Reddit asks the question. Here are some of the answers:
- You’re like Ugly Betty except your name isn’t Betty.
- Silly Ashley you can’t get pregnant through the face.
- I made a robot powered by hate, but I loved it so much it didn’t work.
- I’m not saying he’s unlucky, but if he fell into a barrel of tits, he’d come up sucking his own thumb.
- Well, I’d like to agree with you, but then we’d both be wrong
- Son, there are two types of girls in this world: the good ones and the bad ones. And the bad ones are the good ones to know.
- i’m not the smartest or the best looking but i am smarter than anyone better looking than me, I am better looking than anyone smarter than me, and if someone is smarter and better looking than me, I can kick their ass.
- Never moon anyone within kicking distance.
- Never claim to be intelligent, compassionate, or a good driver. Inevitably you’ll do something contrary to all three.
- If there was no hole in the ozone how would rocket ships get out? – Me to physics teacher.
- Love is the weak man’s strength and the strong man’s weakness…
- Every zoo is a petting zoo if you’re brave enough.
- On a scale from one to drunk, how high are you?”
- Drink up, ’cause you can’t regret what you don’t remember.
- The key to originality is hiding your sources.
- You know how they say it’s lonely at the top? I’ll be god damned if it ain’t lonely at the bottom too.
What Is Your Best Original Quote?
If you want to teach a man to swim, take him to the deep end of a pool, then set him on fire.
How many pinheads can dance in Los Angeles?
Every exhibitionist needs a voyeur.
I make enough mistakes on my own, I don’t need any help.
Talk into my good eye…
I taught that boy everything I know, and he still don’t know nothin’.
my mother: If I had their (insert whatever it may be) and they had a feather up their ass, we’d both be tickled.
I don’t know if that’s original or not, but she’s the only one I’ve ever heard use it.
My mother used to ask (if you seemed out of sorts),”What’s the matter? Got a hair across your ass?”
“If a person never cares 4 themselves then how can they get past their nose in life.”
From someone who just face booked me. I haven’t the slightest idea what it means.
He’s nuttier than squirrel poop.
There are two types of women: those that will stomp on your heart and those that can fly; and, I’ve never seen a woman with wings.
my favorite quote of astonishment,,
well kiss a mans dick till his hat flies off,,
oldbear
I couldn’t get laid in a morgue even if I had a fist full of toe tags
In response to something amazing:
“Well, That’s slicker than owl shit”.
In response to someone asking how I am doing:
“Oversexed and underlaid”.
In response to someone saying that they can’t find something:
“If it was up your ass, you’d know where it was”.
People don’t like me.
Bill Cosby: “If my wife and I agreed on everything, one of us would be unnecessary.”
Dean Martin: “You’re not really drunk if you can lay on the floor without holding on.”
Me to my ex-wife: “One day I hope that science and technology advances far enough that I can visit your home planet, because we don’t do sh*t like this on Earth.”
You can do something about ugly, but stupid is forever.
Me To my daughters: “When you grow up you can be whatever you want to be; But right now you have got to be-have.”
That’s worst than a fart on an elevator.
That’s tighter than a snake fart.
I thot, these were supposed to be “original”. Not your favorites.
This is my original: The more you know, the more you know what you don’t know.
grumpy, you may have said that, but you didn’t say it first.
http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC1267634/pdf/cmaj00161-0064.pdf
It’s not a grudge unless you hold on to it
If his brains were dynamite he wouldn’t have enough to blow his hat off
Sorry. This is NOT mine but belonged to a late acquaintance of mine.
“Slicker than snot on a door knob.”
1. I have a patent on an aircooled engine for submarines
2. If you had a wet fart on a frozen floor and you stood up would your
intestines come out?
3. Time flies while having fun and fun flies while doing time.
Children are a pain in the neck and a lump in your throat.
(My wife reminded me about saying this all the time)
Whatever makes your watercraft buoyant.
(in response to a sneeze) Non-denominational well-wishing!
From my dad, who was a fountain of cool sayings…
IF? If ifs and buts were candy and nuts, we’d all have a merry Christmas.
“who died and bumped you up to ‘last man on earth’ status?”
Spencer’s First Law of Aerodynamics: Anything will fly if you throw it hard enough.