Idle thoughts

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I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don’t know what to feed it.
I had amnesia once — or twice. I went to San Francisco. I found someone’s heart. Now what?
Protons have mass? I didn’t even know they were Catholic.
All I ask is a chance to prove that money can’t make me happy.
If the world was a logical place, men would ride horses sidesaddle.
What is a “free” gift? Aren’t all gifts free?
They told me I was gullible … and I believed them.
Teach a child to be polite and courteous in the home and, when he grows up, he’ll never be able to merge his car onto a freeway.
Two can live as cheaply as one, for half as long.
Experience is the thing you have left when everything else is gone.
What if there were no hypothetical questions?
One nice thing about egotists: They don’t talk about other people.
When the only tool you own is a hammer, every problem begins to look like a nail.
A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.
What was the greatest thing before sliced bread? Hmmmm.
My weight is perfect for my height — which varies.
I used to be indecisive. Now I’m not sure.
The cost of living hasn’t affected its popularity.
How can there be self-help “groups”?
Is there another word for synonym?
Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all”?
The speed of time is one-second per second.
Is it possible to be totally partial?
What’s another word for thesaurus?
Is Marx’s tomb a communist plot?
If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales?
Show me a man with both feet firmly on the ground, and I’ll show you a man who can’t get his pants off.
It’s not an optical illusion. It just like one.

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7 thoughts on “Idle thoughts”

  2. Yeah, sounds like Steven Wright. Here’s some more from Steven Wright:

    I bought some used paint. It was in the shape of a house.

    I have a hobby. I have the world’s largest collection of sea shells. I
    keep it scattered on beaches all over the world. Maybe you’ve seen some
    of it.

    I met my latest girl friend in a department store. She was looking at
    clothes, and I was putting Slinkys on the escalators.

    I turned my air conditioner the other way around, and it got cold out. The
    weatherman said “I don’t understand it. I was supposed to be 80 degrees
    today,” and I said “Oops.”

    In my house on the ceilings I have paintings of the rooms above… so
    I never have to go upstairs.

    I used to live in a house by the freeway. When I went anywhere, I had
    to be going 65 MPH by the end of my driveway.

    I was at this restaurant. The sign said “Breakfast Anytime.” So I ordered
    French Toast in the Rennaissance.

    I was drunk last night, crawled home across the lawn. By accident I put
    the car key in the door lock. The house started up. So I figured what
    the hell, and drove it around the block a few times. I thought I should
    go park it in the middle of the freeway and yell at everyone to get off
    my driveway.

    I woke up this morning and discovered that everything in my apartment
    had been stolen and replaced with an exact replica. I told my roommate,
    “Isn’t this amazing? Everything in the apartment has been stolen and
    replaced with an exact replica.” He said, “Do I know you?”

    When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any
    firearms with me. I said, “Well, what do you need?”

    Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?

    My brother sent me a postcard the other day with this big sattelite photo
    of the entire earth on it. On the back it said: “Wish you were here.”

    You know that feeling when you’re leaning back on a stool and it starts
    to tip over? Well, that’s how I feel all the time.

    For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier… I put them in
    the same room and let them fight it out.

  6. Hmm… The greatest thing before sliced bread. Slice bread was first sold on July 7th, 1928. The worlds largest hailstone fell to earth in Potter, Nebraska [I’m assuming that’s in your United States somewhere] on July 6th, 1928, which is pretty great. And on July 2nd women in the UK were given the right to vote due to the Representation of the People Act. Which was great too!

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