Lists

32 “Not to imply anything, but I don’t think the kid weighs forty pounds.”
31 “Y’know, looking at her, you’d never guess that Jessica Alba had a baby!”
30 “I sure hope your thighs aren’t gonna stay that flabby forever!”
29 “Well, couldn’t they induce labor? The 25th is the Super Bowl.”
28 “Damn if you ain’t about five pounds away from a surprise visit from that Richard Simmons fella.”
27 “Fred at the office passed a stone the size of a pea. Boy, that’s gotta hurt.”
26 “Whoa! For a minute there, I thought I woke up next to Willard Scott!”
25 “I’m jealous! Why can’t men experience the joy of childbirth?”
24 “Are your ankles supposed to look like that?”
23 “Get your *own* ice cream, Buddha!”
22 “Geez, you’re awfully puffy looking today.”
21 “Got milk?”
20 “Maybe we should name the baby after my secretary, Tawney.”
19 “Man! That rose tattoo on your hip is the size of Madagascar!”
18 “Retaining water? Yeah, like the Hoover Dam retains water.”
17 “Yeah, well you don’t have the guts to pull the trigger, Lardass.”
16 “Sure you’ll get your figure back — we’ll just search 1995 where you left it.”
15 “Keys are on the fridge, honey. I’ll see you at the hospital at half-time.”
14 “Sure, the doctor said you’re eating for two – but he didn’t mean two Orcas.”
13 “Honey — Come show the guys your Brando impression!”
12 “Roseanne, what have you done with my wife?!”
11 “How come you’re so much fatter than the other chicks in Lamaze?”
10 “Sweetheart, where’d you put that Victoria’s Secret catalog?”
9 “What’s the big deal? If you can handle *me* going in, surely you can handle a baby coming out.”
8 “Hey, when you’re finished pukin’ in there, get me a beer, willya?”
7 “Why in the *world* would I want to rub your feet?”
6 “That’s not a bun in the oven — it’s the whole friggin’ bakery!”
5 “You know, now that you mention it, you *are* getting fat and unattractive.”
4 “Oh, this is just great! Now, on top of everything else, child support.”
3 “Yo, Fatass! You’re blocking the TV!”
2 “No, I don’t know where the remote is! Have you looked under your breasts?”
and the Number 1 Fatal Thing to Say to Your Pregnant Wife….
1 “I know today’s your due date, but Larry just got a 10-point buck and that’s a reason to celebrate, too.”

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Law of Mechanical Repair
After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you’ll have to pee.

Law of Gravity
Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

Law of Probability
The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.

Law of Random Numbers
If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal and someone always answers.

Law of the Alibi
If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire.

Variation Law
If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now (works every time).

Law of the Bath
When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.

Law of Close Encounters
The probability of meeting someone you know increases dramatically when you are with someone you don’t want to be seen with.

Law of the Result
When you try to prove to someone that a machine won’t work, it will.

Law of Biomechanics
The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

Law of the Theater
At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrive last.

The Starbucks Law
As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

Murphy’s Law of Lockers
If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.

Law of Physical Surfaces
The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor covering are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet/rug.

Law of Logical Argument
Anything is possible if you don’t know what you are talking about.

Brown’s Law of Physical Appearance
If the shoe fits, it’s ugly.

Oliver’s Law of Public Speaking
A closed mouth gathers no feet.

Wilson’s Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy
As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.

Doctors’ Law
If you don’t feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there you’ll feel better. Don’t make an appointment and you’ll stay sick.

