Quote of the day…
“Today, I saw that my ironing board cover was wrinkled. I laughed at the irony. Then I laughed again because irony has the word iron in it.”
Quotes
Stupid comments of the rich and famous
Question: If you could live forever, would you and why?
Answer: “I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever,” –Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest.
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“Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can’t help but cry. I mean I’d love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff.” –Mariah Carey
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“Smoking kills. If you’re killed, you’ve lost a very important part of your life,” –Brooke Shields, during an interview to become Spokesperson for federal anti-smoking campaign.
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“I’ve never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body,” — Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward.
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“Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country,” –Mayor Marion Barry, Washington , DC .
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“I’m not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president.” –Hillary Clinton commenting on the release of subpoenaed documents.
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“That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I’m just the one to do it,” –A democratic congressional candidate in Texas .
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“Half this game is ninety percent mental.” –Philadelphia Phillies manager, Danny Ozark
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“It isn’t pollution that’s harming the environment. It’s the impurities in our air and water that are doing it.” –Al Gore, Vice President
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“I love California . I practically grew up in Phoenix.” –Dan Quayle
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“We’ve got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need?”–Lee Iacocca
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“The word ‘genius” isn’t applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein.” –Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback & sports analyst.
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“We don’t necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of people.” –Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instructor.
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“If we don’t succeed, we run the risk of failure.” –Bill Clinton, President
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“We are ready for an unforeseen event that may or may not occur.” –Al Gore, VP “““““““““““““““““`
“Traditionally, most of Australia ’s imports come from overseas.” –Keppel Enderbery
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“Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances.” –Department of Social Services, Greenville , South Carolina
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“If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at night as they go to bed and it will monitor their heart throughout the night. And the next morning, when they wake up dead, there’ll be a record.” –Mark S. Fowler, FCC Chairman
Groucho Marx quotes
What a witty guy he was….
Those are my principles, and if you don’t like them… well, I have others.-
Whoever named it necking was a poor judge of anatomy. –
Alimony is like buying hay for a dead horse. –
All people are born alike – except Republicans and Democrats. –
Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot. –
From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Someday I intend reading it. –
Getting older is no problem. You just have to live long enough. –
I don’t care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members. –
I must confess, I was born at a very early age. –
I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn’t it. –
I read in the newspapers they are going to have 30 minutes of intellectual stuff on television every Monday from 7:30 to 8. to educate America. They couldn’t educate America if they started at 6:30. –
I have a mind to join a club and beat you over the head with it. –
I remember the first time I had sex – I kept the receipt. –
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury. –
Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution? –
I worked my way up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty. –
Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly and applying the wrong remedies. –
Quote me as saying I was mis-quoted. –
The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you’ve got it made. –
I intend to live forever, or die trying-
How to understand politics
In my many years I have come to a conclusion that one useless man is a shame, two is a law firm and three or more is a congress.
-John Adams
‘If you don’t read the newspaper you are uninformed, if you do read the newspaper you are misinformed.’
-Mark Twain
Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But then I repeat myself.
-Mark Twain
I contend that for a nation to try to tax itself into prosperity is like a man standing in a bucket and trying to lift himself up by the handle.
-Winston Churchill
A government which robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the support of Paul.
– George Bernard Shaw
A liberal is someone who feels a great debt to his fellow man, which debt he proposes to pay off with your money.
-G Gordon Liddy
Democracy must be something more than two wolves and a sheep voting on what to have for dinner.
-James Bovard, Civil Libertarian (1994)
Foreign aid might be defined as a transfer of money from poor people in rich countries to rich people in poor countries.
-Douglas Casey, Classmate of Bill Clinton at Georgetown University
Government is the great fiction, through which everybody endeavors to live at the expense of everybody else.
-Frederic Bastiat, French Economist (1801-1850)
If you think health care is expensive now, wait until you see what it costs when it’s free!
-P.J. O’Rourke
In general, the art of government consists of taking as much money as possible from one party of the citizens to give to the other.
-Voltaire (1764)
Just because you do not take an interest in politics doesn’t mean politics won’t take an interest in you!
-Pericles (430 B.C.)
No man’s life, liberty, or property is safe while the legislature is in session.
-Mark Twain (1866)
Talk is cheap…except when Congress does it.
-Unknown
The inherent vice of capitalism is the unequal sharing of the blessings. The inherent blessing of socialism is the equal sharing of misery.
-Winston Churchill
The only difference between a tax man and a taxidermist is that the taxidermist leaves the skin.
-Mark Twain
The ultimate result of shielding men from the effects of folly is to fill the world with fools.
-Herbert Spencer, English Philosopher (1820-1903)
There is no distinctly American criminal class … save Congress.
-Mark Twain
What this country needs are more unemployed politicians.
-Edward Langley, Artist (1928 – 1995)
A government big enough to give you everything you want, is strong enough to take everything you have.
-Thomas Jefferson
Thanks Gene
The 15 greatest drinking quotes
These aren’t in any particular order but it’s easy to see with four entries in the list the W.C. Fields is by far the best boozer that has lived.
