appearance at Manhattan’s Radio City Music Hall for the benefit of the AARP.

One of the musical numbers she performed was ‘My Favorite Things’ from the legendary movie ‘Sound Of Music’. Here are the lyrics she used:

Maalox and nose drops and needles for knitting,
Walkers and handrails and new dental fittings,
Bundles of magazines tied up in string,
These are a few of my favorite things.

Cadillacs and cataracts, and hearing aids and glasses,
Polident and Fixodent and false teeth in glasses,
Pacemakers, golf carts and porches with swings,
These are a few of my favorite things.

When the pipes leak,
When the bones creak,
When the knees go bad,
I simply remember my favorite things,
And then I don’t feel so bad.

Hot tea and crumpets and corn pads for bunions,
No spicy hot food or food cooked with onions,
Bathrobes and heating pads and hot meals they bring,
These are a few of my favorite things.

Back pain, confused brains and no need for sinnin’,
Thin bones and fractures and hair that is thinnin’,
And we won’t mention our short shrunken frames,
When we remember our favorite things.

When the joints ache,
When the hips break,
When the eyes grow dim,
Then I remember the great life I’ve had,
And then I don’t feel so bad.

 (Ms. Andrews received a standing ovation from the crowd that lasted over four minutes and repeated encores.

Thanks Dr. Vicki

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Thoughts on life and aging

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A penny saved is a government oversight.

The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right time, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.

The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat have gotten to be really good friends.

The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.

He who hesitates is probably right.

Did you ever notice: The Roman Numerals for forty (40) are ‘ XL.’

If you think there is good in everybody, you haven’t met everybody.

If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.

The sole purpose of a child’s middle name is so he can tell when he’s really in trouble.

There’s always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to look for it. For example I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don’t hurt.

Did you ever notice: When you put the 2 words ‘The’ and ‘IRS’ together it spells ‘Theirs.’

Aging: Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.

The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.

Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me, I want people to know ‘why’ I look this way. I’ve traveled a long way and some of the roads weren’t paved.

When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth, think of Algebra.

You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.

One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it is such a nice change from being young.

Ah, being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable.

First you forget names, then you forget faces. Then you forget to pull up your zipper. It’s worse when you forget to pull it down.

Long ago when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was called witchcraft. Today, it’s called golf…

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16 things it took me over 50 years to learn

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 by Dave Barry, Nationally Syndicated Columnist

1. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.  

2. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be “meetings.”  

3. There is a very fine line between “hobby” and “mental illness.”  

4. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.

5. You should not confuse your career with your life. 

6. Nobody cares if you can’t dance well. Just get up and dance. (This one is very important)  

7. Never lick a steak knife.
  
8. The most destructive force in the universe is gossip.  

9. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time.  

10. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she’s pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.

11. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age 11.

12. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above average drivers.

13. A person, who is nice to you, but rude to a waiter, is not a nice person. (This is very important. Pay attention. It NEVER fails.)

14. Your friends love you anyway.  

15. Never be afraid to try something new. Remember that a lone amateur built the Ark. A large group of professionals built the Titanic.  

16. Thought for the day: Men are like fine wine. They start out as grapes; and it’s up to the women to stomp the crap out of them until they turn into something acceptable to have dinner with.

Thanks Kev & Sue

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Trophy wife

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Bob, a 70-year-old, extremely wealthy  widower, shows up at the Country Club with a breathtakingly beautiful 25  year- old who knocks everyone’s socks off with her youthful appeal and charm. She hangs onto Bob’s arm and listens intently to his every word.

His  buddies at the club are all aghast. At the very first chance, they corner him and ask, “Bob, how did you get the trophy girlfriend?”

Bob replies, “Girlfriend? She’s my wife!”

They’re amazed, but continue to ask. “So, how did you persuade her to marry you?”

“I lied about my age”, Bob replies.

“What, did you tell her you were only 50?”

Bob smiles and says, “No, I told her I was 90.”

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AAADD – Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder

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KNOW THE SYMPTOMS…..PLEASE READ!

Thank goodness there’s a name for this disorder.  Somehow I feel better, even though I have it!!

Recently, I was diagnosed with A.A.A.D.D. – Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder.

This is how it manifests:

I decide to water my garden.  As I turn on the hose in the driveway, I look over at my car and decide it needs washing.

As I start toward the garage, I notice mail on the porch table that I brought up from the mail box earlier.

I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car.

I lay my car keys on the table, put the junk mail in the garbage can under the table, and notice that the can is full.

So, I decide to put the bills back on the table and take out the garbage first.

But then I think, since I’m going to be near the mailbox when I take out the garbage anyway, I may as well pay the bills first.

I take my check book off the table, and see that there is only one check left.

My extra checks are in my desk in the study, so I go inside the house to my desk where I find the can of Pepsi I’d been drinking.

I’m going to look for my checks, but first I need to push the Pepsi aside so that I don’t accidentally knock it over.

The Pepsi is getting warm, and I decide to put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold.

As I head toward the kitchen with the Pepsi, a vase of flowers on the counter catches my eye– they need water.

I put the Pepsi on the counter and discover my reading glasses that I’ve been searching for all morning.

I decide I better put them back on my desk, but first I’m going to water the flowers.

I set the glasses back down on the counter, fill a container with water and suddenly spot the TV remote. Someone left it on the kitchen table.

I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV, I’ll be looking for the remote, but I won’t remember that it’s on the kitchen table, so I decide to put it back in the den where it belongs, but first I’ll water the flowers.

I pour some water in the flowers, but quite a bit of it spills on the floor.

So, I set the remote back on the table, get some towels and wipe up the spill.

Then, I head down the hall trying to remember what I was planning to do.

