Points to ponder

I especially like number 3.

1. Sharpening a pencil with a knife makes you feel really manly.

2. Triangle sandwiches taste better than square ones.

3. One of the most awkward things that can happen at a bar is when your beer-to-toilet cycle become synchronized with a complete stranger.

4. You’re never quite sure whether it’s okay to eat green potato chips.

5. Everyone who grew up in the 80’s has entered the digits 55378008 into a calculator.

6. Reading when you’re drunk is difficult.

7. Nobody ever makes Cup-O-Soup in a bowl.

8. You never know where to look when eating an apple.

9. It’s impossible to describe the smell of a wet cat.

10. There’s something manly about poking a fire with a stick.

11. Rummaging in an overgrown garden will always turn up some sort of ball.

12. You always feel a bit nervous when stroking horses.

13. The smaller the monkey, the more it looks like it would kill you at the first given opportunity.

14. Every man has, at some stage while taking a pee, flushed half way through and then raced against the flush.

15 It’s impossible to look cool while riding in the back of a pickup truck.

16. Everybody has honked their horn while driving though a tunnel.

17. There’s no panic like the panic you momentarily feel when you’ve got your hand or head stuck in something.

18. No one seems to know the origin of metal coat hangers.

19. Despite constant warnings, no one has ever had their face frozen while sticking out their tongue.

20. Everyone has had an uncle who tried to steal their nose. Or get you to pull their finger.

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Little Known Facts about St. Louis, Missouri (the Gateway City)

Arch1How much do you know about St. Louis, Missouri? Most of us know that St. Louis is called the Gateway to the West and that the Gateway Arch is the world’s tallest (man-made) monument. Another well-known fact is that St. Louis is also home to the world’s largest brewery, Anheuser Busch.  Here’s some other fun facts to learn a little more about our great city.

1.St. Louisans consume more barbecue sauce per capita than any other city in America.

2.   The first lung cancer operation and first lung transplants were performed in St. Louis.

3.The soft drink Dr Pepper was introduced at the 1904 World’s Fair in St. Louis . 7-Up also was invented in St. Louis.

4. St. Louis was the site of the demonic possession treated by a Jesuit priest from St. Louis University Theological that inspired the book, and later the movie, “The Exorcist.”

5. The ice cream cone was invented at the 1904 World’s Fair. So was iced tea. Hot dogs and hamburgers were popularized to a wide audience at the Fair.

6. St. Louis was once the largest shoe-manufacturing center in the world — home of Buster Brown and other famous brands.

7.The largest collection of mosaic art in the world graces the walls and ceilings at the Cathedral Basilica of Saint Louis in the Central West End neighborhood.

8. St. Louis is home to the oldest institution of higher learning west of the Mississippi River – Saint Louis University .

9. Hawken Rifles and Murphy wagons, used by the western pioneers, were made in St. Louis.

10. The cocktails–Planter’s Punch, Martini, Bloody Mary, and Tom Collins–were invented at a St. Louis hotel, the Planter’s House.

11.The custom of placing chocolates on hotel pillows begins here when the actor Cary Grant stayed at the Mayfair and used chocolate to woo a woman friend.

12.The first Jewish congregation west of the Mississippi was founded here as was the first library west of the Mississippi.

13. Famous writers including T.S. Eliot, Maya Angelou, William Gass, Tennessee Williams, Eugene Field and many others were from St. Louis.

14.The Missouri Botanical Garden is among the top three botanical gardens in the world.

15.The first ironclad boat was built by James Buchanan Eads in the Port of St. ! Louis . Eads also invented the diving bell to salvage steamboat wrecks from the Mississippi River and built the first bridge using steel truss construction – the 1874 Eads Bridge.

16. St. Louis offers more free, major visitor attractions than anyplace outside of the nation’s capital, including the Saint Louis Art Museum , Saint Louis Zoo, Cahokia Mounds, Museum of Westward Expansion ,  Missouri History Museum, Anheuser-Busch Brewery, Grant’s Farm and more.

17.The first kindergarten in the U.S. was founded in St. Louis by Susan Blow.

18.Peanut Butter was invented here on a visit from George Carver.

19. Famous musicians including Chuck Berry, Tina Turner, Miles Davis, Albert King, David Sanborn, Michael McDonald, (The Doobie Brothers) were from St. Louis . Missouri native Sheryl Crowe taught school in St. Louis .

20. St. Louis was the first American city to host the Olympic Games (1904).

21. Famous contemporary actors including John Goodman, Kevin Kline and Scott Bakula were born in St. Louis . Other famous actors and entertainers including Josephine Baker, Betty Grable, Vincent Price, Buddy Ebsen, Redd Foxx, Shelly Winters, Virginia Mayo, Marsha Mason and many others also called St. Louis home.

22. The Mercury and Gemini space capsules were built in St. Louis by McDonnell Douglas – now Boeing.

23. The world’s first skyscraper – Louis Sullivan’s Wainwright Building – was built in 1897 in St. Louis .

 24. Charles Lindbergh flew mail routes into St. Louis and named his plane “Spirit of St. Louis” to thank the businessmen who provided financial backing for his solo Atlantic flight in 1927.

