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Whatever you give a woman, she will make greater.
If you give her sperm, she’ll give you a baby.
If you give her a house, she’ll give you a home.
If you give her groceries, she’ll give you a meal.
If you give her a smile, she’ll give you her heart.
She multiplies and enlarges what is given to her.
So, if you give her any crap, be ready to receive a ton of shit.”
Thanks Bella
I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don’t know what to feed it.
I had amnesia once — or twice. I went to San Francisco. I found someone’s heart. Now what?
Protons have mass? I didn’t even know they were Catholic.
All I ask is a chance to prove that money can’t make me happy.
If the world was a logical place, men would ride horses sidesaddle.
What is a “free” gift? Aren’t all gifts free?
They told me I was gullible … and I believed them.
Teach a child to be polite and courteous in the home and, when he grows up, he’ll never be able to merge his car onto a freeway.
Two can live as cheaply as one, for half as long.
Experience is the thing you have left when everything else is gone.
What if there were no hypothetical questions?
One nice thing about egotists: They don’t talk about other people.
When the only tool you own is a hammer, every problem begins to look like a nail.
A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.
What was the greatest thing before sliced bread? Hmmmm.
My weight is perfect for my height — which varies.
I used to be indecisive. Now I’m not sure.
The cost of living hasn’t affected its popularity.
How can there be self-help “groups”?
Is there another word for synonym?
Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all”?
The speed of time is one-second per second.
Is it possible to be totally partial?
What’s another word for thesaurus?
Is Marx’s tomb a communist plot?
If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales?
Show me a man with both feet firmly on the ground, and I’ll show you a man who can’t get his pants off.
It’s not an optical illusion. It just like one.
Some good advice here….
. Take your sunglasses off indoors. This includes elevators and planes.
. Don’t salt your food until you’ve tasted it.
. Enter a talent show.
. Never turn down a girl’s invitation to dance.
. Never skip practice.
. When it comes to shoveling snow, the earlier you start, the easier the job.
. Order the local specialty.
. Drive across the country. Don’t rush.
. If it’s cold, wear a jacket. Nobody is macho when they’re sick.
. There’s nothing wrong with musical theater.
. Have a signature dish, even if it’s your only one.
. If you aren’t a starter, stay close to the coach and be ready to play.
. Don’t be in a rush to settle down.
. Own good luggage.
. Learn to drive a stick shift.
. If you get yourself arrested, call me. You get one free pass.
. Smile at pretty girls.
. Be careful not to ogle girls at the beach. That’s why God invented sunglasses
. Jump in with your clothes on.
. Be quick with a “good morning.”
. Freedom is your right, but citizenship is earned.
. Believe it or not, a museum is a great place to beat a hangover. It’s cool, quiet, and full of water fountains.
. Keep your room clean. One day you’ll have roommates.
. Never leave a job without securing your next employment. But when it’s time to go, don’t hesitate.
. If you are tempted to wear a cowboy hat, resist.
. Find yourself a good hideout.
. Know the proper time to wear a tuxedo. It’s more often than you think.
. Know the proper time to chew gum. It’s less often than you think.
. Be cool to the younger kids. Reputations are built over a lifetime.
. Always stop at a lemonade stand. Tip well.
. If you’re going to quote someone, get it right.
. Be confident on the subway.
. Wait for your song to play on the jukebox.
. The best thing to do in the rain is be quiet and listen.
. Go all out on Halloween.
. Dance with your partner, not at her. But don’t forget to lead.
. Traveling to a foreign city is an excuse to dress up, not down.
. Take the time to get a shoeshine.
. Don’t get all fancy about your beer or coffee.
. Don’t let the ice cream truck get away.
. Don’t burn bridges.
. Participate in a good practical joke.
. Offer your name when greeting someone. Even good friends have lousy memories.
. If your mother is watching, wear a helmet.
. Hustle.
. Never sit down on a ball field. Take a knee.
. Despite what you may hear, not everyone’s a winner. It doesn’t mean you shouldn’t play.
. Keep hardback copies of your favorite books. Donate the rest to a local exchange.
. Treat your body well. You’ll be glad you did when you are a dad.
. Be beholden to no one. Pay in cash.
. There is no better remedy than a dip in the ocean.
. Avoid affectations, lest they become habits.
