Advice from old people….

From a collection of advice from old people….

• “Forget looks an’ tits an’ shit. All ya needs from life is a woman with a heart of gold and a fanny like a jar of worms.”
• People in power only hold that power because you allow them to. If they abuse that power, you can take it away from them. This applies to relationships, employers, landlords, councils and the Government.
• When you think “I’ll just have one more drink” – don’t have it.
• If there is somthing in your life you love doing – try to find a job where they will pay you to do it.
• “It’s easier to get a girlfriend when you already have a girlfriend”
• “Don’t be surprised when people are not pleased for your success and are happy when you fail”
• “Remember to fuck around a lot, when I was growing up we weren’t allowed to” (Granny – aged 89).  She’s also advised me never to do cocaine, and also that marijuana brownies are great.
• My great uncle also once told me to never try shitting in a wicker waste paper bin.
• “Never look at your mom when she’s eating a banana.”
• “Son, now you are married, you must learn this important lesson on dealing with a Wife.. if you are going out for a night on the ale, tell her you are coming home an hour or two later than you actually intend to.. that way, when you arrive home ‘early’ she’ll be delighted that you’ve cut short your night out to be with her”
• “Never chase after a bus or a girl – another one’ll come along soon enough!”
• No one wins in a fight. If you hit him 20 times and he hits you once it still fucking hurts.
• Always kick a man when he is down because you probably won’t have the balls to hit him if he gets back up.
• Genuine good advice from my Grandad – ‘Don’t listen to your mother, she never has known what she’s talking about’
• Never trust a man whose tie is lighter than his shirt.
• My nan tells me spoonful of sugar helps the medicine go down… I’m a fucking diabetic.
• My Gran told me that if my poo floated, in the toilet obviously, then I wasn’t eating properly. Once my jobbies went under, I could consider myself pretty healthy.
• “Life is like riding a bike. If you look down or look back, you’ll fall off. The only way to get where you want to go is to look forward.”
• The best advice I ever received was written on the side of a box of matches, it said “Keep dry and away from children”
• Ugly women… …have vaginas too, son.
• Never trust a man with a beard, he’s hiding something.
• “If you take longer strides when you’re walking, your shoes will last longer”.
• Never sleep with a woman who’s problems are worse than your own.
• “Never skimp on spending money on a good pair of shoes and a decent bed. If you’re not in one, you’re in the other”.
• “Never get separated from your lunch”
• “life is like a shit sandwich, the more bread you got the better it tastes”
• “always leave a party while you’re still having fun, you’re a young lad now but later you’ll understand, never forget”
• Women are like cowpats, the older they are, the easier they are to pick up…
• “He who is scared and runs away, lives to run another day!”
• “Never trust a dog with a curly tail”
• Always take a dump when you’re at work, you’re getting paid for it
• Don’t eat gravy and icecream at the same time.

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