Language

Not the 2009 MENSA Invitational

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The following is attributed to the Washington Post.  I did some research and neither the Washington Post, Mensa, nor Snopes has anything on this that I could find.  I found the same list elsewhere but titled 2005 winners, so it’s been floating around a while.  It’s funny none-the-less.  I posted the first part of this list in April of 2008.  Here it is again:

The Washington Post’s Mensa invitational once again asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition. Here are the 2009 winners:

1.  Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period of time.
2.  Ignoranus : A person who’s both stupid and an asshole.
3.  Intaxication : Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.
4.  Reintarnation : Coming back to life as a hillbilly.
5.  Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.
6.  Foreploy : Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.
7.  Giraffiti : Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.
8.  Sarchasm : The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn’t get it.
9.  Inoculatte : To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
10. Osteopornosis : A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)
11. Karmageddon : It’s like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it’s like, a serious bummer.
12. Decafalon (n.): The gruelling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.
13. Glibido : All talk and no action.
14. Dopeler Effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.
15. Arachnoleptic Fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you’ve accidentally walked through a spider web.
16. Beelzebug (n.) : Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your n  bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.
17. Caterpallor ( n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you’re eating.

The Washington Post has also published the winning submissions to its yearly contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for common words. And the winners are:

1. Coffee , n. The person upon whom one coughs.
2. Flabbergasted , adj. Appalled by discovering how much weight one has gained.
3. Abdicate , v. To give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
4. Esplanade , v. To attempt an explanation while drunk.
5. Willy-nilly , adj. Impotent.
6. Negligent , adj. Absentmindedly answering the door when wearing only a nightgown.
7. Lymph , v. To walk with a lisp.
8. Gargoyle , n. Olive-flavored mouthwash.
9. Flatulence , n. Emergency vehicle that picks up someone who has been run over by a steamroller.
10. Balderdash , n. A rapidly receding hairline.
11. Testicle , n. A humorous question on an exam..
12. Rectitude , n. The formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.
13. Pokemon , n.. A Rastafarian proctologist.
14. Oyster , n. A person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.
15. Frisbeetarianism , n. The belief that, after death, the soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.
16. Circumvent , n. An opening in the front of jockey shorts worn by Jewish men.

Thanks Gene

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Amazing sentence

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The person who invented this sentence is either a Vocabulary GENIUS or is absolutely JOBLESS.

Why?

You’ll soon find out !!!

Read the sentence below carefully…

“I do not know where family doctors acquired illegibly perplexing handwriting nevertheless, extraordinary pharmaceutical intellectuality counterbalancing indecipherability, transcendentalizes intercommunications incomprehensibleness”.

This is a sentence where the Nth word is N letters long.

e.g. 3rd word is 3 letters long, 8th word is 8 letters long and so on.

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Creative Puns for Smart Minds

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This is right down Scott’s alley.

1. The roundest knight at King Arthur’s Round Table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.

2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.

3. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.

4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated in an algebra class, because it was a weapon of math disruption.

5. The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.

6. No matter how much you push the envelope, it’ll still be stationery.

7. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

8. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

9. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

11. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.

12. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

13. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other, “You stay here, I’ll go on a head.”

14. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.

15. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said, “Keep off the Grass.”

16. A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said, “No change yet.”

17. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

19. The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

20. The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

21 A backward poet writes inverse.

22. In a democracy, it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism, it’s your count that votes.

23. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.

24. Don’t join dangerous cults, practice safe sects!

Thanks Bryant

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Things you never knew had names

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1. AGLET – The plain or ornamental covering on the end of a shoelace.
2. ARMSAYE – The armhole in clothing.
3. CHANKING – Spat-out food, such as rinds or pits.
4. COLUMELLA NASI – The bottom part of the nose between the nostrils.
5. DRAGÉES – Small beadlike pieces of candy, usually silver-coloured, used for decorating cookies, cakes and sundaes.
6. FEAT – A dangling curl of hair.
7. FERRULE – The metal band on a pencil that holds the eraser in place.
8. HARP – The small metal hoop that supports a lampshade.
9. HEMIDEMISEMIQUAVER – A 64th note. (A 32nd is a demisemiquaver, and a 16th note is a semiquaver.)
10. JARNS,
11. NITTLES,
12. GRAWLIX,
13. and QUIMP – Various squiggles used to denote cussing in comic books.
14. KEEPER – The loop on a belt that keeps the end in place after it has passed through the buckle.
15. KICK or PUNT – The indentation at the bottom of some wine bottles. It gives added strength to the bottle but lessens its holding capacity.
16. LIRIPIPE – The long tail on a graduate’s academic hood.
17. MINIMUS – The little finger or toe.
18. NEF – An ornamental stand in the shape of a ship.
19. OBDORMITION – The numbness caused by pressure on a nerve; when a limb is ‘asleep’.
20. OCTOTHORPE – The symbol ‘#’ on a telephone handset. Bell Labs’ engineer Don Macpherson created the word in the 1960s by combining octo-, as in eight, with the name of one of his favourite athletes, 1912 Olympic decathlon champion Jim Thorpe.
21. OPHRYON – The space between the eyebrows on a line with the top of the eye sockets.
22. PEEN – The end of a hammer head opposite the striking face.
23. PHOSPHENES – The lights you see when you close your eyes hard. Technically the luminous impressions are due to the excitation of the retina caused by pressure on the eyeball.
24. PURLICUE – The space between the thumb and extended forefinger.
25. RASCETA – Creases on the inside of the wrist.
26. ROWEL – The revolving star on the back of a cowboy’s spurs.
27. SADDLE – The rounded part on the top of a matchbook.
28. SCROOP – The rustle of silk.
29. SNORKEL BOX – A mailbox with a protruding receiver to allow people to deposit mail without leaving their cars.
30. SPRAINTS – Otter dung.
31. TANG – The projecting prong on a tool or instrument.
32. WAMBLE – Stomach rumbling.
33. ZARF – A holder for a handleless coffee cup.

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Creative puns

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 1. The roundest knight at King Arthur’s round table was Sir Cumference.  He acquired his size from too much pi.
 
 2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.
 
 3. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.
 
 4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated in an algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.
 
 5. The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.
 
 6. No matter how much you push the envelope, it’ll still be stationery.
 
 7. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.
 
 8. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
 
 9. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
 
10. Time flies like an arrow.  Fruit flies like a banana.
 
11. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.
 
12. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
 
13. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other, ‘You stay here; I’ll go on a head.’
 
14. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger.. Then it hit me.
 
15. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: ‘Keep off the Grass.’
 
16. A 20 small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said, ‘No change yet.’
 
17. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
 
18. The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
 
19. The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.
 
20. A backward poet writes inverse.
 
21. In democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.
 
22. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.
 
23. Don’t join dangerous cults: Practice safe sects!

Thanks Gene

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Double negatives

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A linguistics professor was lecturing to his class one day. “In English,” he said, “A double negative forms a positive. In some languages, though, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative.”

A voice from the back of the room piped up, “Yeah, right.”

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