Month: March 2008

Things I’ve Learned…

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  • Recent Chicago Cubs acquisition Kosuke Fukudome pronounces his name as “Foo-koo-DOUGH-may” and NOT “Fuck-you-DO-me” as I had first thought. Glad we got that straightened out before any embarrassing conversational gaffes.
  • If your instinct tells you NOT to click on a link, run with your instinct. Never, ever click on a link titled “Two Guys, One Horse” assuming that it was hilariously mislabeled as some sort of joke.
  • NEVER answer the “Does this make me look fat?” question. And tread lightly when the “What are you thinking?” one is lobed at you.
  • Mistakes are the workshop of growth and learning.
  • Don’t sweat the small stuff, yet paradoxically little things mean a great deal!
  • I’m not sure if it’s age, A.D.D., or early onset of Alzheimer’s, but I find I need to make notes and lists to get things done. Now, if I could just stem the occurrences of going places at work and forgetting why I went there in the first place.
  • Tackle big problems in little steps.
  • Deadlines (much like traffic signals) are merely suggestions. However, in both cases it’s usually best to comply.
  • Better to lose the battle and to win the war.
  • You can pick your friends, you can pick your nose, BUT you can’t pick your friends’ nose!
  • Half the crap on the internet credited to Andy Rooney probably wasn’t his material.

    And with that in mind, a few that may, or may not be from Dave Berry’s List:

  • There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is: age 11.
  • The badness of a movie is directly proportional to the number of helicopters in it.
  • There is a very fine line between ‘hobby’ and ‘mental illness.’
  • If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be: meetings.
  • No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too seriously.

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    9 blonde jokes

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    Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking, and one  blonde says to the other, “Which do you think is farther away… Florida or the moon?” 

    The other blonde turns and says “Helloooooooooo, can you see Florida ?????” 

      

    CAR TROUBLE    
     A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died. 

    After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly. 

    She says, “What’s the story?” 

    He replies, “Just crap in the carburetor.” 

    She asks, “How often do I have to do that?” 

      

    SPEEDING TICKET  
    A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license.

    She replied in a huff, “I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!” 

     

    RIVER WALK 
    There’s this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank “Yoo-hoo!” she shouts, “How can I get to the other side?” 

        The second blonde looks up the river then down the river and shouts back, “You  ARE on the other side.” 

      

    DOCTOR’S OFFICE   
       A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor’s office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it. 

    “Impossible!” says the doctor. “Show me.” 

    The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left shoulder and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed even more. She pushed her knee and screamed;  likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream. 

       The doctor said, “You’re not really a redhead, are you? 

        “Well, no” she said, “I’m actually a blonde.” 

        “I thought so,” the doctor said. “Your finger is broken” 

      

    KNITTING 
    A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting! 

        Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, “PULL OVER!” 

        “NO!” the blonde yelled back, “IT’S A SCARF!” 

      

    BLONDE ON THE SUN   
        A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day. The Russian said, “We were the first in space!” 

        The American said, “We were the first on the moon!”  

        The Blonde said, “So what? We’re going to be the first on the sun!” 

        The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads.  “You can’t land on the sun, you idiot! You’ll burn up!” said the Russian.

        To which the Blonde replied, “We’re not stupid, you know. We’re going at night!” 

      

    IN A VACUUM   
         A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature Her question was, “If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?” 

        She thought for a time and then asked, “Is it on or off?” 

      

    A BLONDE AND HER TWO DOGS
      A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were. The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex.   Her friend said, “Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?” 

    “HELLLOOOOOOO……,” answered the blonde.  “They’re watch dogs!” 

    Thanks Joe P

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