Lists

Things I have learned from my children…

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If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate an 42-pound-boy wearing pound-puppy underwear and a superman cape.

It is strong enough, however, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20-by-20-foot room.

Action man can be rotated nicely on a ceiling fan and kids understand the speed/rotation thing enough to place unsuspecting victims in the right chair at the right time to get smacked by Action man.  

Kids will forget that the fan is on and walk through the room throwing something important up as they walk under the fan.  

When you hear the toilet flush and the words “Uh-oh,” it’s already too late.

When you hear the toilet flush and there is dead silence and no sign of the kid emerging from the toilet is also another giveaway that it’s “too late”.  

Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke and lots of it.

A six-year-old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36-year-old man says they can only do it in the movies.

If you use a waterbed as home plate while wearing baseball shoes it does not leak – it explodes.

A king-size waterbed hold enough water to fill a 200-sq-foot house 4 inches deep.

There is a vast assortment of children’s toys that will pass through their digestive tracts.  Also:  buttons, stones, some types of pet food, Legos, and small Star Wars characters.  

McGyver can teach us many things we don’t want to know.

No matter how much Jello you put into a swimming pool, you still can’t walk on water.

Pool filters do not like Jello.

VCRs do not reject PB&J sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.

Always look in the oven before turning it on.

The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earth worms dizzy. It will however make cats dizzy.

Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.

Putting McDonalds in the NEW oven’s warming drawer will produce lots of black smoke in just few minutes and flames high enough to go up the sides of the NEW stove.  

Super glue is forever but the hospital can do a lot to help.

Toasters will explode if you put plastic into them.  Check every electrical appliance before turning it on.  

Even the range hood – people will hide chocolate up there and forget about it.  [I have the feel that the culprit here is the author.]

Cats in the clothes dryer make a terrible noise.  

Cats trapped in the fridge are sad and quite stiff.  

Cats do not like being trapped in the bathroom when someone is showering.  

Never show a cat his reflection in the mirror.  

Never turn a hair dryer on a sleeping cat.  

A cat with its tail on fire is stupid and stinks (same for a dog).  

You can’t tie a homemade parachute to a cat and hope for good things to come from the experiment.  

Cats don’t like being dressed in dolls’ clothes.  

No matter how hard you try, you can never teach a dog to open the door to let himself out.  

Younger brothers make excellent footballs or cannons – they just don’t bounce too well.

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Things I’ve learned…

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I’ve learned….That the best classroom in the world is at the feet of an elderly person.

I’ve learned….That when you’re in love, it shows.

I’ve learned…. That just one person saying to me, ‘You’ve made my day!’ makes my day.

I’ve learned…. That having a child fall asleep in your arms is one of the most peaceful feelings in the world.

I’ve learned…. That being kind is more important than being right.

I’ve learned…. That you should never say no to a gift from a child.

I’ve learned….  That no matter how serious your life requires you to be, everyone needs a friend to act goofy with.

I’ve learned….  That sometimes all a person needs is a hand to hold and a heart to understand.

I’ve learned…. That simple walks with my father or mother around the block on summer nights when I was a child did wonders for me as an adult.

I’ve learned…. That life is like a roll of toilet paper. The closer it gets to the end, the faster it goes.

I’ve learned….  That we should be glad God doesn’t give us everything we ask for.

I’ve learned….  That money doesn’t buy class.

I’ve learned…. That it’s those small daily happenings that make life so spectacular.

I’ve learned…. That under everyone’s hard shell is someone who wants to be appreciated and loved.

I’ve learned…. That to ignore the facts does not change the facts.

I’ve learned…. That when you plan to get even with someone, you are only letting that person continue to hurt you.

I’ve learned…. That love, not time, heals all wounds.

I’ve learned…. That the easiest way for me to grow as a person is to surround myself with people smarter than I am.

I’ve learned…. That every one you meet deserves to be greeted with a smile.

I’ve learned…. That no one is perfect until you fall in love with them.

I’ve learned….  That opportunities are never lost; someone will take the ones you miss.

I’ve learned….  That when you harbor bitterness, happiness will dock elsewhere.

I’ve learned….  That I wish I could have told my Mom that I love her one more time before she passed away.

I’ve learned….  That one should keep his words both soft and tender, because tomorrow he may have to eat them.

I’ve learned…. That a smile is an inexpensive way to improve your looks.

I’ve learned…. That when your newly born grandchild holds your little finger in his little fist, that you’re hooked for life.

I’ve learned…. That everyone wants to live on top of the mountain, but all the happiness and growth occurs while you’re climbing it.

I’ve learned …. That the less time I have to work with, the more things I get done.

