Thanks Gene
Flowers for the occasion
A new business was opening and one of the owner”s friends wanted to send flowers for the occasion. They arrived at the new business site and the owner read the card; it said “Rest in Peace”.
The owner was angry and called the florist to complain. After he had told the florist of the obvious mistake and how angry he was, the florist said:
“Sir, I”m really sorry for the mistake, but rather than getting angry you should imagine this: somewhere there is a funeral taking place today, and they have flowers with a note saying ”Congratulations on your new location”.”
Thanks Jet
How to take a wife: According to the Bible
#1 – Find an attractive prisoner of war, bring her home, shave her head, trim her nails, and give her new clothes. You then own her.
(Deuteronomy 21:11-13) See among the captives a beautiful woman, and have a desire for her and would take her as a wife for yourself, then you shall shave her head and trim her nails. She shall also remove her clothes and shall remain in your house, and you may go in to her and be her husband and she shall be your wife.
#2 – Find a prostitute and marry her.
(Hosea 1:1-3) the Lord said to Hosea, “Go, take to yourself a wife of harlotry and have children of harlotry.”
#3 – Purchase a piece of property, and get a woman as part of the deal.
(Ruth 4:5-10) Moreover, along with this land, I have traded for Ruth the Moabitess, the widow of Mahlon, to be my wife.
#4 – Pick the dancer you like.
(Judges 21:19-25) The sons of Benjamin took wives according to their number from those who danced, whom they carried away.
#5 – Cut off 200 foreskins of soldiers to get a wife.
(I Samuel 18:27) David struck down two hundred men among the Philistines. Then David brought their foreskins, and they gave them in full number to the king, that he might become the king’s son-in-law. So Saul gave him Michal his daughter for a wife.
#6 – Hold a beauty contest, and pick your favorite.
(Esther 2:3) “They gather every beautiful young virgin to the citadel of Susa, to the harem, and let their cosmetics be given them. Then let the young lady who pleases the king be queen in place of Vashti.
#7 – Spot a woman you like, and demand your parents get her for you.
(Judges 14:2) So he came back and told his father and mother, “I saw a woman in Timnah, one of the daughters of the Philistines; now therefore, get her for me as a wife.”
#8 – Snoop on her bathing, send your henchmen to take her.
(2 Samuel 11) David arose from his bed and walked around on the roof of the king’s house, and from the roof he saw a woman bathing; and the woman was very beautiful in appearance. David sent messengers and took her, and when she came to him, he lay with her; she became his wife; then she bore him a son.
20 weirdest Craigslist ads
1) Ralph Nader chair
“Yes, that’s right. Ralph Nader, perennial Green Party candidate for the U.S. presidency MAY have sat in this very chair! It was used in his Washington, DC campaign headquarters until I purchased it on Craiglist several months ago. It has a nice red, commie upholstery and a sleek black plastic backing. The wheels don’t function well, but that is a small price to pay for state control of the means of production.”
2) I want some orange juice
“I’ll give you $2 + cost if you’ll deliver me some orange juice with receipt. I’m too lazy to get it myself. I live right by University Drive in Elon. Thank you.”
3) Seeking adult drunk clown for 30th birthday party
“We need an Adult Drunk Clown who is good at getting drunk and stupid. No need to do any clown tricks, just hang out and drink a shit load. We will be hopping around to different bars and want a clown to tag a long and drink heavely. He doesn’t even need to socialize with anyone, just drink.”
4) Duck mask
“Full head rubber mask, old, has discoloration on white feather part from age, storage. Hey I got it on my big head, so it works that way.”
5) Woman to sit in my bath tub full of noodles, wearing a bathing suit
“I will pay you $1 to sit in my bathtub full of noodles while you wear a one piece bathing suit. I will not be home, nor will anyone else while you do this. I will leave the key for you, and you will sit at your leisure. DO NOT bring any sauce. I will season the pasta after I return home prior to dinner.”
6) Wanted: Pony
“My kid is having a birthday coming up soon, and there’ll be a lot of children around, so I figured I’d better get a pony. If you do have a pony you could sell, please contact me, and then immediately start putting barbeque sauce in it’s bedding or add some Lawry’s to it’s salt lick – I like to marinade it early and long, so that the flavor is at it’s peak by the time I take possession.”
7) I have a huge bathroom
“I am a female in my mid 60’s and I am looking for a room mate. Times are tight and I need some extra money. I am willing to rent out my bathroom in my 1 bedroom east village home. My bathroom is large. You can easily put a twin air mattress in there. I only ask that when I need to use the bathroom, you or your air mattress are not in it. I do ask that when you are in the apartment, you confine yourself to the bathroom. I do not feel comfortable with a stranger walking around my living room. This might change as I get to know you better.”
8) Pope hats
“Because of this terrible economy, I’m having to shut down my business. I have OVER 1300 Pope hats (replicas) that I REALLY need to get rid of. The pope hats came from China and are a little too small for most adult heads and are also irritating to the skin, so you would need to have long hair or wear a smaller hat underneath (just like the REAL POPE). Dogs do not like to wear these pope hats, but maybe a large cat or maybe a nice dog would wear one.”
9) Need someone to hide easter eggs in my apartment when im not home
“I need someone to hide easter eggs in my apt when i am not there ! They are small and filled with candy! I would like to find them myself on sunday! I am willing to pay! Serious inquiries only!”
10) Free couch, if you can bend time and/or space
“I have a free couch for anyone who can get it back out of my room. It’s a comfy couch, cool stripe velvet in great shape, impossibly uncomfortable sleeper, but otherwise easily worth $50-75 bucks in Craigslist land. So why am I listing in for free? Because I am pretty sure it is physically impossible to remove this thing from my second story bedroom down the narrow hallway, down the narrower staircase and out the front door of my little Victorian duplex.”
