Quotes

Funny Work Quotes

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The reason why worry kills more people than work is that more people worry than work.
Robert Frost

The easiest job in the world has to be coroner. Surgery on dead people. What’s the worst thing that could happen? If everything went wrong, maybe you’d get a pulse
Dennis Miller

Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance?
Edgar Bergen

Doing nothing is very hard to do…you never know when you’re finished.
Leslie Nielsen

The trouble with unemployment is that the minute you wake up in the morning you’re on the job.
Slappy White

I only go to work on days that don’t end in a ‘y’.
Robert Paul

It’s just a job. Grass grows, birds fly, waves pound the sand. I beat people up.
Muhammad Ali

A good rule of thumb is if you’ve made it to thirty-five and your job still requires you to wear a name tag, you’ve made a serious vocational error.
Dennis Miller

I like work: it fascinates me. I can sit and look at it for hours.
Jerome K Jerome

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Weird words of wisdom

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1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much leave me ALONE.

2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tire.

3. It’s always darkest before dawn. So if you’re going to steal your neighbor’s newspaper, that’s the time to do it.

4. Don’t be irreplaceable. If you can’t be replaced, you can’t be promoted.

5. Always remember that you’re unique. Just like everyone else.

6. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

7. If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of car payments.

8. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes.

9. If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not for you.

10. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

11. If you lend someone $20 and you never see that person again, it was probably worth it.

12. If you tell the truth, you don’t have to remember anything.

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13. Some days you’re the bug; some days you’re the windshield.

14. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

15. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.

16. A closed mouth gathers no foot.

17. Duct tape is like ‘The Force’. It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.

18. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.

19. Generally speaking, you aren’t learning much when your lips are moving.

20. Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.

21. Never miss a good chance to shut up.

22. Never, under any circumstance, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

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12 of the finest double-entendres that have been aired on British TV & Radio

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1. Pat Glenn, weightlifting commentator – ‘And this is Georgiana from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning and it was amazing!’

2. New Zealand Rugby Commentator – ‘Andrew Mehrtens loves it when Daryl Gibson comes inside of him.’

3. Ted Walsh – Horse Racing Commentator – ‘This is really a lovely horse. I once rode her mother.’

4. Harry Carpenter at the Oxford-Cambridge boat race 1977 – ‘Ah, isn’t that nice. The wife of the Cambridge President is kissing the Cox of the Oxford crew.’

5. US PGA Commentator – ‘One of the reasons Arnie (Arnold Palmer) is playing so well is that, before each tee shot, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them … .. Oh my god!! What have I just said??’

6. Carenza Lewis about finding food in the Middle Ages on ‘Time Team Live’ said: ‘You’d eat beaver if you could get it.’

7. A female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn’t, turned to the weatherman and asked, ‘So Bob, where’s that eight inches you pro missed me last night?’ Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too, because they were laughing so hard!

8. Steve Ryder covering the US Masters: ‘Ballesteros felt much better today after a 69 yesterday.’

9. Clair Frisby talking about a jumbo hot dog on Look North said: ‘There’s nothing like a big hot sausage inside you on a cold night like this.’

10. Mike Hallett discussing missed snooker shots on Sky Sports: ‘Stephen Hendry jumps on Steve Davis’s misses every chance he gets.’

11. Michael Buerk on watching Phillipa Forrester cuddle up to a male astronomer for warmth during BBC1’s UK eclipse coverage remarked: ‘They seem cold out there, they’re rubbing each other and he’s only come in his shorts.’

12. Ken Brown commentating on golfer Nick Faldo and his caddie Fanny Sunneson lining-up shots at the Scottish Open: ‘Some weeks Nick likes to use Fanny, other weeks he prefers to do it by himself.

Thanks Kevin and Sue

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Some gun wisdom

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The purpose of fighting is to win. There is no possible victory in defense.

The sword is more important than the shield, and skill is more important than either. The final weapon is the brain. All else is supplemental. 
As John Steinbeck once said …
1. Don’t pick a fight with an old man. If he is too old to fight, he’ll just kill you. 
 
2. If you find yourself in a fair fight, your tactics suck. 
 
3. I carry a gun cause a cop is too heavy. 
 
4. When seconds count, the cops are just minutes away. 
 
5. A reporter did a human-interest piece on the Texas Rangers. The  reporter recognized the Colt Model 1911 the Ranger was carrying and asked him ‘Why do  you carry a .45?’
The Ranger responded, ‘Because they don’t make a 46.’ 
 
6. An armed man will kill an unarmed man with monotonous regularity. 
 
7. The old sheriff was attending an awards dinner when a lady commented  on his wearing his sidearm. 
‘Sheriff, I see you have your pistol. Are you expecting trouble?’ 
‘No Ma’am. If I were expecting trouble, I would have brought my rifle.’ 
 
8. Beware the man who only has one gun. HE PROBABLY KNOWS HOW TO USE IT!!! 
I was once asked by a lady visiting if I had a gun in the house. I said I  did. 
She said ‘Well I certainly hope it isn’t loaded!’ 
To which I said, Of course it’s loa ded, it won’t work without bullets!’ 
She then asked, ‘Are you that afraid of some one evil coming into your  house?’ 
My reply was, ‘No not at all. I am not afraid of the house catching fire either, but I have fire extinguishers around, and they are all loaded  too.’ 
To which I’ll add, having a gun in the house that isn’t loaded is like having a car in the garage without gas in the tank. 
 
