Lists

Due to the climate of political correctness now pervading America,

Kentuckians, Tennesseans and  West Virginians  will no longer be referred to as’HILLBILLIES.’  You must now refer to them as APPALACHIAN-AMERICANS .

And furthermore…
HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:

1. She is not a ‘BABE’ or a ‘CHICK’ – She is a ‘ BREASTED AMERICAN. ‘

2. She is not ‘EASY’ – She is ‘HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE..’

3. She is not a ‘DUMB BLONDE’ – She is a ‘LIGHT-HAIRED DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY..’

4. She has not ‘BEEN AROUND’ – She is a ‘PREVIOUSLY-ENJOYED COMPANION.’

5. She does not ‘NAG’ you – She becomes ‘ VERBALLY REPETITIVE.’

6. She is not a ‘TWO-BIT HOOKER’ – She is a ‘ LOW COST PROVIDER.’

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:

1. He does not have a ‘BEER GUT’ – He has developed a ‘LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY.’

2. He is not a ‘BAD DANCER’ – He is ‘ OVERLY CAUCASIAN.’

3. He does not ‘GET LOST ALL THE TIME’ – He ‘ INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS.’

4. He is not ‘BALDING’ – He is in ‘FOLLICLE REGRESSION.’

5. He does not act like a ‘TOTAL ASS’ – He develops a case of RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION.’

 6. It’s not his ‘CRACK’ you see hanging out of his pants – It’s ‘TROUSER CLEAVAGE  !’

Thanks Mary M

I posted this a long time ago.  I saw it again at Miss Cellania today and laughed at it again and thought you might also.

Alabama: Yes, We Have Electricity

Alaska: Jeez, it’s cold.

Arizona: But It’s A Dry Heat

Arkansas: Literacy Ain’t Everything

California: By 30, Our Women Have More Plastic Than Your Honda

Colorado: If You Don’t Ski, Don’t Bother

Connecticut: Like Massachusetts, Only The Kennedys Don’t Own It Yet

Delaware: We Really Do Like The Chemicals In Our Water

Florida: Ask Us About Our Grandkids

Georgia: We Put The “Fun” In Fundamentalist Extremism

Hawaii: Haka Tiki Mou Sha’ami Leeki Toru (Death To Mainland Scum, But Leave Your Money)

Idaho: More Than Just Potatoes. Well Okay, Not Really, But The Potatoes Sure Are Real Good

Illinois: Please Don’t Pronounce the “S”

Indiana: 2 Billion Years Tidal Wave Free

Iowa: We Do Amazing Things With Corn

Kansas: First Of The Rectangle States

Kentucky: Five Million People; Fifteen Last Names

Louisiana: We’re Not ALL Drunk Cajun Wackos, But That’s Our Tourism Campaign

Maine: We’re Really Cold, But We Have Cheap Lobster

Maryland: If You Can Dream It, We Can Tax It

Massachusetts: Our Taxes Are Lower Than Sweden’s (For Most Tax Brackets)

Michigan: First Line Of Defense From The Canadians

Minnesota: 10,000 Lakes And 10,000,000,000,000 Mosquitoes

Mississippi: Come And Feel Better About Your Own State

Missouri: Your Federal Flood Relief Tax Dollars At Work

Montana: Land Of The Big Sky, The Unabomber, Right-Wing Crazies, And Very Little Else

Nebraska: Ask About Our State Motto Contest

Nevada: Whores and Poker!

New Hampshire: Go Away And Leave Us Alone

New Jersey: You Want A ##$%##! Motto? I Got Yer ##$%##! Motto Right Here!

New Mexico: Lizards Make Excellent Pets

New York: You Have The Right To Remain Silent, You Have The Right To An Attorney

North Carolina: Tobacco Is A Vegetable

North Dakota: We Really Are One Of The 50 States!

Ohio: Where one of your dad’s friends lives

Oklahoma: Like The Play, Only No Singing

Oregon: Spotted Owl – It’s What’s For Dinner

Pennsylvania: Cook With Coal

Rhode Island: We’re Not REALLY An Island

South Carolina: Remember The Civil War? We Didn’t Actually Surrender

South Dakota: Closer Than North Dakota

Tennessee: The Educashun State

Texas: Si’ Hablo Ing’les (Yes, I Speak English)

Utah: Our Jesus Is Better Than Your Jesus

Vermont: Yep

Virginia: Who Says Government Stiffs And Slackjaw Yokels Don’t Mix?

Washington: Help! We’re Overrun By Nerds And Slackers!

Washington, D.C.: Wanna Be Mayor?

West Virginia: One Big Happy Family – Really!

Wisconsin: Come Cut The Cheese

Wisconsin: Come Smell our Dairy Air

Wyoming: Where Men Are Men (And The Sheep Are Scared)

In this time of giving thanks for the good people in your life, lets take a look at the rest of the people… the people you have to think twice about.  You know who I mean.  You’ll probably be sharing turkey with some of them today.

1. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time… I know where my watch is pal, where the hell is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the toilet is?

2 People who are willing to get off their ass to search the entire room for the T.V… remote because they refuse to walk to the T.V. and change the channel manually.

