Quotes
The 25 Sexiest Things Ever Said by Women
1. “The serpent beguiled me, and I did eat.” —Eve, Genesis 3:13
2. “To err is human—but it feels divine.” —Mae West
3. “We’re so damn conservative all day that when you finally get us in the bedroom, we’re absolute animals.” —Shannen Doherty, on being Republican
4. “Lust is the sin that gets me excited. Luckily, because I’m married, I also get good jewelry out of it.” —Heather Locklear
5. “All I can say is if they show my butt in a movie, it better be a wide shot.” —Jennifer Lopez
6. “I don’t think I have to introduce myself, unless you don’t recognize me with my clothes on.” —Madonna
7. “If you want to turn on your boyfriend, get naked and strap on an accordion.” —Sheryl Crow
8. “It says, ‘Pamela.’ And when he gets excited, it says, ‘I love Pamela very, very much. She’s a wonderful wife, and I enjoy her company to the 10th degree!’ ” —Pamela Anderson, on the tattoo on Tommy Lee’s penis
9. “Most virtue is a demand for greater seduction.” —Natalie Clifford Barney
10. “Only the united beat of sex and heart can create ecstasy.” —Anais Nin
11. “It’s pitch, sex is. Once you touch it, it clings to you.” —Margery Allingham
12. “As a stripper, I was getting a taste of what it would be like to be a woman in a society that honors the animal vitality in us all, instead of despising it.” —Seph Weene
13. “It was like experiencing a nuclear explosion in a very small place.” —Loni Anderson, describing sex with WKRP in Cincinnati costar Gary Sandy
14. “I get such a rush going to the store, standing in front of the condom counter and going through them. I love the gold-coin ones. Every time I undo one, it reminds me of the chocolate candies from my childhood.” —Sandra Bullock
15. “I don’t think being obsessed with sex is any stranger than being obsessed with stamp collecting.” —Annie Sprinkle
16. “I’m very old-fashioned. Occasionally I do wear underwear.” —Sharon Stone
17. “Men ought to become more conscious of their bodies as objects of delight.” —Germaine Greer
18. “A kiss is a lovely trick designed by nature to stop speech when words become superfluous.” —Ingrid Bergman
19. “You wanna know what my tongue feels like?” —Janet Jackson
20. “You see a lot of smart guys with dumb women, but you hardly ever see a smart woman with a dumb guy.” —Erica Jong
21. “Don’t! Ever! Stop! F—ing! Me!” —Kelly Preston, in Jerry Maguire
22. “Is she perverted like me? Would she go down on you in a theater?” —Alanis Morissette
23. “I’m not a prostitute, but I could give you what you want.” —Missy Elliott
24. “When she raises her eyelids, it’s as if she were taking off all her clothes.” —Colette
25. “I like to wake up feeling a new man.” —Jean Harlow
Celebrities say the darndest things
“There are only two reasons to sit in the back row of an airplane: Either you have diarrhea, or you’re anxious to meet people who do.”
Henry Kissinger (former US Secretary of State)
“Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake whole relationships.”
Sharon Stone
“My girlfriend always laughs during sex-no matter what she’s reading.”
Steve Jobs (Founder: Apple Computers)
“My cousin just died. He was only 19. He got stung by a bee-the natural enemy of a tightrope walker.”
Dan Rather (News anchorman)
“I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with ‘Guess’ on it. I said, ‘Thyroid problem?”
Arnold Schwarzenegger
“Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men. Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps.”
Tiger Woods
“I read somewhere that 77 per cent of all the mentally ill live in poverty. Actually, I’m more intrigued by the 23 per cent who are apparently doing quite well for themselves.”
Jerry Garcia (Grateful Dead)
“I discovered I scream the same way whether I’m about to be devoured by a Great White or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot.”
Axel Rose (Guns’n’Roses)
“Capital punishment turns the state into a murderer. But imprisonment turns the state into a gay dungeon-master.”
Rev. Jesse Jackson
“My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch.”
Jack Nicholson
“Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is.”
Barbara Bush (Former US First Lady)
“Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man’s genitals through his wallet.”
Robin Williams
“Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month that I can be myself.”
Roseanne
“There’s a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what’s the problem?”
Dustin Hoffman
“Instead of getting married again, I’m going to find a woman I don’t like and just give her a house.”
