Sex

Baseball vs Porn

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A man watching a baseball game on TV kept switching channels to a dirty movie featuring a lusty couple.

 “I don’t know whether to watch them or the game,” he said to his wife.

“For heaven’s sake, watch them have sex,” his wife said.”You already know how to play baseball!”

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What if sex was clean but food was dirty?

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Sexy chickWhen you think of it, there are only two things people need. You got to have sex. You got to have food. That’s it. You don’t need clothing, shelter, or TV. Okay, maybe TV, but otherwise, it’s sex and food. But for some reason, some people think sex is dirty. Maybe God was a Republican.

Somebody said, “All right, you want to propagate, go ahead, but only late at night, with all the doors closed, man on top, once a week, that’s it.” But not only can you eat the charred decaying flesh of other major mammals, you can do it in broad daylight and invite all your friends to watch: “Hey, Chuck, why don’t you come over on Sunday? We’re going to kill a pig, cut him up, burn him, and eat him. Bring the kids, we’ll have a hell of a time.”

What if they had been switched around? What if, through a simple twist of fate, sex was clean but food was dirty? Our entire culture would change. Food would become a four-letter word.

When people got angry at you, they’d yell out “Oh yeah? Well, food you. Suck cheese you Popsicle slurper.” Punks in passing cars would flip you the fork. Flashers would have pizzas strapped to their chests. “Oh my goodness. It’s a pepperoni.”

Locker room talk would change. “Hey, man, how’d you do this weekend?”
“Two burgers and a bag of fries. Crinkle cut.”

Garlic would be illegal in most Southern states. Supermarkets would check I.D.’s and charge admission to the poultry section. Frederick’s of Hollywood would feature peekaboo napkins and day-of-the-week paper plates. Foreplay would be listed as a menu selection.

Vice squads would conduct raids on backyard barbecues. “All right, put down your meat. Just back away from the buns, mister.”

Vegetarians would be prohibited from becoming teachers and a lot of them would move to the Bay Area. Hookers would become cooks.

You’d be accosted on street corners by plump ladies in Day-Glo aprons. “Hey, big boy, looking for a hot meal? Wanna crack some crab?”

Fundamentalist Christians would make meat and potatoes a religious tenet.

Many sexual positions would be found to be carcinogenic.

Parents would tell their children not to play with their food or they’ll go blind.

Kids would remember the first time their mother caught them marinating.

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Bizarre genitals

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The corkscrew duck penis

Patricia Brennan from Yale University is trying to encourage male Muscovy ducks to launch their ballistic penises into test tubes.
Normally, the duck keeps its penis inside-out within a sac in its body. When the time for mating arrives, the penis explodes outwards to a fully-erect 20cm, around a quarter of the animal’s total body length. The whole process takes just a third of a second, and Brennan captures it all on high-speed camera. This isn’t just bizarre voyeurism. Duck penises are a wonderful example of the strange things that happens when sexual conflict shapes the evolution of animal bodies.

WrasseSex change
Another of the astonishing twists in the animal world is the sex change of the wrasse, or Cleaner fish. A male wrasse will dominate a group of females, and if for some reason he should abandon them, the most dominant of the remaining females will begin to change sex within a few hours. This gender flexibility has many advantages, not the least of which is the fact that their propensity for changing genders makes the wrasse a highly prized guest on the daytime talk show circuit.

Wait, that’s not a trunk
 Elephant-penis
This is a bull elephant firmly establishing why it is he, and not the lion, who is king of beasts. The elephant’s penis is not only massive but prehensile. As we watched in baffled amusement (and the faintest tinge of inadequacy), he used his penis to prop himself up (as in the photo), swat flies from his side and scratch himself on his stomach. David Attenborough never showed us that…

There’s good reason for elephants to have prehensile penises. It’s hard enough for a six-ton animal to get into the right position for sex, let alone having to do the rhythmic thrusting that’s required. So he let’s his penis do all the work for him.

A little more…

  • One testicle of the average Blue whale can weigh up to 100 pounds.
  • Rorqual whales the penis can be up to 10 feet long, with a diameter of up to one foot.
  • Porpoises often participate in group sex.
  • Kangaroo penises are just plain freaky looking. They’re bifurcated (with the exception of Grey or Red kangas). The penises are split. But this is to compensate for the fact that female kangas have two vaginas. Come again?
  • Sharks come equipped with not one, but two penises. The claspers (ptorygopodia) are misleading in name, because they don’t “clasp” the female at all.
  • Flatworms can have dozens of penises. It’s important because the fight over potential mates is a brutal game. Even though flatworms are hermaphrodites, penis chomping among one another isn’t unusual.
  • And now we end with the smallest wee-wee. The common shrew has a penis so small, it only measures up to a paltry 0.2 inches. And that’s erect.
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