Aging
Signs your grandparents are still sexually active
# Pair of edible Depends found on bedroom floor.
# Lately, at night, they put their teeth in the same glass.
# Grandpa grabs his crotch and complains loudly of “denture-burn.”
# Not only do you hear the bed squeaking, but also joints.
# Granny found cuffed to her walker.
# Grandmother starts baking Viagra-chip cookies.
# Your “Grandma” is Anna Nicole Smith.
# You’ve just seen the photos in the “Beaver Hunt” section of Hustler.
# Grandma regularly looks at Grandpa’s crotch and claps twice.
# Kraft-matic Adjustable Bed set for “doggy style.”
Cash For Codgers
Democrats, realizing the success of the President’s “Cash For Clunkers” rebate program, have now revamped a major portion of their National Health Care Plan. President Obama, Speaker Pelosi, and Sen. Reed are expected to make this major announcement at a joint news conference later this week. I have obtained an advanced copy of the proposal which
is named…
“CASH FOR CODGERS” and it works like this:
Couples wishing to access health care funds in order to pay for the delivery of a child will be required to turn in one old person. The amount the government grants them will be fixed according to a sliding scale. Older and more prescription-dependent codgers will garner the highest amounts.
Special “bonuses” will be paid for those submitting codgers in targeted groups, such as smokers, alcohol drinkers, persons 10-pounds over their government-prescribed weight, and any member of the Republican Party is always good for a double coupon rebate.
Even larger “bonuses” will be given for codgers who consume alcohol, beef, soda, fried foods, potato chips, lattes, whole milk, dairy products, bacon, Brussels sprouts, or Girl Scout Cookies.
All codgers will be rendered totally useless by means of a toxic injection. This will insure that they are not secretly resold or their body parts harvested to keep any other old codgers in repair.
Better keep an eye on your kids, or your friends, they may be looking at you as a trade-in.
Thanks Gene
At the nursing home…
Harold is 95 and lives in a Senior Citizen Home. Every night after dinner, Harold goes to a secluded garden behind the Center to sit and ponder his accomplishments and long life.
One evening, Mildred, age 87, wanders into the garden. They begin to chat and before they know it, several hours have passed. After a short lull in their conversation, Harold turns to Mildred and asks, ‘Do you know what I miss most of all?’
She asks, ‘What?’
‘Sex!!’ he replies
Mildred exclaims, ‘Why you old fart. You couldn’t get it up if I held a gun to your head!’
‘I know,’ Harold says, ‘but it would be nice if a woman could just hold it for a while.’
Well, I can oblige,’ says Mildred, who unzips his trousers, removes his manhood and proceeds to hold it. Afterward, they agree to meet secretly each night in the garden where they would sit and talk and Mildred would hold Harold’s manhood.
Then one night Harold didn’t show up at their usual meeting place.
Alarmed, Mildred decided to find Harold and make sure he was O.K.
She walked around the Senior Citizen Home where she found him sitting by the pool with Ethel, another female resident, who was holding Harold’s manhood!
Furious, Mildred yelled, ‘You two-timing son of a bitch! What does Ethel have that I don’t have?’
Old Harold smiled happily and replied, ‘Parkinson’s…’
Things you don’t hear anymore
Be sure to refill the ice trays, we’re going to have company.
Watch for the postman, I want to get this letter to Willie in the mail today
Quit slamming the screen door when you go out !
Be sure and pull the windows down when you leave, it looks like a shower is coming up.
Don’t forget to wind the clock before you go to bed.
Wash your feet before you go to bed, you’ve been playing outside all day barefooted.
Why can’t you remember to roll up your britches legs? Getting them caught in the bicycle Chain so many times is tearing them up.
You have torn the knees out of that pair of pants so many times there is nothing left to put a patch on.
Don’t you go outside with your school clothes on!
Go comb your hair; it looks like the rats have nested in it all night.
Be sure and pour the cream off the top of the milk when you open the new bottle.
Take that empty bottle to the store with you so you won’t have to pay a deposit on another one.
Put a dish towel over the cake so the flies won’t get on it.
Quit jumping on the floor! I have a cake in the oven and you are going to make it fall if you don’t quit!
Let me know when the Fuller Brush man comes by, I need to get a few things from him.
You boys stay close by, the car may not start and I will need you to help push it off.
There’s a dollar in my purse, get 5 gallons of gas when you go to town.
Open the back door and see if we can get a breeze through here, it is getting hot.
You can walk to the store; it won’t hurt you to get some exercise.
Don’t sit too close to the TV. It is hard on your eyes.
If you pull that stunt again, I am going to wear you out!
Don’t lose that button; I’ll sew it back on after awhile.
Wash under your neck before you come to the table, you have beads of dirt and sweat all under there.
Get out from under the sewing machine; pumping it messes up the thread!
Be sure and fill the lamps this morning so we don’t have to do that tonight in the dark.
Here, take this old magazine to the toilet with you when you go, we are almost out of paper out there.
