A tutor who tooted a flute
Tried to teach two young tooters to toot.
Said the two to the tutor,
“Is it harder to toot, or
To tutor two tutors to toot?”
Language
Why English is so hard to learn
1) The bandage was wound around the wound.
2) The farm was used to produce produce.
3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.
4) We must polish the Polish furniture.
5) He could lead if he would get the lead out.
6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.
7) Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.
8) A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.
9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.
10) I did not object to the object.
11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.
13) They were too close to the door to close it.
14) The buck does funny things when the does are present.
15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.
16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail.
18) After a number of injections my jaw got number.
19) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.
20) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.
21) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?
Why proper English matters
On his 74th birthday, a man got a gift certificate from his wife.
The certificate paid for a visit to a medicine man living on a nearby reservation who was rumored to have a wonderful cure for erectile dysfunction. After being persuaded, he drove to the reservation, handed his ticket to the medicine man and wondered what he was in for.
The certificate paid for a visit to a medicine man living on a nearby reservation who was rumored to have a wonderful cure for erectile dysfunction. After being persuaded, he drove to the reservation, handed his ticket to the medicine man and wondered what he was in for.
The medicine man slowly, methodically, produced a potion, handed it to him, and with a grip on his shoulder, warned, “This is powerful medicine and it must be respected. You take only a teaspoonful and then say ‘1-2-3’. When you do that, you will become more manly than you have ever been in your life and you can perform as long as you want.”
The man was encouraged. As he walked away, he turned to the medicine man and asked, “How do I stop the medicine from working?”
“Your partner must say ‘1-2-3-4,'” he responded. “But when she does, the medicine will not work again until the next full moon.”
He was very eager to see if it worked so he went home, showered, shaved, took a spoonful of the medicine, and then invited his wife to join him in the bedroom. When she came in, he took off his clothes and said, “1-2-3!”
Immediately, he was the manliest of men. His wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes. And then she asked, “What was the 1-2-3 for?”
And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with a preposition.
OR ONE COULD END UP WITH A DANGLING PARTICIPLE!!
Thanks Strega
Misnomers
A misnomer is a term which suggests an interpretation that is known to be untrue. Here are a few examples:
- An inchworm is neither an inch long, nor a worm.
- Greenland is icy and Iceland is greener)
- Panama hats are not made in Panama, but Ecuador
- The “lead” in pencils is made of graphite and clay, not lead
- Northwestern University is in northeastern Illinois, a midwestern state.
- “Tin foil” is almost always actually aluminum.
- Catgut is made from sheep intestines.
- The Hundred Years’ War did not last for 100 years but 116.
- Head cheese is actually a meat product.
- “Horny toads” or “horned frogs” are actually lizards.
- Though a starfish is star-shaped, as the name suggests, it is not a fish.
- An inchworm is neither an inch long, nor a worm.
- The titmouse is a bird, not a mouse.
- Jellyfish are not fish.
- The Washington Redskins play in Landover, Maryland.
- The New York Jets and New York Giants play in East Rutherford, New Jersey.
- Scotland Yard is located in England.
- The “funny bone” is not a bone — the phrase instead refers to the ulnar nerve.
- During its peak, rush hour often lasts more than an hour, with very little, if any, movement.
- A parkway is a type of street or road where parking is generally prohibited.
- A residential driveway is intended for parking.
Translation party
You take a common English phrase then translate it over and over in Japanese. You get funny results.
Let’s try it….
No pun in ten did
It is said that the ability to make and understand PUNS is the highest level of language development. Here are the top 10 winners in the International Pun Contest.
1. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The Stewardess looks at him and says, ‘I’m sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger.
2. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says, ‘Dam!’
3. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly, it sank, proving once again that you can’t have your kayak and heat it, too.
4. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, ‘I’ve lost my electron.’ The other says, ‘Are you sure?’ The first replies, ‘Yes, I’m positive.’
5. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.
6. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. But why they asked, as they moved off. ‘Because,’ he said, ‘I can’t stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer.’
7. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named Ahmal. The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him Juan. Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, ‘They’re twins! If you’ve seen Juan, you’ve seen Ahmal.’
8. A group of friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to ‘persuade’ them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he’d be back if they didn’t close up shop. Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that only Hugh can prevent florist friars.
9. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and, with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him (Oh, man, this is SO BAD, it’s good) a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
10. And, finally, there was the person who posted ten different puns, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make his readers laugh. No pun in ten did.
Thanks Tommy Salami