Thanks Joe P

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Things change…

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What I Want in a Man

What I Want in a Man (age 21)

1. Handsome
2. Charming
3. Financially successful
4. A caring listener
5. Witty
6. In good shape
7. Dresses with style
8. Appreciates finer things
9. Full of thoughtful surprises
10. An imaginative, romantic lover

What I Want in a Man (age 32)

1. Nice looking
2. Opens car doors, holds chairs
3. Has enough money for a nice dinner
4. Listens more than talks
5. Laughs at my jokes
6. Carries bags of groceries with ease
7. Owns at least one tie
8. Appreciates a good home-cooked meal
9. Remembers birthdays and anniversaries
10. Seeks romance at least once a week

What I Want in a Man (age 43)

1. Not too ugly
2. Doesn’t drive off until I’m in the car
3. Works steady – splurges on dinner out occasionally
4. Nods head when I’m talking
5. Usually remembers punch lines of jokes
6. Is in good enough shape to rearrange the furniture
7. Wears a shirt that covers his stomach
8. Knows not to buy champagne with screw-top lids
9. Remembers to put the toilet seat down
10. Shaves most weekends

What I Want in a Man (age 54)

1. Keeps hair in nose and ears trimmed
2. Doesn’t belch or scratch in public
3. Doesn’t borrow money too often
4. Doesn’t nod off to sleep when I’m venting
5. Doesn’t re-tell the same joke too many times
6. Is in good enough shape to get off couch on weekends
7. Usually wears matching socks and fresh underwear
8. Appreciates a good TV dinner
9. Remembers your name on occasion
10. Shaves some weekends

What I Want in a Man (age 65)

1. Doesn’t scare small children
2. Remembers where bathroom is
3. Doesn’t require much money for upkeep
4. Only snores lightly when asleep
5. Remembers why he’s laughing
6. Is in good enough shape to stand up by himself
7. Usually wears some clothes
8. Likes soft foods
9. Remembers where he left his teeth
10. Remembers that it’s the weekend

What I Want in a Man (age 76)

1. Breathing.
2. Doesn’t miss the toilet.

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What women should tell men…. but don’t

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1. The reason why our bras don’t always match our underwear is because WE actually change our underwear.

2. The next time you and your buddies make jokes about armed women in combat, take a poll to see which of you successfully aim at the toilet rim.

3. If we’re watching football with you – it’s not bonding – it’s their butts.

4. Whenever possible, please try to say whatever you have to say after the movie.

5. Lay off the beans several hours before bedtime.

6. Please don’t drive when you’re not driving.

7. If you were really looking for an honest answer, you wouldn’t ask in bed.

8. The next time you make jokes about female drivers, research the number of accidents caused by rubber-necking mini-skirts.

9. If only women gossip, how do you and your friends keep track of “who’s easy”?

10. Stop telling us most male strippers are gay: we don’t care.

11. When you’re not around, I belch loudly, too.

12. We don’t mind if you look in the mirror to check your appearance – in fact, please do!

13. When you’re out with us, please wear “our” favorite outfit rather than “yours” – the torn jeans and dirty T-Shirt will last longer that way.

14. If you must grunt in reply, please develop a system to indicate a positive vs. a negative grunt.

15. Don’t insist that we “get off the stupid phone” and then not talk to us.

16. Eye contact is best established above our shoulder-level.

17. Cleaning the house is not necessarily “women’s work”; besides, most of the “dirt” and clutter is yours anyway.

18. Yes, we know most of the great chefs are men, why is it then you never want to cook?

19. We go to the Ladies Room in groups to talk about you.

20. Yes, we know you can probably beat us arm wrestling… however, very few raises or promotions were gained by arm wrestling the boss.

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Ever wonder why….

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  1. Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?
  2. Why women can’t put on mascara with their mouth closed?
  3. Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?
  4. Why is “abbreviated” such a long word?
  5. Why is it that doctors call what they do “practice”?
  6. Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on “Start”?
  7. Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
  8. Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
  9. Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
  10. Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?
  11. When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
  12. Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
  13. Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
  14. You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don’t they make the whole plane out of that stuff?!
  15. Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?
  16. Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
  17. If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
  18. If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

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25 things that are not what they seem

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1. A firefly is not a fly – it is a beetle