Rod Stewart
Advice from old people….
From a collection of advice from old people….
- “Forget looks an’ tits an’ shit. All ya needs from life is a woman with a heart of gold and a fanny like a jar of worms.”
- People in power only hold that power because you allow them to. If they abuse that power, you can take it away from them. This applies to relationships, employers, landlords, councils and the Government.
- When you think “I’ll just have one more drink” – don’t have it.
- If there is somthing in your life you love doing – try to find a job where they will pay you to do it.
- “It’s easier to get a girlfriend when you already have a girlfriend”
- “Don’t be surprised when people are not pleased for your success and are happy when you fail”
- “Remember to fuck around a lot, when I was growing up we weren’t allowed to” (Granny – aged 89). She’s also advised me never to do cocaine, and also that marijuana brownies are great.
- My great uncle also once told me to never try shitting in a wicker waste paper bin.
- “Never look at your mom when she’s eating a banana.”
- “Son, now you are married, you must learn this important lesson on dealing with a Wife.. if you are going out for a night on the ale, tell her you are coming home an hour or two later than you actually intend to.. that way, when you arrive home ‘early’ she’ll be delighted that you’ve cut short your night out to be with her”
- “Never chase after a bus or a girl – another one’ll come along soon enough!”
- No one wins in a fight. If you hit him 20 times and he hits you once it still fucking hurts.
- Always kick a man when he is down because you probably won’t have the balls to hit him if he gets back up.
- Genuine good advice from my Grandad – ‘Don’t listen to your mother, she never has known what she’s talking about’
- Never trust a man whose tie is lighter than his shirt.
- My nan tells me spoonful of sugar helps the medicine go down… I’m a fucking diabetic.
- My Gran told me that if my poo floated, in the toilet obviously, then I wasn’t eating properly. Once my jobbies went under, I could consider myself pretty healthy.
- “Life is like riding a bike. If you look down or look back, you’ll fall off. The only way to get where you want to go is to look forward.”
- The best advice I ever received was written on the side of a box of matches, it said “Keep dry and away from children”
- Ugly women… …have vaginas too, son.
- Never trust a man with a beard, he’s hiding something.
- “If you take longer strides when you’re walking, your shoes will last longer”.
- Never sleep with a woman who’s problems are worse than your own.
- “Never skimp on spending money on a good pair of shoes and a decent bed. If you’re not in one, you’re in the other”.
- “Never get separated from your lunch”
- “life is like a shit sandwich, the more bread you got the better it tastes”
- “always leave a party while you’re still having fun, you’re a young lad now but later you’ll understand, never forget”
- Women are like cowpats, the older they are, the easier they are to pick up…
- “He who is scared and runs away, lives to run another day!”
- “Never trust a dog with a curly tail”
- Always take a dump when you’re at work, you’re getting paid for it
- Don’t eat gravy and icecream at the same time.
Mother and son sayings…
THOMAS EDISON’S MOTHER:
“Of course I’m proud that you invented the electric light bulb. Now, turn it off and get to bed!”
ABRAHAM LINCOLN’S MOTHER:
“Again with the stovepipe hat? Can’t you just wear a baseball cap like the other kids?”
ALBERT EINSTEIN’S MOTHER:
“But it’s your senior picture. Can’t you do something about your hair? OY! Styling gel, Mousse, Something…?”
COLUMBUS’ MOTHER:
“I don’t care what you’ve discovered, You still could have written!”
MICHELANGELO’S MOTHER:
“Can’t you paint on walls like other children? Do you have any idea how hard it is to get that stuff off the ceiling?”
NAPOLEON’S MOTHER:
“All right, if you aren’t hiding your report card inside your jacket, take your hand out of there and show me.”
MARY’S MOTHER:
“I’m not upset that your lamb followed you to school. But, I would like to know how he got a better grade than you.”
GEORGE WASHINGTON’S MOTHER:
“The next time I catch you throwing money across the Potomac, you can kiss your allowance good-bye!”
PAUL REVERE’S MOTHER:
“I don’t care where you think you have to go, young man, midnight is past your curfew.”
Words or wisdom
Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself, ‘Barbara, you should have remained a virgin.’
— Barbara Bush (mother of G.W.)
I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered.