Go out to the well and draw a bucket of water so I can wash dishes.
Don’t turn the radio on now, I want the battery to be up when the Grand Ole Opry comes on.
No! I don’t have 10 cents for you to go to the show. Do you think money grows on trees?
Eat those turnips, they’ll make you big and strong like your daddy.
That dog is NOT coming in this house! I don’t care how cold it is out there, dogs don’t stay in the house.
Sit still! I’m trying to get your hair cut straight and you keep moving and it is all messed up.
Hush your mouth! I don’t want to hear words like that! I’ll wash your mouth out with soap!
It is time for your system to be cleaned out. I am going to give you a dose of castor oil tonight.
If you get a spanking in school and I find out about it, you’ll get another one when you get home.
Quit crossing your eyes! They will get stuck that way!
Soak your foot in this pan of kerosene so that bad cut won’t get infected.
When you take your driving test, don’t forget to signal each turn. Left arm straight out the window for a left turn; left arm bent up at the elbow for a right turn; and straight down to the side of the door when you are going to stop.
It’s: ‘Yes Ma’am!’ and ‘No Ma’am!’ to me, young man, and don’t you forget it!
Thanks Gene
How’s this for nostalgia?
Do you remember….
- All the girls had ugly gym uniforms?
- It took five minutes for the TV to warm up?
- Nearly everyone’s Mom was at home when the kids got home from school?
- Nobody owned a purebred dog?
- When a quarter was a decent allowance?
- You’d reach into a muddy gutter for a penny?
- Your Mom wore nylons that came in two pieces?
- All your male teachers wore neckties and female teachers had their hair done every day and wore high heels?
- You got your windshield cleaned, oil checked, and gas pumped, without asking, all for free, every time? And you didn’t pay for air? And, you got trading stamps to boot?
- Laundry detergent had free glasses, dishes or towels hidden inside the box?
- It was considered a great privilege to be taken out to dinner at a real restaurant with your parents?
- They threatened to keep kids back a grade if they failed. And they did it!
- When a 57 Chevy was everyone’s dream car…to cruise, peel out, lay rubber or watch submarine races, and people went steady?
- No one ever asked where the car keys were because they were always in the car, in the ignition, and the doors were never locked?
- Lying on your back in the grass with your friends? …. and saying things like, ‘That cloud looks like a… ‘?
- Playing baseball with no adults to help kids with the rules of the game?
- Stuff from the store came without safety caps and hermetic seals because no one had yet tried to poison a perfect stranger?
- And with all our progress, don’t you just wish, just once, you could slip back in time and savor the slower pace, and share it with the children of today.
- When being sent to the principals office was nothing compared to the fate that awaited the student at home.
- Basically we were in fear for our lives, but it wasn’t because of drive-by shootings, drugs, gangs, etc. Our parents and grandparents were a much bigger threat! But we survived because their love was greater than the threat.. .as well as summers filled with bike rides, baseball games, Hula Hoops, bowling and visits to the pool, and eating Kool-Aid powder with sugar.
Didn’t that feel good, just to go back and say, ‘Yeah, I remember that’?
How Many Of These Do You Remember?
- Candy cigarettes
- Wax Coke-shaped bottles with colored sugar water inside.
- Soda pop machines that dispensed glass bottles.
- Coffee shops with Table Side Jukeboxes.
- Blackjack, Clove and Teaberry chewing gum.
- Home milk delivery in glass bottles with cardboard stoppers.
- Newsreels before the movie.
- P.F. Fliers.
- Telephone numbers with a word prefix…(Raymond 4-601).
- Party lines.
- Peashooters.
- Howdy Dowdy.
- Hi-Fi’s & 45 RPM records.
- 78 RPM records!
- Green Stamps.
- Mimeograph paper.
- The Fort Apache Play Set.
- Nancy Drew
- The Hardy Boys
- Laurel and Hardy
- Howdy Doody
- The Peanut Gallery
- The Lone Ranger
- The Shadow Knows
- Nellie Bell, Roy and Dale, Trigger and Buttermilk
Do You Remember a Time When..
- Decisions were made by going ‘eeny-meeny-miney-moe’?
- Mistakes were corrected by simply exclaiming, ‘Do Over!’?
- ‘Race issue’ meant arguing about who ran the fastest?
- Catching The Fireflies Could Happily Occupy An Entire Evening?
- It wasn’t odd to have two or three ‘Best Friends’?
- The worst thing you could catch from the opposite sex was ‘cooties’?
- Having a Weapon in School meant being caught with a Slingshot?
- Saturday morning cartoons weren’t 30-minute commercials for action figures?
- ‘Oly-oly-oxen-free’ made perfect sense?
- Spinning around, getting dizzy, and falling down was cause for giggles?
- The Worst Embarrassment was being picked last for a team?
- War was a card game?
- Baseball cards in the spokes transformed any bike into a motorcycle?
- Taking drugs meant orange – flavored chewable aspirin?
- Water balloons were the ultimate weapon?
Thanks Gene
