Thanks Gene
Aging
115 year-old man interviewed
An old man turned 115 and was being interviewed by a reporter for the local paper. During the interview the reporter noticed that the yard was full of children of all ages playing together. A very pretty girl of about 19 served the old man and the reporter, keeping them in fresh tea and running errands for them.
“Are these your grandkids?” the reporter asked.
“Naw, sir, they all be my younguns,” the old man replied with a sly grin.
“Your kids?” said the reporter.
“What about this beautiful young lady who keeps bringing us tea? Is she one of your children too?”
“Naw, sir,” said the old man. “She be my wife.”
“Your wife?” said the surprised reporter. “But she can’t be more than 19 years old.”
“Thass right,” said the old man with pride.
“Well, surely you can’t have a sex life with you being 115 and she being only 19,” the reporter remarked.
“Naw, sir, ” said the old man. “We have sex every night. Every night two of my boys helps me on it, and every morning six of my boys helps me off.”
“Wait just one minute,” said the newspaperman. “Why does it only take two of your boys to put you on, but it takes six of them to take you off?”
“Cause,” the spry old man said with a balled fist, “I fights ’em.”
Senior Health Care Solution
So you’re a senior citizen and the government says no health care for you, what do you do?
Our plan gives anyone 65 years or older a gun and 4 bullets. Your are allowed to shoot 2 senators and 2 representatives. Of Course, this means you will be sent to prison.
There you will get 3 meals a day, a roof over your head, and all the health care you need! New teeth, no problem. Need glasses, great. New hip, knees, kidney, lungs, heart? All covered.
And who will be paying for all of this? The same government that just told you that you are too old for health care. Plus, because you are a prisoner, you don’t have to pay any income taxes anymore.
IS THIS A GREAT COUNTRY OR WHAT?!
Thanks Gene
Sexting for seniors
Sexting, or, “sex texting,” is becoming a big problem among America’s teens. Luckily for parents, a lot of sites are posting some common sexting terms used by teenagers so they can keep tabs on what their children are up to. But these days, more and more old folks are using cell phones and (probably) sexting each other. So how can you tell if your grandparents are sending other grandparents dirty text messages? Here are a few terms and codes keep an eye out for:
DYRS – Do You Remember Sex?
MWIIACWC – My Wife Is In A Coma, Wanna Cyber?
TVKI – The Viagra’s Kicking In
ITAC – Is This A Computer?
GoL – Grandchild on Lap
N911 – Nurse Alert
420 – Dinner Time
IOMM – I’m Off My Meds
MGIAQ – My Grandson Is A Queer
SYHFUMA – Shove Your Hummel Figurine Up My Ass
FOLS – Fond of Leathery Skin
DiR – Death In Room
TYDO – Take Your Depends Off
LMIRLABE – Let’s Meet In Real Life At Bob Evans
OSMGISUMWC – One Second, My Grandson Is Setting Up My Web Cam
MPHWHJ – My Parkinsons Helps With Hand Jobs
TCS – The Catheter Stings
WYWM – Will You Wipe Me?
LSMSSCOW – Let’s Spend My Social Security Check On Whores
WMBRB – Watching Matlock, Be Right Back
LDOMC – Lay Down On My Craftmatic
KADC – Knitting A Dildo Cozy
LMG – Lost My Glasses
RU/81 – Are You Over 81?
WSTMO – Willard Scott Turns Me On
PRUN – Prunes
LYWMGUO – Leave Your Wal-Mart Greeter Uniform On
IFTWPA – I Forgot To Wear Pants Again
LLP – Let’s Lemon Party
ABC’s for seniors
A’s for arthritis;
B’s the bad back,
C’s the chest pains,
Perhaps car-d-iac?
D is for dental decay and decline,
E is for eyesight, can’t read that top line!
F is for fissures and fluid retention
G is for gas which I’d rather not mention.
H High blood pressure–I’d rather it low
I for incisions with scars you can show.
J is for joints, out of socket, won’t mend,
K is for knees that crack when they bend.
L for libido, what happened to sex?
M is for memory, I forget what comes next.
N is neuralgia, in nerves way down low
O is for osteo, bones that don’t grow!
P for prescriptions, I have quite a few,
Just give me a pill, I’ll be good as new!
Q is for queasy, is it fatal or flu?
R is for reflux, one meal turns to two..
S is for sleepless nights, counting my fears,
T is for Tinnitus, bells in my ears!
U is for urinary, troubles with flow;
V for vertigo, that’s ‘dizzy’, you know.
W for worry, NOW what’s going ’round?
X is for x-ray, and what might be found.
Y for another year I’m left here behind,
Z is for zest I still have– in my mind.
Thanks Gene
Revisiting the 60’s songs
Some of the artists of the 60’s are revising their hits with new lyrics to accommodate aging baby boomers who can remember doing the “Limbo” as if it were yesterday .
They include:
Bobby Darin —Splish, Splash, I Was Havin’ A Flash
Herman’s Hermits —Mrs. Brown, You’ve Got A Lovely Walker
Ringo Starr —I Get By With A Little Help From Depends
The Bee Gees — -How Can You Mend A Broken Hip?
Roberta Flack—The First Time Ever I Forgot Your Face
Johnny Nash —I Can’t See Clearly Now.
Paul Simon— Fifty Ways To Lose Your Liver
The Commodores —Once, Twice, Three Times To The Bathroom
Procol Harem— A Whiter Shade Of Hair
Leo Sayer —You Make Me Feel Like Napping
The Temptations —Papa’s Got A Kidney Stone
Abba—Denture Queen
“You haven’t seen my teeth have you Wilma?
Tony Orlando —Knock 3 Times On The Ceiling If You Hear Me Fall
Helen Reddy —I Am Woman, Hear Me Snore
Leslie Gore—It’s My Procedure, And I’ll Cry If I Want To
And Last but NOT least…
Willie Nelson —On the Commode Again
Thanks Gene
When did you first feel old?
Reddit asks the question. Here are a few answers:
- My very first realization was in my mid 20’s. Four teenage boys pulled up next to my car one night at a gas station. They wanted me to buy them beer and I just couldn’t bring myself to do it. I didn’t want the responsibility or guilt if something happened to them or someone else.
- When an ex-boyfriend’s small children found one of my cassette tapes and asked what it was.
- A girl, probably late teen / early 20s, after over hearing a story I was telling asked, “You used to be able to smoke in a mall?” The conversation shifted to the old beer cans and we were trying to describe to her the old pull tabs to open them. She had no clue what we were talking about.
- A girl was showing off her new jeans. They came pre-ripped as the trend was starting to take off again for a short time. She told me she paid $90 for them. In my head my first thought was, “You paid $90 for a pair of jeans already ripped? I could have done that for free myself.” It was as if my dad was inside my head as that’s exactly what he would have said to me. I could hear his voice and everything. While I obviously now agreed with it, it still made me cringe to realize I was starting to think like my parents.