2. A prairie dog is not a dog – it is a rodent

3. India ink is not from India – it is from China and Egypt

4. A horned toad is not a toad – it is a lizard

5. A lead pencil does not contain lead – it contains graphite

6. A douglas fir is not a fir – it is a pine

7. A silkworm is not a worm – it is a caterpillar

8. A peanut is not a nut – it is a legume

9. A panda bear is not a bear – it is a relative of the raccoon

10. An English horn is not English and it isn’t a horn – it is a French alto oboe

11. A guinea pig is not from guinea and it is not a pig – it is a rodent from South America

12. Shortbread is not a bread – it is a thick cookie

13. Dresden China is not from Dresden – it is from Meissen

14. A shooting star is not a star – it is a metorite

15. A funny bone is not a bone – it is the spot where the ulnar nerve touches the humerus

16. Chop suey is not a native Chinese dish – it was invented by Chinese immigrants in California

17. A bald eagle is not bald – it has flat white feathers on its head and neck when mature, and dark feathers when young

18. A banana tree is not a tree – it is a herb

19. A cucumber is not a vegetable – it is a fruit

20. A jackrabbit is not a rabbit – it is a hare

21. A piece of catgut is not from a cat – it is usually made from sheep intestines

22. A Mexican jumping bean is not a bean – it is a seed with a larva inside

23. A Turkish bath is not Turkish – it is Roman

24. A koala bear is not a bear – it is a marsupial

25. A sweetbread is not a bread – it is the pancreas or thymus gland from a calf or lamb

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LOVEMAKING TIPS FOR SENIORS:

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1. Wear your glasses. Make sure your partner is actually in the bed.

2. Set timer for 3 minutes, in case you doze off in the middle.

3. Set the mood with lighting. (Turn them ALL OFF!)

4. Make sure you put 911 on your speed dial before you begin.

5. Write partner’s name on your hand in case you can’t remember.

6. Keep the polygrip close by so your teeth don’t end up under the bed.

7. Have Tylenol ready in case you actually complete the act.

8. Make all the noise you want. The neighbors are deaf too.

9. If it works, call everyone you know with the good news.

10. Don’t even think about trying it twice.

(This was sent in large type so you can read it.)

Thanks Gene

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For those born in 1989…

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Each year the staff at Beloit College in Wisconsin puts together a list to try to give the faculty a sense of the  mindset of this year’s incoming freshmen. Here’s this year’s list:

The people who are starting college this fall across the nation were born in 1989.

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They are too young to remember the Space Shuttle Challenger blowing up.

Their lifetime has always included AIDS.

Bottle caps have always been screw off and plastic.

The CD was introduced the year they were born.

They have always had an answering machine

They have always had cable.

They cannot fathom not having a remote control.

Jay Leno has always been on the Tonight Show.

Popcorn has always been cooked in the microwave.

They never took a swim and thought about Jaws.

They can’t imagine what hard contact lenses are.

They don’t know who Mork was or where he was from.

They never heard: “Where’s the Beef?”, “I’d walk A mile for a Camel”, or “de plane, Boss, de plane.”

They do not care who shot J. R. And have no idea who J. R. even is.

McDonald’s never came in Styrofoam containers.

They don’t have a clue how to use a typewriter.

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You know you’re from California if…

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1. Your co-worker has 8 body piercings and none are visible.

2. You make over $300,000 and still can’t afford a house.

3. You take a bus and are shocked at two people carrying on a conversation in English.

4. Your child’s 3rd-grade teacher has purple hair, a nose ring, and is named Flower.

5. You can’t remember if is pot illegal.

6. You’ve been to a baby shower that has two mothers and a sperm donor.

7. You have a very strong opinion about where your coffee beans are grown, and you can taste the difference between Sumatran and Ethiopian.

8. You can’t remember is pot illegal?

9. A really great parking space can totally move you to tears.

10. Gas costs $1.00 per gallon more than anywhere else in the U.S.

11. Unlike back home, the guy at 8:30 am at Starbucks wearing a baseball cap and sunglasses who looks like George Clooney… really IS George Clooney.

12. Your car insurance costs as much as your house payment.

13. You can’t remember… is pot illegal?

14. It’s barely sprinkling rain and there’s a report on every news station: “STORM WATCH.”

15. You pass an elementary school playground and the children are all busy with their cells or pagers.

16. It’s barely sprinkling rain outside, so you leave for work an hour early to avoid all the weather-related accidents.

17. HEY!!!! Is pot illegal????

18. Both you AND your dog have therapists.

19. The Terminator is your governor.

20. If you drive illegally, they take your driver’s license. If you’re here illegally, they’ll give you one.

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8 words with two meanings…

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1. THINGY (thing-ee) n.

Female……Any part under a car’s hood.

Male……….The strap fastener on a woman’s bra.

2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.

Female……Fully opening up one’s self emotionally to another.

Male……….Playing football without a cup.

3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shun) n.

Female……The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one’s partner.

Male……….Leaving a note before taking off on a fishing or other kind of trip with the boys.

4. COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n.

Female……A desire to get married and raise a family.

Male……….Trying not to hit on other women while out with this one.

5. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.

Female……A good movie, concert, play or book.

Male……….Anything that can be done while drinking beer.

6. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lents) n.

Female……An embarrassing by-product of indigestion.

Male……….A source of entertainment, self-expression, male bonding.

7. MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.

Female……The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.

Male……….Call it whatever you want just as long as we do it.

8. REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.

Female……A device for changing from one TV channel to another.

Male……….A device for scanning through all 375 channels every 5 minutes.

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