“Alcohol may be man’s worst enemy, but the bible says love your enemy.” –Frank Sinatra
“Back in my rummy days, I would tremble and shake for hours upon arising. It was the only exercise I got.” –W. C. Fields
“Here’s to alcohol: the cause of, and solution to, all of life’s problems.” –Homer Simpson
“You’re not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.” –Dean Martin
“There can’t be good living where there is not good drinking.”–Benjamin Franklin
“I don’t care how liberated this world becomes – a man will always be judged by the amount of alcohol he can consume – and a woman will be impressed, whether she likes it or not.” –Doug Coughlin (Cocktail)
“I never drink anything stronger than gin before breakfast.” –W. C. Fields
“My rule of life prescribed as an absolutely sacred rite smoking cigars and also the drinking of alcohol before, after and if need be during all meals and in the intervals between them.” –Winston Churchill
“Sometimes when I reflect back on all the beer I drink I feel shamed. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn’t drink this beer, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. Then I say to myself, “It is better that I drink this beer and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver.” –Jack Handy
“Always carry a flagon of whiskey in case of snakebite and furthermore always carry a small snake.” –W. C. Fields
“It was a woman who drove me to drink, and I never had the courtesy to thank her for it.”
–W. C. Fields
“I feel sorry for people who don’t drink. They wake up in the morning and that’s the best they are going to feel all day.” –Frank Sinatra
“You can’t be a real country unless you have a beer and an airline… it helps if you have some kind of a football team, or some nuclear weapons, but at the very least you need a beer.” –Frank Zappa
“The problem with the world is that everyone is a few drinks behind.” –Humphrey Bogart
“It takes only one drink to get me drunk. The trouble is, I can’t remember if it’s the thirteenth or the fourteenth.” –George Burns
Sage advice from a 50 year old
Written By Regina Brett, 90 50 years old, of The Plain Dealer, Cleveland, Ohio.
“To celebrate growing older, I once wrote the 45 lessons life taught me. It is the most-requested column I’ve ever written. My odometer rolled over to 50 in August May of 2006, so here is the column once more: “
1. Life isn’t fair, but it’s still good.
2. When in doubt, just take the next small step.
3. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone…
4. Your job won’t take care of you when you are sick. Your friends and parents will. Stay in touch.
5. Pay off your credit cards every month.
6. You don’t have to win every argument. Agree to disagree.
7. Cry with someone. It’s more healing than crying alone.
8. It’s OK to get angry with God. He can take it.
9. Save for retirement starting with your first pay check.
10. When it comes to chocolate, resistance is futile.
11. Make peace with your past so it won’t screw up the present.
12. It’s OK to let your children see you cry.
13. Don’t compare your life to others. You have no idea what their journey is all about..
14. If a relationship has to be a secret, you shouldn’t be in it.
15. Everything can change in the blink of an eye. But don’t worry; God never blinks.
16. Take a deep breath. It calms the mind.
17. Get rid of anything that isn’t useful, beautiful or joyful.
18. Whatever doesn’t kill you really does make you stronger.
19. It’s never too late to have a happy childhood. But the second one is up to you and no one else.
20. When it comes to going after what you love in life, don’t take no for an answer.
21. Burn the candles, use the nice sheets, wear the fancy lingerie. Don’t save it for a special occasion, today is special.
22. Over prepare, then go with the flow.
23. Be eccentric now. Don’t wait for old age to wear purple.
24. The most important sex organ is the brain.
25.. No one is in charge of your happiness but you.
26. Frame every so-called disaster with these words ‘In five years, will this matter?’
27. Always choose life.
28. Forgive everyone everything.
29. What other people think of you is none of your business.
30. Time heals almost everything. Give time.
31. However good or bad a situation is, it will change.
32. Don’t take yourself so seriously. No one else does.
33. Believe in miracles.
34. God loves you because of who God is, not because of anything you did or didn’t do.
35. Don’t audit life. Show up and make the most of it now.
36. Growing old beats the alternative — dying young.
37. Your children get only one childhood.
38. All that truly matters in the end is that you loved.
39. Get outside every day. Miracles are waiting everywhere.
40. If we all threw our problems in a pile and saw everyone else’s, we’d grab ours back.
41. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need.
42. The best is yet to come.
43. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.
44. Yield.
45. Life isn’t tied with a bow, but it’s still a gift.”
Thanks Denny
BTW: Snopes verifies this is accurately attributed but that her age is wrong.
15 funny sports quotes
1. “Left hand, right hand, it doesn’t matter. I’m amphibious.” – Charles Shackleford
To be fair… He can actually breathe underwater too.
2. “Any time Detroit scores more than 100 points and holds the other team below 100 points, they almost always win.” – Doug Collins
… Almost? What happens the other times?
3. “I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father” –Greg Norman
And all of his other parents he failed to mention.
4. “Rich Folkers is throwing up in the bullpen.” –Jerry Coleman
He’s sick? I hope he can still pitch today.