At the end of the day:
the car isn’t washed
the bills aren’t paid
there is a warm can of Pepsi sitting on the counter
the flowers don’t have enough water,
there is still only 1 check in my check book,
I can’t find the remote,
I can’t find my glasses,
and I don’t remember what I did with the car keys.

Then, when I try to figure out why nothing got done today, I’m really baffled because I know I was busy all damn day, and I’m really tired.

I realize this is a serious problem, and I’ll try to get some help for it, but first I’ll check my e-mail….

Don’t laugh — if this isn’t you yet, your day is coming!!

Thanks Gene

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Thoughts on retirement…

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When asked about his activities now that he’s retired, a clever old guy said: 

‘Well, I don’t have much of a chemical background but one of the things I enjoy the most is turning beer into urine!’

Thanks Gene

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Advice from old people….

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From a collection of advice from old people….

  • “Forget looks an’ tits an’ shit. All ya needs from life is a woman with a heart of gold and a fanny like a jar of worms.”
  • People in power only hold that power because you allow them to. If they abuse that power, you can take it away from them. This applies to relationships, employers, landlords, councils and the Government.
  • When you think “I’ll just have one more drink” – don’t have it.
  • If there is somthing in your life you love doing – try to find a job where they will pay you to do it.
  • “It’s easier to get a girlfriend when you already have a girlfriend”
  • “Don’t be surprised when people are not pleased for your success and are happy when you fail”
  • “Remember to fuck around a lot, when I was growing up we weren’t allowed to” (Granny – aged 89).  She’s also advised me never to do cocaine, and also that marijuana brownies are great.
  • My great uncle also once told me to never try shitting in a wicker waste paper bin.
  • “Never look at your mom when she’s eating a banana.”
  • “Son, now you are married, you must learn this important lesson on dealing with a Wife.. if you are going out for a night on the ale, tell her you are coming home an hour or two later than you actually intend to.. that way, when you arrive home ‘early’ she’ll be delighted that you’ve cut short your night out to be with her”
  • “Never chase after a bus or a girl – another one’ll come along soon enough!”
  • No one wins in a fight. If you hit him 20 times and he hits you once it still fucking hurts.
  • Always kick a man when he is down because you probably won’t have the balls to hit him if he gets back up.
  • Genuine good advice from my Grandad – ‘Don’t listen to your mother, she never has known what she’s talking about’
  • Never trust a man whose tie is lighter than his shirt.
  • My nan tells me spoonful of sugar helps the medicine go down… I’m a fucking diabetic.
  • My Gran told me that if my poo floated, in the toilet obviously, then I wasn’t eating properly. Once my jobbies went under, I could consider myself pretty healthy.
  • “Life is like riding a bike. If you look down or look back, you’ll fall off. The only way to get where you want to go is to look forward.”
  • The best advice I ever received was written on the side of a box of matches, it said “Keep dry and away from children”
  • Ugly women… …have vaginas too, son.
  • Never trust a man with a beard, he’s hiding something.
  • “If you take longer strides when you’re walking, your shoes will last longer”.
  • Never sleep with a woman who’s problems are worse than your own.
  • “Never skimp on spending money on a good pair of shoes and a decent bed. If you’re not in one, you’re in the other”.
  • “Never get separated from your lunch”
  • “life is like a shit sandwich, the more bread you got the better it tastes”
  • “always leave a party while you’re still having fun, you’re a young lad now but later you’ll understand, never forget”
  • Women are like cowpats, the older they are, the easier they are to pick up…
  • “He who is scared and runs away, lives to run another day!”
  • “Never trust a dog with a curly tail”
  • Always take a dump when you’re at work, you’re getting paid for it
  • Don’t eat gravy and icecream at the same time.

From  via

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Dress code for 50 +

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Many of us over 50, WAY over 50, or on the way to 50 are quite confused about how we should present ourselves. We’re unsure about the kind of image we are projecting and whether or not we are correct as we try to conform to current fashions.

Despite what you may have seen on the streets, the following combinations DO NOT go together and should be avoided:

1. A nose ring and bifocals

2. Spiked hair and bald spots

3. A pierced tongue and dentures

4. Miniskirts and support hose

5. Ankle bracelets and corn pads

6. Speedo’s and cellulite

7. A belly button ring and a gall bladder surgery scar

8. Unbuttoned disco shirts and a heart monitor

9. Midriff shirts and a midriff bulge

10. Pierced nipples that hang below the waist

11. Bikinis and liver spots

12. Short shorts and varicose veins

13. Inline skates and a walker

And the ultimate ‘Bad Taste’ in fashion ! for the ‘Older folks’…………………

14. Thongs and Depends

Please keep these basic guidelines foremost in your mind when you shop. Life may not be the party we hoped for, but while we are here we might as well dance.

Thanks Ronnie

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One night at the old folks home….

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It was Entertainment Night at the Senior Center and the Amazing Claude was to appear.

A large crowd had gathered to see the famed hypnotist do his stuff.

Claude stood in front of his audience and announced,

“Unlike most hypnotists who invite two or three people up here to be put into a trance, I intend to hypnotize each and every member of this audience.”

The excitement was electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat.

“I want you each to completely concentrate on this watch.
It’s a very special watch. It’s been in my family for six generations and has special powers.”

He began to swing the watch gently, back and forth, back and forth, while quietly chanting:

“Watch the watch, Watch the watch, Watch the watch .”
 
Slowly the crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed, the light gleaming off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch.
Suddenly, it slipped from the hypnotist’s fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces.

“CRAP !”, said the Hypnotist.

….it took three days to clean up the Senior Center.

Thanks Nick

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