. Remember to thank your hosts.
. On stage is no time to be shy.
. If you don’t know what a word means, ask. Before it’s too late.
. Know your neighborhood like the back of your hand.
. Sometimes the best adventures are in your own backyard.
. Start a band.
. Know her dress size. Don’t ask.
. Don’t spit.
. On occasion, pick up the tab.
. Don’t poke fun at contemporary art. Put it in context.
. The key to good photography is not timing. It’s editing.
. Don’t be shy in the locker room. They’re all thinking the same thing.
. A vandal is the lowest form of scoundrel.
. Be a good listener. Don’t just wait for your turn to talk.
. “Ma’am” and “Sir” will get you far.
. Short pants are for little boys. Decide for yourself when you are a man.
. Always meet your date at the door.
. When in doubt, wear a tie.
. On a road trip, offer to buy the first tank of gas.
. Make a rock and roll pilgrimage.
. Sing along. But only if you know the words.
. Never pack more than you can carry yourself.
. Take the stairs.
“A human being should be able to change a diaper, plan an invasion, butcher a hog, conn a ship, design a building, write a sonnet, balance accounts, build a wall, set a bone, comfort the dying, take orders, give orders, cooperate, act alone, solve equations, analyze a new problem, pitch manure, program a computer, cook a tasty meal, fight efficiently, die gallantly. Specialization is for insects.” (Robert Heinlein)
. Root for the home team, even when they suck.
. Have a reliable hangout.
. Nothing good ever happens after 3 am. I promise.
. Sit in the front of the classroom.
. Finish what you start, especially books.
. At funerals, a dark suit is fine. You shouldn’t own a black one.
. Don’t loiter where there is a dispute that does not concern you.
. When speaking with a journalist, choose your words carefully.
. Don’t be a mooch.
. When using a saw, patience not strength is needed to make the smoothest cut.
. Never criticize a book, play, or film unless you have read or seen it yourself. Art is full of surprises.
. Be a good passer, but don’t forget to shoot.
. The most expensive restaurant isn’t always the best.
. Remember, the girl you’re with is somebody’s sister. And he’s perfectly capable of kicking your ass.
. Wear a sport coat when traveling by plane. It has easily accessible pockets.
. Keep your word.
. Never side against your brother in a fight.
. Memorize the Bill of Rights and your favorite poem.
. Respect fire, the ocean and electricity.
. Philanthropy is not measured in dollars and cents.
. Take the train.
. Don’t spend too much money on a haircut. They don’t last.
. On a city sidewalk, walk briskly and don’t impede pedestrian traffic. If you have to stop, move to the side.
. Attend lots of weddings. Your friends will be there and the food is always good.
. Read a newspaper every day. Don’t forget the funny pages.
. Send postcards.
. Draw what you see, not what you think is there.
. Exercise in the morning.
“ Never get less than twelve hours sleep; never play cards with a guy who has the same first name as a city; and never get involved with a woman with a tattoo of a dagger on her body. Now you stick to that, and everything else is cream cheese.” (Anon)
. Be patient with airplane personnel. It’ll pay off with better service.
. Offer your seat to a woman, no matter how old she is.
. You won’t always be the strongest or fastest. You can be the toughest.
. Call your mom.
. In the long run, loyalty trumps ambition every time.
. Watch a lightning storm from a safe spot. But watch ‘em.
. When caught in a riptide, swim parallel to the beach.
. Wrap your own presents. Aluminum foil works in a pinch and you don’t need tape.
. Remember birthdays and give thoughtful gifts.
. Don’t litter. Ever.
. Be a well-informed voter.
. Honking your horn won’t make anyone go faster.
. If you absolutely have to fight, punch first and punch hard. Aim for the nose.
. When in the woods, be quiet.
. Keep your eye on the ball and follow through. In sports and in life.
. Eat more vegetables.
. Write thank you notes promptly on personalized correspondence cards.
. Girls like boys who shower.
. Never welch on a bet. Better yet, don’t gamble.
. Stand up for the little guy
. Learn to change a tire and fix a belt. For everything else, take it to a garage.
. Never be afraid to ask out the best looking girl in the room. You’ll be surprised how often it works.
. Buy Regular Gas
. When shaking hands, grip firmly and look him in the eye.