3 When people say ‘Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too’. Damn right! What good is cake if you can’t eat it?

4 When people say ‘it’s always the last place you look’. Of course it is. Why the hell would you keep looking after you’ve found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they? Gonna Kick their asses!

5 When people say while watching a film ‘did you see that?’. No Loser, I paid $12 to come to the cinema and stare at the damn floor.

6 People who ask ‘Can I ask you a question?’…. Didn’t really give me a choice there, did ya sunshine?

7. When something is ‘new and improved!’. Which is it? If it’s new, then there has never been anything before it. If it’s an improvement, then there must have been something before it, couldn’t be new.

8 When people say ‘life is short’. What the hell?? Life is the longest damn thing anyone ever does!! What can you do that’s longer?

9 When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks ‘Has the bus come yet?’. If the bus came would I be standing here?

Thanks Tony M

Conspiracy theorists take note…

This warehouse contains all sorts of things that were shown on TV and in the movies, that were indicated fell into government hands and were never heard from again. Also included are things that some folks claim have existed for years (like the 100 MPG carburetor) that the Government has decided to hide away somewhere. 

Here are just a few of the 500 things in the warehouse:

• 100 MPG Carburetor
• Engine that runs on tap water
• The dead aliens from a crippled UFO the gov’t captured.
• H.G. Wells’ working time machine from “Time After Time”
• The dinosaur skull with a bullet hole in it
• the Ghostbusters’ proton packs
• An authorization for the assassination of Norma Jean Baker. It is signed by President John F. Kennedy and is dated 4 August 1962
• A gun recovered from a grassy knoll in Dallas, Texas by CIA agents on 22 November 1963
• A large stone tablet, reconstructed from pieces, with writing on it. It is Hebrew and has Commandments 11 through 17
• Papers showing that professional wrestling is real
• One red riding hood, slightly bloody
• Proof that President Bush chose Quayle as his running mate to prevent future assassination attempts
• A blackboard with equations that prove that time *is* money
• The squadren of jet powered Spruce Geese
• Amelia Earhart’s flight jacket
• The Terminator’s arm
• Beethoven’s Eleventh Symphony
• A tight-fitting blue costume with a big red “S” on the chest
• The center of a tootsie roll pop
• The Heart of Gold
• The “magic gun” that fired the “magic bullet” that killed JFK
• A searchlight with the sillouette of a bat on it
• The “sets and costumes” that were used to film the Apollo Moon Landing
• The FBI and CIA files detailing the Career of “Special Agent Elvis”
• A mountain of letters addressed to Santa Claus
• One kite, string, and key that are scorched
• In a corner a Zoltar Fortune Telling Machine
• Yoko Ono’s talent
• Michael Jackson’s original nose
• The original blueprints for building the Great Pyramid of Egypt
• A telephone book for the Planet Mars
• The original magnifying glass used by Sherlock Holmes
• A bottle of smoke from the Chicago Fire
• The real contents of Al Capone’s Vault
• A bottle of the “andromedia strain” Virus
• The bones of the Loch Ness Monster
• Snake Plisken’s death certificate
• The Blob… in a large freezer of course
• Used hypodermic needle; once injected a miniaturized submarine into a neck
• Copy of hostage-withholding agreement between Bush and the Ayatollah
• Captain Hook’s hand
• The recipie for Macdonald’s secret sauce
• 1000 mint-condition WWII army Jeeps, to be sold for $50 each
• The hover-skateboard from BTTF2
• A complete transcription and dates and times for all of Nosatradamus’s prophecies!
• The REAL McCarthy list, before the politicain’s saw it
• The missing 80 points of Dan Quayle’s IQ
• Every taxicab in the Metropolitan New York area (only while it’s raining)
• A grafitti-free subway car
• A calendar containing a month made up entirely of Sundays
• “That Loving Feeling”
• Everything ever lost in the Bermuda Triangle
• Political ethics
• God’s pair of dice
• One human skeleton, found in casket, with a wooden stake inserted into the ribcage
• Several spare self-destructing tape recorders
• Millions of Pet Rocks (everybody bought one, nobody has one now, they have to be SOMEWHERE!)
• Hundreds of millions of dirty socks, each tagged with the time, date and location of the laundry in which they disappeared
• The location of Car 54
• Frankenstein’s Monster
• A passenger pigeon (became extinct in the late 19th century)
• A pair of shoes with a tag saying, “Found near Abbey Road”

The complete list

Thanks Isiah

(10) Your annual breast exam is done at Hooters.

(9) Directions to your doctor’s office include “Take a left when you enter the trailer park.”

(8) The tongue depressors taste faintly of Fudgesicles.

(7) The only proctologist in the plan is “Gus” from Roto-Rooter.

(6) The only item listed under Preventative Care Coverage is “an apple a day.”

(5) Your primary care physician is wearing the pants you gave to Goodwill last month.

(4) “The patient is responsible for 200% of out-of-network charges,” is not a typographical error.

(3) The only expense covered 100% is “embalming.”

(2) Your Prozac comes in different colors with little M’s on them.

AND THE NUMBER ONE SIGN

(1) You ask for Viagra, and they give you a Popsicle stick and duct tape

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