.Funny

Politically correct speech

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Due to the climate of political correctness now pervading America, Kentuckians, Tennesseans and West Virginians will no longer be referred to as “HILLBILLIES.”   You must now refer to them as   APPALACHIAN-AMERICANS .
 
(or topographically, genetically & synaptically challenged – Americans)

And furthermore:

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:

1. She is not a “BABE” or a “CHICK” – She is a  ” BREASTED AMERICAN.”

2. She is not “EASY” – She is  “HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE.”

3. She is not a “DUMB BLONDE” – She is a  “LIGHT-HAIRED DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY.”

4. She has not “BEEN AROUND” – She is a  “PREVIOUSLY-ENJOYED COMPANION.”

5. She does not “NAG” you – She becomes  ” VERBALLY REPETITIVE.”

6. She is not a “TWO-BIT HOOKER” – She is a  ” LOW COST PROVIDER.”

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:

1. He does not have a “BEER GUT” – He has developed a “LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY.”

2. He is not a “BAD DANCER” – He is  ” OVERLY CAUCASIAN.”

3. He does not “GET LOST ALL THE TIME” – He ” INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS.”

4. He is not “BALDING” – He is in  “FOLLICLE REGRESSION.”

5. He does not act like a “TOTAL ASS” – He develops a case of “RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION.”

6. It’s not his “CRACK” you see hanging out of his pants – It’s “REAR CLEAVAGE.” 

Thanks Gene

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Why dogs bite their owners

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Lion dog
Roar…

Cow dog
How now spotted cow.

Cat dog
Bunny…

Thanks Gene

Update:  I  wasn’t sure what the last one was.  But once you guys let me know it was a bunny, I realized you were right.  Thanks!

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Southernisms

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Only a Southerner knows the difference between a hissie fit and a conniption fit , and that you don’t ‘HAVE’ them, you ‘PITCH’ them.
 
Only a Southerner knows how many fish, collard greens, turnip greens, peas, beans, etc., make up ‘a mess.’
 
Only a Southerner can show or point out to you the general direction of ‘yonder.’
 
Only a Southerner knows exactly how long ‘directly’ is, as in: ‘Going to town, be back directly.’
 
Even Southern babies know that ‘Gimme some sugar’ is not a request for the white, granular sweet substance that sits in a pretty little bowl in the middle of the table.
 
All Southerners know exactly when ‘by and by’ is. They might not use the term, but they know the concept well.
 
Only a Southerner knows instinctively that the best gesture of solace for a neighbor who’s got trouble is a plate of hot fried chicken and a big bowl of cold potato salad. If the neighbor’s trouble is a real crisis, they also know to add a large banana puddin!
 
Only Southerners grow up knowing the difference between ‘right near’ and ‘a right far piece.’ They also know that ‘just down the road’ can be 1 mile or 20 
 
Only a Southerner, both knows and understands, the difference between a redneck, a good ol’ boy, and po’ white trash.
 
No true Southerner would ever assume that the car with the flashing turn signal is actually going to make a turn.
 
A Southerner knows that ‘fixin’ can be used as a noun, a verb, or an adverb.

Only Southerners make friends while standing in lines, … and when we’re ‘in line,’… we talk to everybody!

Put 100 Southerners in a room and half of them will discover they’re related, even if only by marriage. 
 
In the South, y’all is singular, all y’all is plural.
 
Southerners know grits come from corn and how to eat them.
 
Every Southerner knows tomatoes with eggs, bacon, grits, and coffee are perfectly wonderful; that red eye gravy is also a breakfast food; and that fried green tomatoes are not a breakfast food.
 
When you hear someone say, ‘Well, I caught myself lookin’,’ you know you are in the presence of a genuine Southerner!

Only true Southerners say ‘sweet tea’ and ‘sweet milk.’ Sweet tea indicates the need for sugar and lots of it — we do not like our tea unsweetened. ‘Sweet milk’ means you don’t want buttermilk.
 
And a true Southerner knows you don’t scream obscenities at little old ladies who drive 30 MPH on the freeway. You just say ,’Bless her heart’ …and go your own way.

To those of you who are still a little embarrassed by your Southerness: Take two tent revivals and a dose of sausage gravy and call me in the morning.   Bless your heart!

Thanks Gene

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