25. The nation’s first interstate highway was constructed here.

26.The Gateway Arch – at 630 feet – is the nation’s tallest man-made monument.

27.The Mississippi River runs 2,350 miles from Lake Itasca in Minnesota to the Gulf of Mexico . The word ” Mississippi ” comes from the Anishinabe people (Ojibwe Indians). They called the river “Messipi” which means ” Big River ” The U.S. Army Corps of Engineers maintains a navigation channel nine feet deep in the center of the river.

28. The bread slicer was invented here circa 1900.

29. The 2nd professional fire department in USA was started here in 1850.
( Cincinnati started the first 2 years prior).

30. General Grant & Robert E. Lee both served as new West Point officers at St Louis.

31. Jefferson Barracks still open as reserve base, museums & park, is the second largest military cemetery in the U.S. and was the site of one of the bloodiest battles in the Civil War with 25,000 killed.

Thanks Joe P

Top Ten Reasons Why Golf Is be Better Than Sex

David Letterman’s Top Ten Reasons Why Golf  Is Better Than Sex

#10… A below par performance is considered damn good.

#9… You can stop in the middle and have a cheeseburger and a couple of beers..

#8… It’s much easier to find the sweet spot.

#7… Foursomes are encouraged.

#6… You can still make money doing it as a senior.

#5… Three times a day is possible.

#4… Your partner doesn’t hire a lawyer if you play with someone else.

#3… If you live in Florida, you can do it almost every day.

#2…You don’t have to cuddle with your partner when you’re finished.

And his NUMBER ONE reason why golf may be even better better than sex?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

#1… When your equipment gets old you can replace it!

Thanks Joe P

The 25 Sexiest Things Ever Said by Women

1. “The serpent beguiled me, and I did eat.” —Eve, Genesis 3:13

2. “To err is human—but it feels divine.” —Mae West

3. “We’re so damn conservative all day that when you finally get us in the bedroom, we’re absolute animals.” —Shannen Doherty, on being Republican

4. “Lust is the sin that gets me excited. Luckily, because I’m married, I also get good jewelry out of it.” —Heather Locklear

5. “All I can say is if they show my butt in a movie, it better be a wide shot.” —Jennifer Lopez

6. “I don’t think I have to introduce myself, unless you don’t recognize me with my clothes on.” —Madonna

7. “If you want to turn on your boyfriend, get naked and strap on an accordion.” —Sheryl Crow

8. “It says, ‘Pamela.’ And when he gets excited, it says, ‘I love Pamela very, very much. She’s a wonderful wife, and I enjoy her company to the 10th degree!’ ” —Pamela Anderson, on the tattoo on Tommy Lee’s penis

9. “Most virtue is a demand for greater seduction.” —Natalie Clifford Barney

10. “Only the united beat of sex and heart can create ecstasy.” —Anais Nin

11. “It’s pitch, sex is. Once you touch it, it clings to you.” —Margery Allingham

12. “As a stripper, I was getting a taste of what it would be like to be a woman in a society that honors the animal vitality in us all, instead of despising it.” —Seph Weene

13. “It was like experiencing a nuclear explosion in a very small place.” —Loni Anderson, describing sex with WKRP in Cincinnati costar Gary Sandy

14. “I get such a rush going to the store, standing in front of the condom counter and going through them. I love the gold-coin ones. Every time I undo one, it reminds me of the chocolate candies from my childhood.” —Sandra Bullock

15. “I don’t think being obsessed with sex is any stranger than being obsessed with stamp collecting.” —Annie Sprinkle

16. “I’m very old-fashioned. Occasionally I do wear underwear.” —Sharon Stone

17. “Men ought to become more conscious of their bodies as objects of delight.” —Germaine Greer

18. “A kiss is a lovely trick designed by nature to stop speech when words become superfluous.” —Ingrid Bergman

19. “You wanna know what my tongue feels like?” —Janet Jackson

20. “You see a lot of smart guys with dumb women, but you hardly ever see a smart woman with a dumb guy.” —Erica Jong

21. “Don’t! Ever! Stop! F—ing! Me!” —Kelly Preston, in Jerry Maguire

22. “Is she perverted like me? Would she go down on you in a theater?” —Alanis Morissette

23. “I’m not a prostitute, but I could give you what you want.” —Missy Elliott

24. “When she raises her eyelids, it’s as if she were taking off all her clothes.” —Colette

25. “I like to wake up feeling a new man.” —Jean Harlow

 
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Top Ten most Polite Ways to Say Your Zipper Is Down

Top Ten most Polite Ways to Say Your Zipper Is Down …    by David Letterman

 10. The cucumber has left the salad.

 9. Quasimodo needs to go back in the tower and tend to his bells.

 8. You need to bring your tray table to the upright and locked position.

 7. Paging Mr. Johnson… Paging Mr. Johnson..

 6. Elvis is leaving the building.

 5. The Buick is not all the way in the garage.

 4. Our next guest is someone who needs no introduction.

 3. You’ve got a security breach at Los Pantalones.

 2. Men may be From Mars … but I can see something that rhymes with Venus.

  And the #1 way to tell someone his zipper is unzipped…..

