Aging

Out with the old – In with the new

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OLD ALPHABET

A
is for apple, and B is for boat,
That used to be right, but now it won’t float!
Age before beauty is what we once said,
But let’s be a bit more realistic instead.

NEW ALPHABET

A
is for arthritis
B is for the bad back
C is for chest pains, perhaps cardiac?

D
is for dental decay and decline
E is for eyesight, can’t read that top line!
F is for fissures and fluid retention
G is for gas which I’d rather not mention.

H
is high blood pressure–I’ d rather it be low,
I is for incisions with scars you can show.
J is for joints, out of socket,won’t mend,
K is for knees that crack when they bend.

L is for libido, what happened to sex?
M is for memory, I forget what comes next.
N is neuralgia,in nerves way down low,
O is for osteo,the bones that don’t grow!

P
is for prescriptions, I have quite a few,
just give me a pill and I’ll be good as new!
Q is for queasy, is it fatal or flu?
R is for reflux, one meal turns to two.

 

S
is for sleepless nights, counting my fears,
T is for Tinnitus; there’s bells in my ears!
U is for urinary; big troubles with flow,
V is for vertigo, that’s ‘dizzy,’ you know.

 

W
is for worry, NOW what’s going’round?
X is for X- ray, and what might be found.
Y is another year I’m left here behind,
Z is for zest that I still have — in my mind.

Thanks Max

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Old is when…

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“OLD” IS WHEN…..
Your sweetie says, “Let’s go upstairs and make love,” and you answer, “Honey, I can’t do both!”

“OLD” IS WHEN…..
Your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you’re barefoot.

“OLD” IS WHEN…..
A sexy babe catches your fancy and your pacemaker opens the garage door.

“OLD” IS WHEN…..
Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.

“OLD” IS WHEN…..
You don’t care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don’t have to go along.

“OLD” IS WHEN…..
When you are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police.

“OLD” IS WHEN…..
“Getting a little action” means I don’t need to take any fiber today.

“OLD” IS WHEN…..
“Getting lucky” means you find your car in the parking lot.

“OLD” IS WHEN…..
An “all-nighter” means not getting up to pee.

Thanks Max

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Stool, urine and sperm samples

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An old man goes to the doctor for his yearly physical, his wife tagging along. When the doctor enters the examination room, he tells the old man, “I need a urine sample, a stool sample and a sperm sample.”

 The old man, being hard of hearing, looks at his wife and yells: “WHAT?”

 “What did he say? What’s he want?”

 His wife yells back, “He needs your underwear.”

Thanks Kris C

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The way the cookie crumbles…

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CookiesAn elderly man lay dying in his bed. While suffering the agonies of impending death, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite cookies wafting up the stairs.
He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself  from the bed. Leaning on the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort, gripping the railing with both hands, he crawled downstairs.
With labored breath, he leaned against the door-frame, gazing into the kitchen. Were it not for death’s agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven, for there, spread out upon the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favorite cookies.
Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of love from his devoted wife of sixty years, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?

Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself towards the table, landing on his knees in rumpled posture. His aged and withered hand trembled towards a cookie at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked by his wife with a wooden spoon …… 

“Hands off’ she said,”’they’re for the funeral.”

Thanks Kevin

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Getting serious…

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An elderly couple, who were both widowed, had been going out with each other for a long time. Urged on by their friends, they decided it was finally time to get married.  Before the wedding they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work. They discussed finances, living arrangements, and so on.  Finally, the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship.  ‘How do you feel about sex?’ he asked, rather tentatively-

‘I would like it infrequently’ she replied.

The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment, adjusted his glasses and leaned over towards her and whispered
‘Is that one word or two?’

Thanks Gene

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Banana split

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A little old man shuffled slowly into the little ice cream parlor just outside of Sun City, and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool.   After catching his breath he ordered a banana split.

The waitress asked kindly, ‘Crushed nuts?’  

‘No,’ he replied, ‘hemorrhoids’.

Thanks Gene

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Gentle Thoughts for Today…

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Birds of a feather flock together and crap on your car. 

When I’m feeling down, I like to whistle. It makes the neighbor’s dog run to the end of his chain and gag himself. 

A penny saved is a government oversight.

The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right time, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.

The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat have gotten to be really good friends. 
  
The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.

He who hesitates is probably right.

Did you ever notice: The Roman Numerals for forty (40) are ‘XL.’

If you think there is good in everybody, you haven’t met everybody. 

If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame. 

The sole purpose of a child’s middle name is so he can tell when he’s really in trouble.

There’s always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to look for it. For example I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don’t hurt.

Did you ever notice: When you put the 2 words ‘The’ and ‘IRS’ together it spells ‘Theirs.’ 

Aging: Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.

The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.

Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me, I want people to know ‘why’ I look this way.  I’ve traveled a long way and some of the roads weren’t paved.

When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth, think of Algebra.

You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.

One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it is such a nice change from being young.

Ah, being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable.

First you forget names, then you forget faces. Then you forget to pull up your zipper. It’s worse when you forget to pull it down.

Long ago when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was called witchcraft.  Today, it’s called golf.

Lord, Keep your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth…AMEN..!

Thanks Joe P

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