Internet

From startlingly ignorant PC questions to appalling displays of sexual confusion, people have some pretty strange problems–and the depth of their cluelessness is nowhere more evident than on the pages of Yahoo Answers.

1. Backward thinking: “I sold my only car to help pay for gas money, but now gas has come down in price. How do I get my car back?” 
   I tried to contact this guy, but it turns out that he also sold his computer to help pay for his Internet connection.

2. It’s caps-lock – capisce?: “HOW DO I TURN OFF CAPSLOCK? I ACCIDENTALLY TURNED IT ON YESTERDAY AND I DONT KNOW HOW TO TURN IT BACK OFF.”
   Note to self: Register howtoturnoffcapslock.com; make millions.

3. Credit Crunch: “I wanted to see if my computer would read my credit card so i put it in the cd rom and it got stuck, how do i get it out?? I tryed toothpics but lost them in the process?? also the drive is making noises”
   Oh, that’s normal. Your system is just waiting for you to pay the required $1 processing fee for scanning the card. Simply fold a greenback into a tiny square and insert it into any USB port.

4. Mousin Around:  “My mouse stop working every time i lift it up from the table why is this? this is not just OS .i have linux and vista both same thing so its not drivers”
   Yeah, no big deal there, either: Insert your credit card into the CD-ROM drive and tell your computer–slowly and distinctly–that you need the Air Mouse 3000 upgrade. You’ll be good in no time.

5. Technical Dificulties: “I’ve been asked to write an application in my own handwriting….? is there a computer programme that will do this for me? they also want original ideas. do you know any?”
   This reminds me of a letter to the editor I once read years ago: “Are there any undiscovered islands left in the world?” The response: “Not that we know of.”

6. It’s all in the details:  “I have an assignment about computer.. What is unimportant details about computer?”
   Wait a minute–does this assignment also require original ideas?

7. Unknown nuptials:  “Am i married in any state? have i been divorced?”
   I’ll take “questions asked after a night in Vegas” for $500, Alex.

8. A sticky subject: “Where can i buy a really big jar of peanut butter?”
   If this is from the same guy who asked the previous question, I’m getting concerned.

9. Fruit frets: “I have ate two whole tangerines in about two hours what will happen to me?”
   That all depends on whether you swallowed any seeds. If you did, be very careful not to eat any dirt or drink any water for the next two weeks.

10. Fat chance: “How do i become obese fast? I want to look good by the end of the year.”
    You can start by eating two tangerines in two hours. Then run around in circles until you figure out what “obese” means.

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