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NAZI

You have two cows. The State takes both and shoots you.

SURREALISM

You have two giraffes. The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.

THE ANDERSON MODEL

You have two cows. You shred them.

ENRON VENTURE CAPITALISM

You have two cows. You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows. The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company. The annual report says you own eight cows, with an option on one more. You sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States, leaving you with nine cows. No balance sheet provided with the release. The public then buys your bull.

A SWISS CORPORATION

You have 5000 cows, but none of them belong to you. You charge the owners for storing them.

A CHINESE CORPORATION

You have two cows. You have 300 people milking them. You claim that you have full employment, and high bovine productivity. You arrest the newsman who reported the real situation.

AN INDIAN CORPORATION

You have two cows. You worship them.

AN IRAQI CORPORATION

Everyone thinks you have lots of cows. You tell them that you have none, but you really have two. No-one believes you, so they bomb the **** out of you and invade your country. They go into hiding. They send radio tapes of their mooing. You still have no cows, but at least now you are part of a ’democracy’.

AN AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION

You have two cows. Business seems pretty good. You close the office and go for a few beers to celebrate.

A NEW ZEALAND CORPORATION

You have two cows. The one on the left looks very attractive.

Thanks, Daryl!

Democrat:

You have two cows.

Your neighbor has none.

You feel guilty for being successful.

You push for higher taxes so the government can provide cows for everyone.

Republican:

You have two cows.

Your neighbor has none.

So?

Socialist:

You have two cows.

The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor.

You form a cooperative to tell him how to manage his cow

Communist:

You have two cows.

The government seizes both and provides you with milk.

You wait in line for hours to get it.

It is expensive and sour.

Capitalism, American Style:

You have two cows.

You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd of cows.

Bureaucracy, American Style:

You have two cows.

Under the new farm program the government pays you to shoot one, milk the other, and then pours the milk down the drain.

American Corporation:

You have two cows.

You sell one, lease it back to yourself and do an IPO on the 2nd one.

You force the two cows to produce the milk of four cows.

You are surprised when one cow drops dead.

You spin an announcement to the analysts stating you have downsized and are reducing expenses.

Your stock goes up.

French Corporation:

You have two cows.

You go on strike because you want three cows.

You go to lunch and drink wine.

Life is good.

Japanese Corporation:

You have two cows.

You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk.

They learn to travel on unbelievably crowded trains.

Most are at the top of their class at cow school.

German Corporation:

You have two cows.

You engineer them so they are all blond, drink lots of beer, give excellent quality milk, and run a hundred miles an hour.

Unfortunately they also demand 13 weeks of vacation per year.

Italian Corporation:

You have two cows but you don’t know where they are.

You break for lunch.

Life is good.

Russian Corporation:

You have two cows.

You have some vodka.

You count them and learn you have five cows.

You have some more vodka.

You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.

The Mafia shows up and takes over however many cows you really have.

Taliban Corporation:

You have all the cows in Afghanistan , which are two.

You don’t milk them because you cannot touch any creature’s private parts.

You get a $40 million grant from the US government to find alternatives to milk production but use the money to buy weapons.

Iraqi Corporation:

You have two cows.

They go into hiding.

They send radio tapes of their mooing.

Polish Corporation:

You have two bulls.

Employees are regularly maimed and killed attempting to milk them.

Belgian Corporation:

You have one cow.

The cow is schizophrenic.

Sometimes the cow thinks he’s French, other times he’s Flemish.

The Flemish cow won’t share with the French cow.

The French cow wants control of the Flemish cow’s milk.

The cow asks permission to be cut in half.

The cow dies happy.

Florida Corporation:

You have a black cow and a brown cow.

Everyone votes for the best looking one.

Some of the people who actually like the brown one best accidentally vote for the black one.

Some people vote for both.

Some people vote for neither.

Some people can’t figure out how to vote at all.

Finally, a bunch of guys from out-of-state tell you which one you think is the best-looking cow.

California Corporation (2003-2011) :

You have millions of cows.

They make real California cheese.

Only five speak English.

Most are illegal.

Arnold likes the ones with the big udders.

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