Jonco
Giving up wine
I was walking down the street when I was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless woman who asked me for a couple of dollars for dinner.
I took out my wallet, got out ten dollars and asked, “If I give you this money, will you buy wine with it instead of dinner?”
“No I had to stop drinking years ago,” the homeless woman told me.
“Will you use it to go shopping instead of buying food?” I asked.
“No, I don’t waste time shopping,” the homeless woman said. “I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive.”
“Will you spend this on a beauty salon instead of food?” I asked.
“Are you NUTS !” replied the homeless woman. ” I haven’t had my hair done in 20 years!”
“Well,” I said, “I’m not going to give you the money. Instead , I’m going to take you out for dinner with my husband and me tonight.”
The homeless Woman was shocked. “Won’t your husband be furious with you for doing that? I know I’m dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting.”
I said, “That’s okay. It’s important for him to see what a woman looks like after she has given up shopping, hair appointments, and wine.”
Thanks Gene
Last night’s what?
From Stewart P:
As you probably know, Australian Rules (Aussie Rules) is very big in Australia – rivalries are pretty tense, especially towards finals time.
This is a scan from the local newspaper in Hobart, Tasmania in 2005 after a significant upset in the semi finals.
Someone’s last day at work I suspect 🙂
Thanks Stewart
Translations…
TRANSLATING WOMEN’S PERSONAL ADS:
- * 40-ish………………………….49.
- * Adventurous……………………..Slept with everyone.
- * Athletic………………………..No breasts.
- * Average looking………………….Moooo.
- * Beautiful……………………….Pathological liar.
- * Emotionally Secure……………….On medication.
- * Feminist………………………..Fat.
- * Free Spirit……………………..Junkie.
- * Friendship first…………………Former Slut.
- * New-Age…………………………Body hair in the wrong places.
- * Old-fashioned……………………No B.J.’s
- * Open-minded……………………..Desperate.
- * Outgoing………………………..Loud and embarrassing.
- * Professional…………………….Witch.
- * Voluptuous………………………Very fat.
- * Large frame……………………..Hugely fat.
- * Wants soul mate………………….Stalker.
TRANSLATING WOMEN’S ENGLISH:
- * Yes…………………………….No
- * No……………………………..Yes
- * Maybe…………………………..No
- * We need…………………………I want
- * I am sorry………………………You’ll be sorry
- * We need to talk………………….You’re in trouble
- * Sure, go ahead…………………..You better not
- * Do what you want…………………You will pay for this later
- * I am not upset…………………..Of course, I am upset, you moron!
- * You’re attentive tonight………….Is sex all you ever think about?
TRANSLATING MEN’S ENGLISH:
- * I am hungry……………………..I am hungry
- * I am sleepy……………………..I am sleepy
- * I am tired………………………I am tired
- * Nice dress………………………Nice cleavage!
- * I love you………………………Let’s have sex now
- * I am bored………………………Do you want to have sex?
- * May I have this dance?……………I’d like to have sex with you.
- * Can I call you sometime?………….I’d like to have sex with you.
- * Do you want to go to a movie?……..I’d like to have sex with you.
- * Can I take you out to dinner?……..I’d like to have sex with you.
- * I don’t think those shoes go with that outfit…………..I’m gay.
Thanks Joe P
Heaven or Hell
I think I’ve posted this one before…. but it’s pretty good:
While walking down the street one day, a US senator is tragically hit by a truck and dies. His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter. “Welcome to heaven,” says St. Peter. “Before you settle in it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts you see, so we’re not sure what to do with you.”
“No problem, just let me in,” says the man.
“Well, I’d like to but I have orders from higher up. What we’ll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity.”
“Really, I’ve made up my mind and I want to be in heaven,” says the senator.
“I’m sorry, but we must abide by our rules.”
And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he descends into hell. When the door finally opens, he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other
politicians who had previously worked with him. Everyone is very happy and dressed in evening attire. They run to greet him, shake his hand and reminisce about the good times they had while becoming wealthy at the expense of the people. They play a friendly game of golf and dine on lobster, caviar and champagne. Also present is the devil who actually is a friendly guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that before the senator realizes it, it’s time to go. Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves as the elevator rises. As the elevator ascends and the door opens, St. Peter is there waiting and says, “Now it’s time to visit heaven.”
So, 24 hours pass while the senator enjoys himself by joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing harps and singing. Again, before he realizes, his time is up and St. Peter returns and asks, “Well, after spending a day in hell and a day in heaven, where do you choose to spend eternity?” The senator reflects for a minute the answers, “Well, I would have never said it before – I mean heaven has been delightful – but I think I would be better off in hell.”
So, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator where he descends into hell. As the elevator door opens, the senator notices that he’s in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage. He sees his friends, dressed in rags, placing trash into black bags as it falls from above. The devil arrives to greet him. “I don’t understand,” stammers the senator. “Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course with a clubhouse. We ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne and danced and had a great time. Now there’s just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable. What happened?”
The devil looks at him and smilingly replies, “Yesterday we were campaigning. Today you voted.”
Thanks Tommy Salami