Month: March 2008

Mom will be Mom

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A young man excitedly tells his mother he’s fallen in love and is going to get married.

He says, “Just for fun, Ma, I’m going to bring over 2 other female friends in addition to my fiancee, and you have to try and guess which one I’m going to marry.”

The next day, he brings 3 beautiful women into the house and sits them down on the couch and they chat for a while.

He then says, “Okay, Ma. Guess which one I’m going to marry.”

She immediately replies, “The red-head in the middle.”

“That’s amazing! You’re right, how did you know it was Amy the redhead?”

The mother folds her arms across her chest and says, “I don’t like her.”

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Mark your calendars….

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PoopforpeaceApril 18 is Poop For Peace Day

Poop is the one experience all human beings have in common. We may have varying ideas of God and politics, but the power of an impending poop is a higher calling to which every human must answer. Side by side in a public bathroom, any two human beings are stripped of their differences and reduced to their most basic essence: a pair of feet sticking out below the stall, and a pair of butt trumpets performing a greasy symphony to lament humanity’s non-negotiable deference to the call of the vile.

Under the influence of Taco Bell, there is no Christian or Muslim or Jew. There are only human bodies, reacting to the complications of digestion in the same predictable and malodorous ways. Poop wields supreme power over our bodies — when poop calls, you answer, or you face the consequences. Poop is our cruel tyrant, our fickle deity, our omnipotent oppressor — it is a force to which every human being has no choice but to submit.

And recognizing this is the first step toward world peace.

More info

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Compassion

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This is supposed to be a quote from Senator Ted Kennedy.  I Googled the quote and only found one link that had the quote attributed to Kennedy.  With his history, I find it hard to believe he would utter that.

Compassion

Thanks Gene

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Two old geezers and the house of ill repute….

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TWO OLD MEN DECIDE THEY ARE CLOSE TO THEIR LAST DAYS AND DECIDE TO HAVE A LAST NIGHT ON THE TOWN. AFTER A FEW DRINKS, THEY END UP AT THE LOCAL BROTHEL.

THE MADAM TAKES ONE LOOK AT THE TWO OLD GEEZERS AND WHISPERS TO HER MANAGER, ‘GO UP TO THE FIRST TWO BEDROOMS AND PUT AN INFLATED DOLL IN EACH BED. THESE TWO ARE SO OLD AND DRUNK, I’M NOT WASTING TWO OF MY GIRLS ON THEM. THEY WON’T KNOW THE DIFFERENCE.

THE MANAGER DOES AS HE IS TOLD AND THE TWO OLD MEN GO UPSTAIRS AND TAKE CARE OF THEIR BUSINESS.

AS THEY ARE WALKING HOME, THE FIRST MAN SAYS, YOU KNOW, I THINK MY GIRL WAS DEAD!’

‘DEAD?’ SAYS HIS FRIEND, ‘WHY DO YOU SAY THAT?’

‘WELL, SHE NEVER MOVED OR MADE A SOUND ALL THE TIME I WAS LOVING HER.’

HIS FRIEND SAYS, ‘COULD BE WORSE — I THINK MINE WAS A WITCH.’

‘A WITCH ?. . WHY THE HELL WOULD YOU SAY THAT?’

‘WELL, I WAS MAKING LOVE TO HER, KISSING HER ON THE TITTY, AND I GAVE HER A LITTLE BITE.  THEN SHE FARTED AND FLEW OUT THE WINDOW… AND TOOK MY TEETH WITH HER!’

Thanks Gene

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How the fight started….

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 I rear-ended a car this morning. So there we are alongside the road  and slowly  the driver gets out of the car. . . and you know how you just-get-so-stressed  and life-stuff seems to get funny?

 Yeah, well, I could NOT believe it . . . . . . . he was a DWARF!

 He storms over to my car, looks up at me and angrily says,

 ” I’M  NOT HAPPY! “

 So, I look down at him and say,

  ‘Well, then which one are you?’

 That’s when the fight started .

Thanks Gene

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