  1. I always knew you were crazy, but now I can see your nuts.

Thanks Joni

You know you are in Arkansas in July when…

The birds have to use potholders to pull worms out of the ground.
The trees are whistling for the dogs.
The best parking place is determined by shade instead of distance.
Hot water now comes out of both taps.
You can make sun tea instantly.
You learn that a seat belt buckle makes a pretty good branding iron.
The temperature drops below 95 and you feel a little chilly.
You discover that in July it only takes 2 fingers to steer your car.
You discover that you can get sunburned through your car window.
You actually burn your hand opening the car door.
You break into a sweat the instant you step outside at 7:30 a.m.
Your biggest bicycle wreck fear is, ‘What if I get knocked out and end up lying on the pavement and cook to death?’
You realize that asphalt has a liquid state.
The potatoes cook underground, so all you have to do is pull one out and add butter, salt and pepper.
Farmers are feeding their chickens crushed ice to keep them from laying boiled eggs.
The cows are giving evaporated milk.

Thanks Betty

Murphy’s other 15 laws

1. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

2. A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.

3. He, who laughs last, thinks slowest.

4. A day without sunshine is like, well . night.

5. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

6. Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don’t.

7. Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.

8. The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there’s a 90% probability you’ll get it wrong.

9. It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end-to-end, someone would be stupid enough to try to pass them.

10. If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.

11. The things that come to those that wait, may be the things left by those, who got there first.

12. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat all day drinking beer.

13. Flashlight: A case for holding dead batteries.

14. The shin bone is a device for finding furniture in the dark.

15. When you go into court, you are putting yourself in the hands of twelve people, who weren’t smart enough to get out of jury duty.

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Ponderisms

1. The nicest thing about the future is that it always starts tomorrow.
2. Money will buy a fine dog, but only kindness will make him wag his tail
.3. If you don’t have a sense of humor, you probably don’t have any sense at all..
4. Seat belts are not as confining as wheelchairs.
5. A good time to keep your mouth shut is when you’re in deep water.
6. How come it takes so little time for a child who is afraid of the dark to become a teenager who wants to stay out all night?
7. Business conventions are important because they demonstrate how many people a company can operate without.
8. Why is it that at class reunions you feel younger than everyone else looks?
9. Scratch a dog and you’ll find a permanent job.
10. No one has more driving ambition than the boy who wants to buy a car.
11. There are no new sins; the old ones just get more publicity.
12. There are worse things than getting a call for a wrong number at 4 AM. It could be a right number.
13. Think about this . No one ever says “It’s only a game” when his team is winning.
14. I’ve reached the age where the happy hour is a nap.
15. Be careful reading the fine print. There’s no way you’re going to like it.
16. The trouble with bucket seats is that not everybody has the same size bucket..
17. Do you realize that in about 40 years, we’ll have thousands of OLD LADIES running around with tattoos? (And RAP music will be the Golden Oldies!)
18. Money can’t buy happiness — but somehow it’s more comfortable to cry in a Corvette than in a Yugo.
19. After a certain age, if you don’t wake up aching in every joint, you are probably dead.

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Dress code for 50 +

Many of us over 50, WAY over 50, or on the way to 50 are quite confused about how we should present ourselves. We’re unsure about the kind of image we are projecting and whether or not we are correct as we try to conform to current fashions.

Despite what you may have seen on the streets, the following combinations DO NOT go together and should be avoided:

1. A nose ring and bifocals

2. Spiked hair and bald spots

3. A pierced tongue and dentures

4. Miniskirts and support hose

5. Ankle bracelets and corn pads

6. Speedo’s and cellulite

7. A belly button ring and a gall bladder surgery scar

8. Unbuttoned disco shirts and a heart monitor

9. Midriff shirts and a midriff bulge

10. Pierced nipples that hang below the waist

11. Bikinis and liver spots

12. Short shorts and varicose veins

13. Inline skates and a walker

And the ultimate ‘Bad Taste’ in fashion ! for the ‘Older folks’…………………

14. Thongs and Depends

Please keep these basic guidelines foremost in your mind when you shop. Life may not be the party we hoped for, but while we are here we might as well dance.

Thanks Ronnie

Hard questions to answer…

1.  If you have sex with a prostitute against her will, is it considered rape or shoplifting?

2.  How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?

3.  Why do you have to ‘put your two cents in’… but it’s only a ‘penny for your thoughts’?  Where’s that extra penny going to?

4.  Once you’re in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?

5.  Why does a round pizza come in a square box?

6.  What disease did cured ham actually have?

7.  How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?

8. Why is it that people say they ’slept like a baby’ when babies wake up like every two hours?

9. If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?

10. Why are you IN a movie, but you’re ON TV?

11. Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?

12. Why do doctors leave the room while you change?  They’re going to see you naked anyway.

13. Why is ‘bra’ singular and ‘panties’ plural?

14. Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?

15. If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him?

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