Thoughts

1. Half the people you know are below average.

2. 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

3. 42.7% of statistics cited by people in arguments are made up on the spot.

4. A conscience is what feels bad when everything else feels so good.

5. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

6. The early bird may get the worm, but it’s the second mouse who gets the cheese.

7. What’s the speed of dark?

8. How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?

9. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

10. Hard work pays off in the future; laziness pays off now.

11. Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.

12. My mechanic told me, “I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.”

13. If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

14. A conclusion is the place where you get tired of thinking.

15. The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

16. The sooner you fall behind, the more time you’ll have to catch up.

17. Everyone has a photographic memory; some just don’t have any film.

via

1. I think part of a best friend’s job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.
 
2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you’re wrong.
 
3. I totally take back all those times I didn’t want to nap when I was younger.
 
4. There is great need for a sarcasm font.
 
5. How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?
 
6. Was learning cursive really necessary?
 
7. Map Quest really needs to start their directions on #5. I’m pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.
 
8. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.
 
9. I can’t remember the last time I wasn’t at least kind of tired.
 
10. Bad decisions make good stories.
 
11. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren’t going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.
 
12. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blue Ray? I don’t want to have to restart my collection…again.
 
13. I’m always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page research paper that I swear I did not make any changes to.
 
14. “Do not machine wash or tumble dry” means I will never wash this thing I have– ever.
 
15. I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring (Hello? Hello? Damn it!), but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and goes to voicemail. What’d you do after I didn’t answer?  Drop the phone and run away?
 
16. I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste.
 
17. I keep some people’s phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.
 
18. My 4-year old grandson asked me in the car the other day, “Grandma, what would happen if you ran over a ninja?” How the hell do I respond to that?
 
19. I think the freezer deserves a light as well..
 
20. I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet, on any given Friday or Saturday night, more kisses begin with Bud Light than with a Kay jeweler product.

Thanks Gene

Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?

Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?

Why  do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are almost dead? 

Why do banks charge a fee on ‘insufficient funds’ when they already know there is not enough money?

 Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?

Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give  the vacuum one more chance?

Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try?

How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?

When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart then apologizes for doing so, why do we say, ‘It’s all right?’ Well, it isn’t all right, so why don’t we say, ‘That really hurt, why don’t you watch where you’re going?’

Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that’s falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?

In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?

How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?

The statistics on sanity is that one out of every four persons is suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends — if they’re okay, then it’s you.

Thanks Gene

13. Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway…
12. Life is sexually transmitted.
11. Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die….
10. Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection make him a sandwich…
9. Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach a person to use the Internet and they won’t bother you for weeks.
8. Some people are like Slinkies . . . not really good for anything, but you still can’t help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs….
7. Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday lying in hospitals dying of nothing.
6. Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.
5. All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism…
4. Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars and a substantial tax cut saves you thirty cents?
3. In the 60’s people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal…
2. Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have come to realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first…

AND THE # 1 THOUGHT FOR THE DAY:
You read about all these Terrorists and most of them came here legally, but they hung around on these expired visas, some for as long as 10-15 years. Now, compare that to Blockbuster; you are two days late with a video and those people are all over you. I think we should put Blockbuster in charge of immigration & Homeland Security.

Thanks Eroca

I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.

Garden Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it was a valuable plant.

The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to  buy a replacement.

Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to?

In the 60’s, people took acid to make the world weird.  Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

Wouldn’t it be nice if whenever we messed up our life we could simply press ‘Ctr- Alt- Delete’ and start all over?

Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever.

If raising children was going to be easy, it never would have started with something called ‘labor!’

How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, ‘I think I’ll squeeze these dangly things here and drink whatever comes out?’

Who was the first person to say, ‘See that chicken there?  I’m gonna eat the next thing that comes outta its butt.’

Thanks Gene

Why is it when your wife becomes pregnant, all her female friends rub her tummy and say “Congratulations.”

But none of them rub your crotch and say “well done”.

Thanks tdc

Have you ever wondered if the bills in your wallet were ever in a stripper’s butt crack?
If not, you’re wondering now.

Have a nice day ..

via

I wish Google Maps had an “Avoid Ghetto” routing option.

More often than not, when someone is telling me a story all I can think
about is that I can’t wait for them to finish so that I can tell my own
story that’s not only better, but also more directly involves me.

Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you’re wrong.

I don’t understand the purpose of the line, “I don’t need to drink to have fun.” Great, no one does. But why start a fire with flint and sticks when they’ve invented the lighter?

Have you ever been walking down the street and realized that you’re going in the complete opposite direction of where you are supposed to be going? But instead of just turning a 180 and walking back in the direction from which you came, you have to first do something like check your watch or phone or make a grand arm gesture and mutter to yourself to ensure that no one in the surrounding area thinks you’re crazy by randomly switching directions on the sidewalk.

I totally take back all those times I didn’t want to nap when I was younger.

The letters T and G are very close to each other on a keyboard. This recently became all too apparent to me and consequently I will never be ending a work email with the phrase “Regards” again.

