How to deal with telemarketers

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1. If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for bankruptcy and you could sure use some money.
2. If they start out with, “How are you today?” say, “I’m so glad you asked, because no one these days seems to care, and I have all these problems; my arthritis is acting up, my eyelashes are sore, my dog just died…”
3. If they say they’re John Doe from XYZ Company, ask them to spell their name. Then ask them to spell the company name. Then ask them where it is located, how long it has been in business, how many people work there, how they got into this line of work, are they married?, kids?, etc. Continue asking them personal questions or questions about their company for as long as necessary.
4. Cry out in surprise,”Judy! Is that you? Oh my God! Judy, how have you been?” Hopefully, this will give Judy a few brief moments of terror as she tries to figure out where she could know you from.
5. Say “No”, over and over. Be sure to vary the sound of each one, and keep a rhythmic tempo, even as they are trying to speak. This is most fun if you can do it until they hang up.
6. If MCI calls trying to get you to sign up for the Family and Friends Plan, reply, in as SINISTER a voice as you can, “I don’t have any friends… would you be my friend?”
7. After the Telemarketer gives their spiel, ask him/her to marry you. When they get all flustered, tell them that you could not just give your credit card number to a complete stranger.
8. Tell the Telemarketer that you work for the same company, they often can’t sell to employees.
9. Answer the phone. As soon as you realize it is a Telemarketer, set the receiver down, shout or scream, “Oh No!!!” and then hang up.
10. Tell the Telemarketer you are busy at the moment and ask him/her if he/she will give you his/her HOME phone number so you can call him/her back. When the Telemarketer explains that telemarketers cannot give out their HOME numbers you say “I guess you don’t want anyone bothering you at home, right?” The Telemarketer will agree and you say, “Me, either!” Hang up.
11. Ask them to repeat everything they say, several times.
12. Tell them it is dinner time, BUT ask if they would please hold. Put them on your speaker phone while you continue to eat at your leisure. Smack your food loudly and continue with your dinner conversation.
13. Tell the Telemarketer you are on “home incarceration” and ask if they could bring you a pizza.
14. Ask them to fax the information to you, and make up a number.
15. Insist that the caller is really your buddy Leon, playing a joke. “Come on Leon, cut it out! Seriously, Leon, how’s your mom?”
16. Tell them you are hard of hearing and that they need to speak up… louder… louder…louder…
17. Tell them to talk VERY SLOWLY, because you want to write EVERY WORD down.

Thanks Max

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14 thoughts on “How to deal with telemarketers”

  1. A friend of me read in Internet about a guy who pretended to be a policeman in a homicide place and he repeated the joke when marketeers called to my house.

    He asked the guy his name, when he took this number and bla bla. Asked for the boss and spoke with the marketer boss for some minutes. We learned that our old phone company sold our number >-(

    But it was funny.

    Sorry my english: I am not english speaker and I am sick. Or ill or whatever. I have some kind of flu with fever and bla bla.

  3. hm. “your comment is awaiting moderation”…
    I’m guessing its because of the links… Actually, if i try to observe my comment objectively, it indeed is structured like some ‘clever’ spam. Links, fake reference to previoud commenter, appealing for clicking, ensuring everyone its worth it, etc:D

    Still, I’d love to see some ‘trusted commenters’ feature (as i had lots of comments here and back at blogspot, and i’m pretty sure not one of them qualified as spam.). That’d also take some work off your shoulders, Jonco. I’m not really into blogging, but there should be some plugin capable of this around…
    but whatever, the place is good as it is:)

  4. My game is to get THEM to hang up. One called and offered me a home loan. I told her I didn’t need any money.
    She said, ‘Everybody could use extra money.’
    I told her not me, I’m a powerball winner. She wished me luck and hung up.
    But the very best way to get rid of them is the way my pastor does it. He starts asking them if they know Jesus. Then he starts reading verses to them, they hang right up.

  5. Ha ha, gold. I once had a telemarketer call me on the home number wanting to sell me a mobile phone. I told him I was Amish and didn’t use phones. The duffer said “Oh, OK.” in that awkward way when you realise someone is religious and you can’t do anything about it, and hung up. On the phone. It was gold.

  6. I usually try to answer with belches and fart-noises. They usually hang up after 10-15 seconds.

    Also, after a flurry of calls (3-4 # day for 4 days) from one number, I finally answered the phone and after every question, I screamed “TAKE ME OFF YOUR F…ING LIST!” I did it over and over, and she kept asking polite questions. Finally she started apologizing, but I continued to shout it, no matter what she said. Finally she said “We will do that, sir” but I continued to repeat it over & over faster & faster. She finally hung up. And I never rec’d another call from them.

  7. I’d let them go through their whole thing and once they’re done they usually ask something like “so is this a great deal or what?” only then I’d tell them “hold on, I’m just here visiting, let me get you the guy that actually lives here….”….this is usually followed by a click.

  11. I’m pretty straight forward with them. They say “May I speak to so-and-so?” and I answer “No.” They usually give up.

  12. I usually wait until they are complete with there ‘speech’ then I say: “OK, I’m back, what did I miss?”. They get so flustered and start the speech over again, then I say: (can anyone guess what I say again?)……

    Or, I ask them to hoild while I turn off the stove, then I don’t go bac until after they hang up.

    Once I asked them to hold while I answer an incoming call. Then I tell them it is their competition with a better offer and if he is able to top their offer.

  13. The best way to get them flustered is to put on your best seductive voice and ask them what they are wearing. Say that you are completely naked and very lonely. Say, “Are you touching yourself? Close your eyes and and imagine me . . .” I do this with male and female callers. The guys actually hang up quicker.

  14. Jeannie… you may have something there… let them give there spill for minutes then say you have reached a sex hot line and there number is being charged…lol

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