5. “The drivers have one foot on the brake, one on the clutch, and one on the throttle.” –Bob Varsha
6. “You can sum up this sport [boxing] in two words: ‘You never know.’” -Lou Duva
Only two? Ok, can’t argue with that.
7. “When you get that nice celebration coming into the dugout and you’re getting your ass hammered by guys—there’s no better feeling than to have that done.” -Matt Stairs
Umm… what?
8. “The NFL, like life, is full of idiots.” –Randy Cross
Truer words were never spoken.
8. “He’s a guy who gets up at six o’clock in the morning regardless of what time it is.” –Lou Deva… again.
….Ok Lou, ok.
10. “You don’t like to see hookers going down on players like that.” –Murry Mexted
11. “I dunno. I never smoked any Astroturf.” –Tug Mcgraw
After being asked if he preferred grass or Astroturf, the Tugger responded with this gem.
12. “Baseball is 90% mental. The other half is physical.” –Yogi Berra
And just because Yogi gave us so many, a bonus: “If you come to a fork in the road, take it.”
13. “We’re going to turn this team around 360 degrees.” –Jason Kidd
So, you’re going to turn it all the way around and continue in the direction it was originally going? On second thought, maybe you should stay in college Jason.
14. “He treats us like men. He lets us wear earrings.” –Torrin Polk
That’s the most important thing a college football coach can offer his team. Earings.
15. Reporter: “Did you visit the Parthenon while in Greece?”
Shaquille O’Neill: “I can’t really remember the names of all the clubs we went to.”
Old West insults
He has teeth so crooked he could eat corn on the cob through a picket fence.
He’s studying to be a half wit.
She’s so ugly, she’d make a freight train take a dirt road!
He’s as crazy as popcorn on a hot stove.
He was so ugly he had to sneak up on a dipper to get a drink of water.
His brain cavity wouldn’t make a drinkin’ cup for a canary.
If all his brains were dynamite, there wouldn’t be enough to blow his nose.
She’s so ugly, she could back a buzzard off a gut-wagon.
He couldn’t track an elephant in snow.
His mustache smelled like a mildewed saddle blanket after it had been rid on a soreback hoss three hundred miles in August.
He couldn’t hit the ground with his hat in three throws.
Quotes about government
1. In my many years I have come to a conclusion that one useless man is a shame, two is a law firm and three or more is a congress.
— John Adams
2. If you don’t read the newspaper you are uninformed, if you do read the newspaper you are misinformed.
— Mark Twain
3. Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But then I repeat myself.
— Mark Twain
4. I contend that for a nation to try to tax itself into prosperity is like a man standing in a bucket and trying to lift himself up by the handle .
— Winston Churchill
5. A government which robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the support of Paul.
— George Bernard Shaw
6. A liberal is someone who feels a great debt to his fellow man, which debt he proposes to pay off with your money.
— G. Gordon Liddy
7. Democracy must be something more than two wolves and a sheep voting on what to have for dinner.
— James Bovard, Civil Libertarian (1994)
8. Foreign aid might be defined as a transfer of money from poor people in rich countries to rich people in poor countries.
— Douglas Casey, Classmate of Bill Clinton at Georgetown University
9. Giving money and power to government is like giving whiskey and car keys to teenage boys.
— P.J. O’Rourke, Civil Libertarian
10. Government is the great fiction, through which everybody endeavors to live at the expense of everybody else.
— Frederic Bastiat, French Economist (1801-1850)
11. Government’s view of the economy could be summed up in a few short phrases: If it moves, tax it. If it keeps moving, regulate it. And if it stops moving, subsidize it.
— Ronald Reagan (1986)
12. I don’t make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts.
— Will Rogers
13. If you think health care is expensive now, wait until you see what it costs when it’s free!
— P.J. O’Rourke
14. In general, the art of government consists of taking as much money as possible from one party of the citizens to give to the other.
— Voltaire (1764)
15. Just because you do not take an interest in politics doesn’t mean politics won’t take an interest in you!
— Pericles (430 B.C.)
16. No man’s life, liberty, or property is safe while the legislature is in session.
— Mark Twain (1866)
17. Talk is cheap… except when Congress does it.
— Anonymous
18.
The government is like a baby’s alimentary canal, with a happy appetite at one end and no responsibility at the other.
— Ronald Reagan
19.
The inherent vice of capitalism is the unequal sharing of the blessings. The inherent blessing of socialism is the equal sharing of misery.
— Winston Churchill
20. The only difference between a tax man and a taxidermist is that the taxidermist leaves the skin.
— Mark Twain
21. The ultimate result of shielding men from the effects of folly is to fill the world with fools.
–Herbert Spencer, English Philosopher (1820-1903)
22. There is no distinctly native American criminal class… save Congress.
— Mark Twain
23. What this country needs are more unemployed politicians.
— Edward Langley, Artist (1928-1995)
24. A government big enough to give you everything you want, is strong enough to take everything you have.
— Thomas Jefferson
Thanks Krisco