. Be a Vigorous Dancer. However, you are under no obligation whatsoever to join a conga line.
. You Can Never Overdress
As You Slide Down the Banister of Life, Remember…
1.. Jim Baker and Jimmy Swaggert have Co-written an impressive new book. It’s called ……’Ministers Do More Than Lay People.’
2.. Transvestite: A guy who likes to eat, drink and be Mary.
3.. The difference between the Pope and your boss, the Pope only expects you to kiss his ring.
4.. My mind works like lightning, One brilliant flash and it is gone.
5.. The only time the world beats a path to your door is if you’re in the bathroom.
6.. I hate sex in the movies. Tried it once. The seat folded up, the drink spilled and that ice, well, it really chilled the mood.
7.. It used to be only death and taxes were inevitable. Now, of course, there’s shipping and handling, too…. and now there’s fuel surcharges.
8… A husband is someone who, after taking the trash out, gives the impression that he just cleaned the whole house.
9.. My next house will have no kitchen – just vending machines and a large trash can.
10.. A blonde said, ‘I was worried that my mechanic might try to rip me off. I was relieved when he told me all I needed was turn signal fluid.’
11.. My neighbor was bit by a stray rabid dog. I went to see how he was and found him writing frantically on a piece of paper. I told him rabies could be treated, and he didn’t have to worry about a will. He said, ‘Will? What will? I’m making a list of the people I want to bite.’
12.. Definition of a teenager?
God’s punishment..for enjoying sex.
13.. As you slide down the banister of life, may the splinters never point the wrong way.
Thanks Joe P
I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.
The only reason I would take up walking is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.
I have to walk early in the morning, before my brain figures out what I’m doing.
I joined a health club last year, spent about 400 bucks. Haven’t lost a pound. Apparently you have to go there.
If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country.
I know I got a lot of exercise the last few years…… just getting over the hill.
We all get heavier as we get older, because there’s a lot more information in our heads. That’s my story and I’m sticking to it.
“More hay, Trigger?” “No thanks, Roy, I’m stuffed!”
It’s lonely at the top, but you eat better.
I used to wake up grumpy. Now her new boyfriend does.
Campers: Nature’s way of feeding mosquitoes.
Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who couldn’t control her pupils?
I’m as confused as a baby in a topless bar.
They laughed when I said I was going to be a comedian. Well they’re not laughing now.
We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse.
Flashlight: A case for holding dead batteries.
Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
There’s too much blood in my caffeine system.
Artificial Intelligence usually beats real stupidity.
I wouldn’t be caught dead with a necrophiliac.
Hey Santa, how much is it for the list of naughty girls?
What has four legs and an arm? A happy pit bull.
One good thing about repeating your mistakes is that you know when to cringe.
Always proofread carefully to see if you any words out.
Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now.
Ever notice how fast Windows runs? Me neither.
When there’s a will, I want to be in it.
This sentence contradicts itself. No, wait… apparently it doesn’t.
The information went data way.
“Happiness is a warm puppy,” said the anaconda.
An effective way to deal with predators is to taste terrible
Be popular. Otherwise people might not like you.
“Cogito eggo sum” – “I think, therefore I am a waffle.”
Everyone else my age is an adult, whereas I am merely in disguise.
GREAT TRUTHS THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED:
1) No matter how hard you try, you can’t baptize cats.
2) When your Mom is mad at your Dad, don’t let her brush your hair.
3) If your sister hits you, don’t hit her back. They always catch the second person.
4) Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.
5) You can’t trust dogs to watch your food.
6) Don’t sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.
7) Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.
8) You can’t hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
9) Don’t wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.
10) The best place to be when you’re sad is Grandpa’s lap
GREAT TRUTHS THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED:
1) Raising teenagers is like nailing Jell-O to a tree.
2) Wrinkles don’t hurt.
3) Families are like fudge…mostly sweet, with a few nuts.
4) Today’s mighty oak is just yesterday’s nut that held its ground.
5) Laughing is good exercise. It’s like jogging on the inside.
6) Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy.
GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT GROWING OLD:
1) Growing up is mandatory; growing old is optional.
2) Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.
3) When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you’re down there.
4) You’re getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.
5) It’s frustrating when you know all the answers but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.
6) Time may be a great healer, but it’s a lousy beautician.
7) Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.
Thanks June C