11) I took your purse and felt a connection
“Tuesday night around 11:30. On 53rd btw 1st and 2nd. You came out of the subway and I followed you. You looked over your shoulder, saw me and started walking faster. I ran up, grabbed your arm, took your purse and ran away. I’ve done many a snatch-and-grab but no one has ever stuck in my mind like you. There was a quick moment when our eyes met that I felt something strong. I think you felt it too. If I wasn’t so shy (or so committing a crime) I would have asked your name. I, of course, later got your name from your drivers license. So Jennifer if you’d like to get together for a drink sometime get back to me.”
12) Looking for bridesmaids
“So, my fiancee and I are getting married in June. He has 8 groomsmen lined up and I only have one bridesmaid. So, I need some girls who are attractive and around my age to stand up in my wedding. You can be single or taken. It doesn’t matter….you just have to be hot. But, not hotter then me. Email me for more information. The wedding will be in Madison and you won’t have to pay for a thing.”
13) Do you have a small, incontinent dog?
“Or perhaps you work for a small dog rescue of some sort. Either way, I have a package of small doggy diapers. I don’t want to throw them out coz they are pretty expensive. (as someone with a small, incontnent dog would already know). Please don’t try to put them on a cat. It won’t work. Trust me.”
14) My teeth
“I left my Dentures in your Silverado last night. I gave you my number but did not get yours. Please call me asap. I need my teeth. We met in the parking lot of Margarita Jones. Get back to me asap please. Thank you.”
15) Disgruntled American seeks Canadian for political asylum, maybe more
“Are you a lonely, possibly desperate Canadian woman aged 18-50? Tired of trying to find a good man among your flannel clad, Labatt’s drinking, moose hunting country men? Willing to take in an American who is fed up with his country? Then I’m the guy for you! Maybe you’re a bit overweight or suffer from “Lifelong Ugly Duckling” syndrome. I don’t care.”
16) Autographed copy of Plato’s Republic
“1st edition of The Republic signed by its author. There is of course a reasonable amount of wear and tear, (light highlighting and underlining, dog-eared pages, back cover missing, etc.), but it is in overall good condition considering its age.”
17) Ferocious attack kitten
“This destructive kitty has been trained as a proud warrior and will fiercely defend your house, even against you. Has a very soft and furry belly, like a teddy bear – however he will bite your face if you try to touch it. For the love of God, someone please take this thing out of my house.”
18) Free – international ketchup packet collection
“This is a collection of ketchup packets from around the world. approximately 25 countries are represented here, including japan, finland, estonia, greenland, brazil, and portugal. none of the packets have been opened and they are labeled with their home country. Collection comes in decorative box with ducks on it.”
19) Personal texting assistant
“I get 40 – 50 texts an hour, I cant handle my workload plus texting responsibilities. My phone gets too full and needs deleted every couple hours. This is a full time position and you must be where ever I am at, because my phone is always with me. Serious inquiries only.”
20) 300 stuffed penguins
“I’m going through a pretty weird time in my life right now–having just gone through a break-up and graduated college and temporarily living in my parents’ house before I move out for good in in the fall, though I remain unemployed because my philosophy degree is at *such* a premium–and sifting through my room (which has become a strange amalgam of my adolescence and burgeoning adulthood), it’s been brought to my attention that I probably won’t “catch a man” or have anyone believe I’m about to turn 23 with 300 penguins and a bunch of purple furniture around, that looking at my current room one might think some sort of 13-year-old with developmental issues is living here.”
The difference between the North and the South
The North has Bloomingdale’s, the South has Dollar General.
The North has Coffee Houses, the South has Waffle Houses.
The North has dating services, the South has family reunions.
The North has switchblade knives; the South has Lee Press-on Nails.
The North has double last names; the South has double first names.
The North has Indy car races; the South has stock car races.
The North has Cream of Wheat, the South has grits.
The North has green salads, the South has collard greens.
The North has lobsters, the South has crawfish.
The North has the rust belt; the South has the Bible belt.
FOR NORTHERNERS MOVING SOUTH. . .
In the South: –If you run your car into a ditch, don’t panic. Four men in a four-wheel drive pickup truck with a tow chain will be along shortly. Don’t try to help them, just stay out of their way. This is what they live for.
Don’t be surprised to find movie rentals and bait in the same store…. do not buy food at this store.
Remember, “Y’all” is singular, “all y’all” is plural, and ‘all y’all’s’ is plural possessive.
Get used to hearing ‘You ain’t from round here, are ya?’
Save all manner of bacon grease. You will be instructed later on how to use it.
Don’t be worried at not understanding what people are saying. They can’t understand you either.
The first Southern statement to creep into a transplanted Northerner’s vocabulary is the adjective “big ol’,” as in big ol’ truck or big ol’ boy. Most Northerners begin their Southern-influenced dialect this way. All of them are in denial about it.
The proper pronunciation you learned in school is no longer proper.
Be advised that “He needed killin’ ” is a valid defense here.
If you hear a Southerner exclaim, “Hey, y’all watch this,” you should stay out of the way. These are likely to be the last words he’ll ever say.
If there is the prediction of the slightest chance of even the smallest accumulation of snow, your presence is required at the local grocery store. It doesn’t matter whether you need anything or not. You just have to go there.
Do not be surprised to find that 10-year olds own their own shotguns, they are proficient marksmen, and their mammas taught them how to aim.
In the South, we have found that the best way to grow a lush green lawn is to pour gravel on it and call it a driveway.
AND REMEMBER:
If you do settle in the South and bear children, don’t think we will accept them as Southerners. After all, jus’ ’cause the cat had kittens in the oven, don’t mean we’re gonna call ’em biscuits.
Thanks Denny