Religion
How to take a wife: According to the Bible
#1 – Find an attractive prisoner of war, bring her home, shave her head, trim her nails, and give her new clothes. You then own her.
(Deuteronomy 21:11-13) See among the captives a beautiful woman, and have a desire for her and would take her as a wife for yourself, then you shall shave her head and trim her nails. She shall also remove her clothes and shall remain in your house, and you may go in to her and be her husband and she shall be your wife.
#2 – Find a prostitute and marry her.
(Hosea 1:1-3) the Lord said to Hosea, “Go, take to yourself a wife of harlotry and have children of harlotry.”
#3 – Purchase a piece of property, and get a woman as part of the deal.
(Ruth 4:5-10) Moreover, along with this land, I have traded for Ruth the Moabitess, the widow of Mahlon, to be my wife.
#4 – Pick the dancer you like.
(Judges 21:19-25) The sons of Benjamin took wives according to their number from those who danced, whom they carried away.
#5 – Cut off 200 foreskins of soldiers to get a wife.
(I Samuel 18:27) David struck down two hundred men among the Philistines. Then David brought their foreskins, and they gave them in full number to the king, that he might become the king’s son-in-law. So Saul gave him Michal his daughter for a wife.
#6 – Hold a beauty contest, and pick your favorite.
(Esther 2:3) “They gather every beautiful young virgin to the citadel of Susa, to the harem, and let their cosmetics be given them. Then let the young lady who pleases the king be queen in place of Vashti.
#7 – Spot a woman you like, and demand your parents get her for you.
(Judges 14:2) So he came back and told his father and mother, “I saw a woman in Timnah, one of the daughters of the Philistines; now therefore, get her for me as a wife.”
#8 – Snoop on her bathing, send your henchmen to take her.
(2 Samuel 11) David arose from his bed and walked around on the roof of the king’s house, and from the roof he saw a woman bathing; and the woman was very beautiful in appearance. David sent messengers and took her, and when she came to him, he lay with her; she became his wife; then she bore him a son.
Ernie’s confession
‘Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl’.
The priest asks, ‘Is that you, little Ernie?’
‘Yes, Father, it is.’
‘And who was the girl you were with?’
‘I can’t tell you, Father. I don’t want to ruin her reputation’.
“Well, Ernie, I’m sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?’
‘I cannot say.’
‘Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?’
‘I’ll never tell.’
‘Was it Nina Capelli?’
‘I’m sorry, but I cannot name her.’
‘Was it Cathy Piriano?’
‘My lips are sealed.’
‘Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?’
‘Please, Father, I cannot tell you.’
The priest sighs in frustration. ‘You’re very tight lipped, and I admire that. But you’ve sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself.’
Ernie walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers, ‘What’d you get?’
‘Four months vacation and five good leads.’
Thanks Gene
The Garden of Eden – Adam’s version
One day, after a near eternity in the Garden of Eden, Adam calls out to God, ‘Lord, I have a problem.’
‘What’s the problem, Adam?’, God replies.
‘Lord, I know you created me and have provided for me and surrounded me with this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals, but I’m just not happy’
‘Why is that, Adam?’, comes the reply from the heavens.
‘Lord, I know you created this place for me, with all this lovely food and all of the beautiful animals, but I am lonely.’
‘Well Adam, in that case I have the perfect solution. I shall create a ‘woman’ for you.’
‘What’s a ‘woman’, Lord?’
‘This ‘woman’ will be the most intelligent, sensitive, caring, and beautiful creature I have ever created. She will be so intelligent that she can figure out what you want before you want it. She will be so sensitive and caring that she will know your every mood and how to make you happy. Her beauty will rival that of the heavens and earth. She will unquestioningly care for your every need and desire. She will be the perfect companion for you.’, replies the heavenly voice.
‘Sounds great.’
‘She will be, but this is going to cost you, Adam.’
‘How much will this ‘woman’ cost me Lord?’, Adam replies.
‘She’ll cost you your right arm, your right leg, an eye, an ear, and your left testicle.’
Adam ponders this for some time, with a look of deep thought and concern on his face. Finally Adam says to God, ‘Ehhh, what can I get for a rib?’
The rest, as they say, is history.
Jesus’ ethnicity in question
There were 3 good arguments that Jesus was Black:
1. He called everyone brother
2. He liked Gospel
3. He didn’t get a fair trial
But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Jewish:
1. He went into His Father’s business
2. He lived at home until he was 33
3. He was sure his Mother was a virgin and his
Mother was sure He was God
But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Italian:
1. He talked with His hands
2. He had wine with His meals
3. He used olive oil
But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was a Californian:
1. He never cut His hair
2. He walked around barefoot all the time
3. He started a new religion
But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was an American Indian:
1. He was at peace with nature
2. He ate a lot of fish
3. He talked about the Great Spirit
But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Irish:
1. He never got married.
2. He was always telling stories.
3. He loved green pastures.
But the most compelling evidence of all : 3 proofs that Jesus was a woman:
1. He fed a crowd at a moment’s notice when there was virtually no food
2. He kept trying to get a message across to a bunch of men who just didn’t get it
3. And even when He was dead, He had to get up
because there was still work to do
Can I get an AMEN!! ???
That should offend just about everyone. My work is done!
Thanks Gene
Bubba and the preacher
Bubba goes to the revival and listens to the preacher. After a while, the preacher asks anyone with needs to come forward and be prayed over.
Bubba gets in line and when it’s his turn the preacher says, “Bubba, what you want me to pray about? “
Bubba says, “Preacher, I need you to pray for my hearing.”
So the preacher puts one finger in Bubba’s ear and the other hand on top of his head and prays a while. After a few minutes, he removes his hands and says, “Bubba, how’s your hearing now?”
Bubba says, “I don’t know preacher, it’s not until next Wednesday.”
Going to heaven
The nun teaching Sunday School was speaking to her class one morning and she asked the question, “When you die and go to Heaven…which part of your body goes first?”
Suzy raised her hand and said, “I think it’s your hands.”
“Why do you think it’s your hands, Suzy?”
Suzy replied, “Because when you pray, you hold your hands together in front of you and God just takes your hands first.”
“What a wonderful answer!” the nun said.
Little Johnny raised his hand and said, “Sister, I think it’s your feet.”
The nun looked at him with the strangest look on her face. “Now, Little Johnny, why do you think it would be your feet?”
Johnny said, “Well, I walked into Mommy and Daddy’s bedroom the other night Mommy and her legs straight up in the air and she was saying, “Oh ! God, I’m coming!”
“If Dad hadn’t pinned her down, we’d have lost her.”
The nun fainted.