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1. Can I borrow your phone number? I seem to have lost mine.
2. Have I seen you before? Oh yeah! I saw you in the dictionary next to the word KABLAM!!!
3. Baby, you’re so sweet, you put Hershey’s outta business
4. Was your father a thief? ‘Cause someone stole the stars from the sky and put them in your eyes.
5. Can I have your picture so I can show Santa what I want for Christmas?
6. Are your pants from outer space? ‘Cause your butt is out of this world,=.
7. Do you believe in love at first sight, or should I walk by again?
8. Hey, somebody farted. Let’s get out of here.
9. That’s a nice shirt. Can I talk you out of it?
10. Did you fart? ‘Cause you blew me away.
11. Don’t you know me from somewhere?
12. My love for you is like diarrhea – I can’t hold it in
13. Do you have a library card?’Cause I”d like to check you out
14. Crap. Something is wrong with my cell phone. (Oh Really. What is that?) It’s just that your number’s not in it.
15. You’ve got all the curves, and I’ve got all the angles
16. Is there a mirror in your pants? Because I can see myself in them.
17. If you were a booger I would pick you first.
18. You stole my heart. But that’s okay. I have another one at home in the fridge.
19. Hello. Cupid called. He says to tell you that he needs my heart back.
20. Are you a parking ticket? (What?) You’ve got fine written all over you.
21. Does my breath smell okay?
22. Ever since I met you, you’ve lived in my heart without paying any rent.
23. Excuse me, but did you happen to find my Nobel Peace Prize?
24. My magic watch says that you don’t have on any underwear. (She says yes I do) Damn! It must be 15 minutes fast.
25. Screw me if I am wrong, but haven’t we met before?
26. If I received a nickel for every time I saw someone as beautiful as you, I’d have five cents.
27. Do you sleep on your belly at night? If no, can I?
28. If I followed you home, would you keep me?
29. People call me John, but you can call me tonight!
30. Here’s $10. Drink until I am really good looking, then come and talk to me.
31. You turn my software into hardware!
32. (Fall in front of a girl) Wow, I’ve never fallen for a girl like you before.
33. Do you have any raisins? No? How about a date?
34. I must be a snowflake, because I’ve fallen for you.
35. Are you from Tennessee? ‘Cause you’re the only ten I see!
36. Do your legs hurt from running through my dreams all night?
37. I think I need to call heaven because they’ve lost one of their angels.
38. You know what? Your eyes are the same color as my Porsche.
39. Can I even get a fake number?
40. I would say God bless you but it looks like he already did.
41. Damn, I’m glad I’m not blind!
42. If I told you you had a gorgeous body, would you hold it against me?
43. Excuse me can I borrow a quarter, it is an emergency. My mom told me to give her a call the first time I fell in love.
44. I’ll give you a nickel to tickle my pickle!
45. Excuse me, do you have a band-aid? Because I cut my knee when I fell for you.
46. Well here I am. What are your other two wishes?
47. You smell. Let’s shower.
48. Oh baby, you turn my floppy disk into a hard drive.\
49. Are you an alarm clock? ‘Cause you opened my eyes
50. Are you a zoo? Because you bring the animal out in me.
51. Are you a magician? Because ever time I look at you, everyone else disappears.
52. Do you know why I can’t see any stars tonight? You outshine them.
53. Let’s save water. Let’s shower together.
54. My neck hurts, because as soon as you walked by I whipped my head!
55. What pick-up line actually works on you?
56. Did you get those jeans on sale? Because at my house their 100% off.
57. Hi, I’m Fun. I don’t think you’ve had me yet.
58. Are your parents terrorists? Because you’re the bomb.
59. Wanna go behind a rock and get a little boulder?
60. If I follow the rainbow will I get you in the end?
61. Good thing I’m not flammable because you’re smoking hot.
62. Do you like water? (Yes) Then you already like 70 percent of me.
63. If you held six roses in front of a mirror you’d see seven of the most beautiful things in the world.
64. I’m like a clock and you’re the batteries. Without you my world would end!
65. Hey can you please scratch my back? My arms are far too muscular for me to reach.
66. Did you hear the latest health report? You need to up your daily intake of vitamin me.
67. You must be peanut butter because you’re making my legs feel like jelly!
68. Hey my name is John, but you can call me later!
69. Are you religious? (Why?) Because you’re the answer to my prayers.
70. Hershey factories make millions of kisses a day, but I’m asking for only one.
71. I hope you know CPR, because you take my breath away.
72. Let’s play chess. You turn off the light and I’ll make the first move!
73. Can I take your temperature?
74. Excuse me miss, can I have the time? I’d check my watch but I can’t take my eyes off you.
75. That shirt is awful. Take it off now!
76. Baby do you have a license? ‘Cause you’re driving me crazy
77. You’ll do.

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Michael Phelps isn’t like a fish, a fish is like Michael Phelps

Michael Phelps can make water run uphill

Michael Phelps doesn’t breathe, he holds air hostage

Michael Phleps wasn’t born he was hatched

When you say “no one’s perfect”, Michael Phelps takes this as a personal insult

Michael Phelps counted to infinity twice while doing the breast stroke

Michael Phelps can no longer shower because water is afraid of him

When Michael Phelps looks in the mirror nothing appears. There can never be a second Michael Phelps

Bigfoot takes pictures of Michael Phelps

On the Asian market, Michael Phelps’ urine is worth $400 per fluid ounce

Michael Phelps can dribble a football

The Great Wall of China was originally created to keep Michael Phelps out. It failed miserably

When Michael Phelps falls in water, Michael Phelps doesn’t get wet. Water gets Michael Phelpsed

Michael Phelps can divide by zero

When you Google ‘Michael Phelps losing’ you get no results because it just doesn’t happen

Phelps once punched a hole thru a shark just to see down the ocean

If by some incredible space-time paradox, Michael Phelps would ever swim against himself, he’d win. Period.

Phelps doesn’t sweat, he drips chlorine

Michael Phelps recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned beverage. We know this beverage as Red Bull

If at first you don’t succeed, you’re not Michael Phelps

Michael Phelps was what Willis was talkin’ about.

Michael Phelps can eat out a mermaid

Michael Phelps saved Gepetto from the whale

Michael Phelps can swim through ice

Every time Michael Phelps laughs, an undertow kills 3 orphans

When in China, Michael Phelps would order whole chickens but only eat their souls…then do the breast stroke

Rappers no longer wear bling, they wear Michael Phelps

You can find a pot of Phelps at the end of the rainbow

There’s an order to the universe: space, time, Michael Phelps…. Just kidding, Michael Phelps is first every time

People no longer go swimming, they go phelpsing

Contrary to popular belief, Phelps actually parted the Red Sea with his freestyle medley

Water would rather jump to its death than be near Michael Phelps, hence waterfalls

As a child, Phelps didn’t wear water wings, water wings wore Michael Phelps

As polar ice caps continue to melt, humans will begin to evolve to adjust to a world of water. Conclusion: Phelps is from the future

Phelps taught Aquaman how to swim

Hurricane Phelps is a sign of the apocalypse; it makes Katrina look like a muddy puddle

Michael Phelps’ sperm backstrokes

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10. Fail to put forth the effort to complete a task.
9. um… and probably some other stuff.

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10. What’s your company’s policy on severance pay?

9. How long does it take your company’s bureaucracy to get around to firing somebody for poor performance?
8. Do you have a random drug testing policy?

7. Does your company’s life insurance cover suicide?

6. How in depth are your criminal background checks?

5. Does your company’s insurance consider genital herpes a pre-existing condition?

4. How many sick days do you allow each employee before you stop paying them for not being here?

3. Does your insurance cover sex-change operations?

2. Does your internet access have a firewall that blocks pornographic websites?

1. How frequently do your accountants audit petty cash?

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