But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalog:
‘No good in a bed, but fine against a wall.’
— Eleanor Roosevelt
Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen.
I have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that statement.
— Mark Twain
The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending;
and to have the two as close together as possible.
— George Burns
Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year.
– – Victor Borge
Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.
— Mark Twain
By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you’ll become happy;
if you get a bad one, you’ll become a philosopher.
— Socrates
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
— Groucho Marx
I don’t feel old. I don’t feel anything until noon. Then it’s time for my nap.
— Bob Hope
I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.
— W.C. Fields
We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress.
— Will Rogers
Don’t worry about avoiding temptation as you grow older, it will avoid you.
— Winston Churchill
Maybe it’s true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.
— Phyllis Diller
By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he’s too old to go anywhere.
—Billy Crystal
The cardiologist’s diet: If it tastes good, spit it out.
Thanks Joe P
When insults were literate
… And notice – not one four letter word in the bunch…!!!
The exchange between Churchill & Lady Astor:
She said, “If you were my husband I’d give you poison,”
He replied, “If you were my wife, I’d drink it.”
A Member of Parliament to Disraeli: “Sir, you will either die on the gallows or of some unspeakable disease.”
“That depends, Sir,” said Disraeli, “on whether I embrace your policies or your mistress.”
“He had delusions of adequacy.” – Walter Kerr
“He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire.” – Winston Churchill
“A modest little person, with much to be modest about.” – Winston Churchill
“I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure.” – Clarence Darrow
“He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary.” – William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway).
“Poor Faulkner. Does he really think big emotions come from big words?” – Ernest Hemingway (about William Faulkner)
“Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I’ll waste no time reading it.” – Moses Hadas
“He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I now.” – Abraham Lincoln
“I didn’t attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.” – Mark Twain
“He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends.” – Oscar Wilde
“I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend… if you have one.” – George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill
“Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second… if there is one.” – Winston Churchill, in response.
“I feel so miserable without you; it’s almost like having you here.” – Stephen Bishop
“He is a self-made man and worships his creator.” – John Bright
“I’ve just learned about his illness. Let’s hope it’s nothing trivial.” – Irvin S. Cobb
“He is not only dull himself; he is the cause of dullness in others.” – Samuel Johnson
“He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up.” – Paul Keating
“There’s nothing wrong with you that reincarnation won’t cure.” – Jack E. Leonard
“He has the attention span of a lightning bolt.” – Robert Redford
“They never open their mouths without subtracting from the sum of human knowledge.” – Thomas Brackett Reed
“In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily.” – Charles, Count Talleyrand
“He loves nature in spite of what it did to him.” – Forrest Tucker
“Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on t?” – Mark Twain
“His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork.” – Mae West
“Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.” – Oscar Wilde
“He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts… for support rather than illumination.” – Andrew Lang (1844-1912)
“He has all of the morals of a dog in heat.” – Unknown Source – (about a previous president.)
“He has Van Gogh’s ear for music.” – Billy Wilder
“I’ve had a perfectly wonderful evening but this wasn’t it.” – Groucho Marx
Thanks Gene
Thoughts on Wives . . .
When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.
Sacha Guitry
After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can’t face each other, but still they stay together.
Hemant Joshi
By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you’ll be happy. If you get a bad one, you’ll become a philosopher.
Socrates
Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them.
Dumas
The great question… which I have not been able to answer… is, “What does a woman want?
Sigmund Freud
I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.
Anonymous
“Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.”
Henny Youngman
“I don’t worry about terrorism. I was married for two years.”
Sam Kinison
“There’s a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It’s called marriage.”
James Holt McGavran
“I’ve had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me, and the second one didn’t.”
Patrick Murray
Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming
1. Whenever you’re wrong, admit it,
2. Whenever you’re right, shut up.
Nash
The most effective way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once…
Anonymous
You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to.
Henny Youngman
My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
Rodney Dangerfield
A good wife always forgives her husband when she’s wrong.
Milton Berle
Marriage is the only war where one sleeps with the enemy.
Anonymous
A man inserted an ‘ad’ in the classifieds: “Wife wanted.” Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: “You can have mine.”
Anonymous
First Guy (proudly): “My wife’s an angel!”
Second Guy: “You’re lucky, mine’s still alive.”
Thanks Donnie Mac