Do you remember when you were a kid, playing Nintendo and it wouldn’t work? You take the cartridge out, blow in it and that would magically fix the problem.  Every kid in America did that, but how did we all know how to fix the problem? There was no internet or message boards or FAQ’s. We just figured it out. Today’s kids are soft.

There is a great need for sarcasm font.

Sometimes, I’ll watch a movie that I watched when I was younger and suddenly realize I had no idea what the heck was going on when I first saw it.

I think everyone has a movie that they love so much, it actually becomes stressful to watch it with other people.  I’ll end up wasting 90 minutes shiftily glancing around to confirm that everyone’s laughing at the right parts, then making sure I laugh just a little bit harder (and a
millisecond earlier) to prove that I’m still the only one who really, really gets it.

How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?

I would rather try to carry 10 plastic grocery bags in each hand than take 2 trips to bring my groceries in.

I think part of a best friend’s job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.

The only time I look forward to a red light is when I’m trying to finish a text.

A recent study has shown that playing beer pong contributes to the spread of mono and the flu. Yeah, if you suck at it.

Was learning cursive really necessary?

Lol has gone from meaning, “laugh out loud” to “I have nothing else to say”.

I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.

Answering the same letter three times or more in a row on a Scantron test is absolutely petrifying.

My brother’s Municipal League baseball team is named the Stepdads. Seeing as none of the guys on the team are actual stepdads, I inquired about the name. He explained, “Cuz we beat you, and you hate us.”  Classy, bro.

Whenever someone says “I’m not book smart, but I’m street smart”, all I hear is “I’m not real smart, but I’m imaginary smart”.

How many times is it appropriate to say “What?” before you just nod and smile because you still didn’t hear what they said?

Every time I have to spell a word over the phone using ‘as in’ examples, I will undoubtedly draw a blank and sound like a complete idiot. Today I had to spell my boss’s last name to an attorney and said “Yes that’s G as in…(10 second lapse)..ummm…Goonies”

What would happen if I hired two private investigators to follow each other?

While driving yesterday I saw a banana peel in the road and instinctively swerved to avoid it…thanks Mario Kart.

MapQuest really needs to start their directions on #5. Pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.

Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.

I find it hard to believe there are actually people who get in theshower first and THEN turn on the water.

Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.

I can’t remember the last time I wasn’t at least kind of tired.

Whenever I’m Facebook stalking someone and I find out that their profile is public I feel like a kid on Christmas morning who just got the Red Ryder BB gun that I always wanted. 546 pictures? Don’t mind if I do!

Is it just me or do high school girls get sluttier & sluttier every year?

If Carmen San Diego and Waldo ever got together, their offspring would probably just be completely invisible.

Why is it that during an ice-breaker, when the whole room has to go around and say their name and where they are from, I get so incredibly nervous? Like I know my name, I know where I’m from, this shouldn’t be a problem….

You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you’ve made up your mind that you just aren’t doing anything productive for the rest of the day.

Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after DVDs? I don’t want to have to restart my collection.

There’s no worse feeling than that millisecond you’re sure you are going to die after leaning your chair back a little too far.

I’m always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten page research paper that I swear I did not make any changes to.

“Do not machine wash or tumble dry” means I will never wash this ever.

I hate being the one with the remote in a room full of people watching TV. There’s so much pressure. ‘I love this show, but will they judge me if I keep it on? I bet everyone is wishing we weren’t watching this.  It’s only a matter of time before they all get up and leave the room. Will we still be friends after this?’

I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring (Hello? Hello? Damnit!), but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and goes to voicemail. What’d you do after I didn’t answer? Drop the phone and run away?

I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste.

When I meet a new girl, I’m terrified of mentioning something she hasn’t already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.

I like all of the music in my iTunes, except when it’s on shuffle, then I like about one in every fifteen songs in my iTunes.

Why is a school zone 20 mph? That seems like the optimal cruising speed for pedophiles…

As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.

Sometimes I’ll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.

It should probably be called Unplanned Parenthood.

I keep some people’s phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.

I think that if, years down the road when I’m trying to have a kid, I find out that I’m sterile, most of my disappointment will stem from the fact that I was not aware of my condition in college.

Even if I knew your social security number, I wouldn’t know what do to with it.

Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey – but I’d bet my @$$ everyone can find and push the Snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time every time…

My 4-year old son asked me in the car the other day “Dad what would happen if you ran over a ninja?” How the hell do I respond to that?

It really pisses me off when I want to read a story on CNN.com and the link takes me to a video instead of text.

I wonder if cops ever get pissed off at the fact that everyone they drive behind obeys the speed limit.

I think the freezer deserves a light as well.

I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lites than Kay.

The other night I ordered takeout, and when I looked in the bag, I saw they had included four sets of plastic silverware. In other words, someone at the restaurant packed my order, took a second to think about it, and then estimate d that there must be at least four people eating
to require such a large amount of food. Too bad I was eating by myself. There’s nothing like being made to feel like a fat bastard before dinner.

Thanks Manish