Bits & Pieces

Fry spider

Fry Spider-500x407

Looks like he’s going after the disappearing ketchup.

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Fun with George

Fun with george

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If Excel were a car

If excel were a car…

It would crash two or three times per day for no apparent reason. The driver is often hurt, but the car itself receives no permanent damage. You’d just accept this fact, restart the car, and begin your trip again.
Occasionally, your car would fail to restart after a crash, and you’d have to reinstall the engine.For some strange reason, you’d just accept this too.
You would be forced to buy a new model every 18 months, and your old model would have no resale value. Each new model would be bigger that the previous one, require more gas, and would operate differently. Furthermore, parts from the old car would not be interchangeable with the new car.
You could call a special phone number when you had a problem. The phone would be staffed by people who know less about your car than you do.
There would be a special Macintosh model, powered by the sun. However, it would only run on 5 percent of the roads and require different driving skills.
You would have to spend additional money to buy the operating manuals.
The oil, engine, gas and alternator warning lights would be replaced by a single warning light: “This car has performed an illegal operation.”
Before engaging, the airbag system would display a message, “Are you sure?”
Every time you looked under the hood, an obnoxious cartoon character would appear and ask if you need help. No matter how many time you refused help, it would keep appearing.
A special feature would let you automatically record the route for a particular trip, so you could repeat the trip automatically later on. However, after repeating the trip you always end up at a different location.

Stolen with permission from J-Walk

You know you’re a cop if…

Police You have the bladder capacity of five people

You have ever restrained someone and it was not a sexual experience

You believe that 50% of people are a waste of good air

Your idea of a good time is a “man with a gun” call

You conduct a criminal record check on anyone who seems friendly towards you

You believe in the aerial spraying of Prozac and birth control pills

You disbelieve 90% of what you hear and 75% of what you see

You have your weekends off planned for a year

You believe the government should require a permit to reproduce

You refer to your favorite restaurant by the intersection at which it’s located

You have ever wanted to hold a seminar entitled: “Suicide…getting it Right the first time.

You ever had to put the phone on hold before you begin laughing uncontrollably

You think caffeine should be available in IV form

You believe anyone who says, “I only had two beers” is going to blow more than a .O8

You find out a lot about paranoia just by following people around

Anyone has ever said to you, “There are people killing other people out there and you are here messing with me.”

People flag you down on the street and ask you directions to strange places … and you know where it’s located

You can discuss where you are going to eat with your partner while standing over a dead body

You are the only person introduced at social gatherings by profession. (ISN’T THIS THE TRUTH!)

You walk into places and people think it’s high comedy to grab their buddy and shout, “They’ve come to get you, Bill.”

You do not see daylight from November until May

People shout, “I didn’t do it!” when you walk into a room and think they’re being hugely funny and original

A week’s worth of laundry consists of 5 T-shirts, 5 pairs of socks,and 5 pairs of underwear

You’ve ever referred to Tuesday as “my weekend”, or “this is my Friday.”

You’ve ever written off guns and ammunition as a business deduction

You believe that unspeakable evils will befall you if anyone says, “Boy, it sure is quiet tonight.”

Discussing dismemberment over a meal seems perfectly normal to you

You find humor in other people’s stupidity

You have left more meals on the restaurant table than you’ve eaten

You feel good when you hear “these handcuffs are too tight.”

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Ass Screws

Just in case you need to tighten up yours.

Ass screws

Thanks Jade

See my beard – Ain’t it weird?

Yes!

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Big Ol’ Johnson

Might be NSFW because of innuendo, but no bad language.

Thanks Gene

A few of my favorite things

Bubba is driving down a back road in South Carolina. 

A sign in front of a restaurant reads:

HAPPY HOUR  SPECIAL
 Lobster Tail and Beer

"Lord a'mighty," he says to himself, "my three favorite things!