438 thoughts on “Contact Me”

  9. CONQUERING FEAR

    Since childhood, I’ve always had a fear of someone under my bed at night.
    So I went to a shrink and told him about my problem. “Every time I go to
    bed I think there’s somebody under it. I’m scared. I think I’m going crazy.”

    ‘Just put yourself in my hands for one year,’ said the shrink. ‘Come talk
    to me three times a week and we should be able to get rid of those fears.’

    ‘How much do you charge?’ ‘Eighty dollars per visit,’ replied the doctor.
    “I’ll sleep on it,” I said.

    Six months later the doctor met me on the street. ‘Why didn’t you ever
    come to see me about those fears you were having?’ he asked.

    ‘Well, eighty bucks a visit three times a week for a year is an awful lot
    of money! A bartender cured me for $10. I was so happy to have saved all
    that money that I went and bought me a new pickup!’

    ‘Is that so!’ With a bit of an attitude he said, ‘and how, may I ask, did
    a bartender cure you?’

    ‘He told me to cut the legs off the bed! Ain’t nobody under there now!’

    FORGET THE SHRINK, GO HAVE A DRINK & TALK TO YOUR BARTENDER!
    Life is too short…..drink more beer today!

  13. Not sure that the ratings of 5 people are worth the delay in loading of the website. Perhaps you should consider getting rid of the ratings system?

  20. An elderly man really took care of his body. He lifted weights and jogged six miles every day. One morning he looked into the mirror, admiring his body, and noticed that he was suntanned all over with the exception of his penis. So he decided to do something about that.

    He went to the beach, undressed completely, and buried himself in the sand, except for his penis, which he left sticking out of the sand.

    A bit later, two little old ladies came strolling along the beach, one using a cane to help her get along. Upon seeing the thing sticking out of the sand, the lady with the cane began to move the penis around with her cane.

    Remarking to the other little old lady, she said, ‘There really is,no justice in the world.’

    The other little old lady asked, ‘What do you mean by that?’

    The first little old lady replied, ‘Look at that. When I was 20, I was curious about it. When I was 30, I enjoyed it. When I was 40, I asked for it. When I was 50, I paid for it. When I was 60, I prayed for it. When I was 70, I forgot about it.

    ‘Now that I’ m 80, the damned things are growing wild, and I’m too old to squat.’

  26. An Aussie truckie walks into an outback cafe’ with a full-grown
    emu behind him. The waitress asks them for their orders.

    The truckie says, ‘A hamburger, chips and a coke,’ and turns to the emu, ‘What’s yours?’ ‘I’ll have the same,’ says the emu.

    A short time later the waitress returns with the order ‘That will be $9.40
    please,’ and he reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for
    payment.

    The next day, the man and the emu come again and he says, ‘A
    hamburger, chips and a coke.’ The emu says, ‘I’ll have the same.’

    Again the truckie reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.

    This becomes routine until the two enter again. ‘The usual?’ asks the waitress.

    ‘No, it’s Friday night, so I’ll have a steak, baked potato and a salad,’ says the
    man. ‘Same,’ says the emu.

    Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, ‘That will be $32.62.’

    Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the
    table.

    The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. ‘Excuse me, mate, how do you manage to always come up with the exact change in your pocket every time?’

    ‘Well, love’ says the truckie, ‘a few years ago, I was cleaning out the back shed, and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes.. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand
    in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there.’

    ‘That’s brilliant!’ says the waitress. ‘Most people would ask for a million dollars or
    something, but you’ll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!’

    ‘That’s right. Whether it’s a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always
    there,’ says the man. The waitress asks, ‘What’s with the bloody emu?’

    The truckie sighs, pauses, and answers, ‘My second wish was for a tall bird with a
    big arse and long legs, who agrees with everything I say.’

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