‘ The true soldier fights not because he hates what is in front of him, but because he loves what is behind him.’ – G. K. Chesterton
 
Thanks Gene

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Rodney Dangerfield

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  • My wife only has sex with me for a purpose. Last night she used me to time an egg.
  • It’s tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won’t drink from my glass!
  • Last night my wife met me at the front door. She was wearing a sexy negligee. The only trouble was, she was coming home.
  • A girl phoned me and said, “Come on over. There’s nobody home.” I went over. Nobody was home!
  • A hooker once told me she had a headache.
  • I went to a massage parlor. It was self service.
  • If it weren’t for pickpocket s, I’d have no sex life at all.
  • I was making love to this girl and she started crying I said, “Are you going to hate yourself in the morning?” She said, “No, I hate myself now.”
  • I knew a girl so ugly that she was known as a two-bagger. That’s when you put a bag over your head in case the bag over her head comes off.
  • I knew a girl so ugly, they use her in prisons to cure sex offenders.
  • My wife is such a bad cook, if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.
  • I’m so ugly I stuck my head out the window and got arrested for mooning.
  • The other day I came home and a guy was jogging, naked. I asked him, “Why?” He said, “Because you came home early.”
  • My wife’s such a bad cook, the dog begs for Alka-Seltzer.
  • I know I’ m not sexy. When I put my underwear on I can hear the Fruit-of-the-Loom guys giggling.
  • My wife is such a bad cook, in my house we pray after the meal.
  • My wife likes to talk on the phone during sex; she called me from Chicago last night.
  • My family was so poor that if I hadn’t been born a boy, I wouldn’t of had anything to play with.

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Actual questions asked of National Park Rangers

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From the May 1995 issue of Outside magazine:

 GRAND CANYON:

    * Was this man made?
    * Do you light it up at night?
    * Is the mule train air conditioned?
    * So where are the faces of the presidents?

EVERGLADES NATIONAL PARK:

    * Are the alligators real?
    * Are the baby alligators for sale?
    * Where are all the rides?
    * What time does the 2 o’clock bus leave?

MESA VERDE NATIONAL PARK:

    * Did people build this, or did Indians?
    * Why did they build the ruins so close to the road?
    * Do you know of any undiscovered ruins?
    * What did they worship in the kivas – their own made up religion?
    * Why did the Indians decide to live in Colorado?

CARLSBAD CAVERNS NATIONAL PARK:

    * How much of the cave is underground?
    * So what’s in the unexplored part of the cave?
    * So what is this – just a hole in the ground?

YOSEMITE NATIONAL PARK:

    * Where are the cages for the animals?
    * What time of year do they turn on Yosemite Falls?
    * What happened to the other half of Half Dome?

YELLOWSTONE NATIONAL PARK:

    * Does Old Faithful erupt at night?
    * How do you turn it on?
    * When does the guy who turns it on get to sleep?
    * We had no trouble finding the park entrance but where are the exits?

DENALI NATIONAL PARK:

    * What’s so wonderful about Wonder Lake?
    * How much does Mount McKinley weigh?
    * What time do you feed the bears?
    * How often do you mow the tundra?

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Grandparents…

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Grandparents: The people who think your children are wonderful even though they’re sure you’re not raising them right.

The reason grandparents and grandchildren get along so well is that they have a common enemy.

My grandfather’s a little forgetful, but he likes to give me advice. One day, he took me aside and left me there. -Ron Richards

My grandmother was a very tough woman. She buried three husbands and two of them were just napping. -Rita Rudner

My grandmother is over eighty and still doesn’t need glasses–drinks right out of the bottle.

My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She’s ninety-seven now, and we don’t know where the hell she is. -Ellen DeGeneres

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Top 100 funny quotes

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Billed as the Top 100 funniest quotes…. Not so sure about that, but some are pretty good.   Here are a few:

  • Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that. – George Carlin
  • “No comment” is a comment. – George Carlin
  • Boy, those French: They have a different word for everything! – Steve Martin
  • I celebrated Thanksgiving in an old-fashioned way. I invited everyone in my neighborhood to my house, we had an enormous feast, and then I killed them and took their land. – Jon Stewart
  • A recent police study found that you’re much more likely to get shot by a fat cop if you run. – Dennis Miller
  • Now there are more overweight people in America than average-weight people. So overweight people are now average. Which means you’ve met your New Year’s resolution. – Jay Leno
  • Every town has the same two malls: the one white people go to and the one white people used to go to. – Chris Rock
  • You know the world is going crazy when the best rapper is a white guy, the best golfer is a black guy, the tallest guy in the NBA is Chinese, the Swiss hold the America’s Cup, France is accusing the U.S. of arrogance, Germany doesn’t want togo to war, and the three most powerful men in America are named ‘Bush’, ‘Dick’, and ‘Colon.’ Need I say more? – Chris Rock

The complete list

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