Happy Halloween

 The Ghost of Gus

Halloween Fun Facts
Halloween is also know by other names:
All Hallows Eve
Samhain
All Hallowtide
The Feast of the Dead
The Day of the Dead

Halloween in Welsh is ‘Nos Calan Gaeaf’.

Halloween is correctly spelled as Hallowe’en.

Black cats were originally believed to protect witches’ powers from negative forces.

A pumpkin is really a squash, and comes from the same family as the cucumber.

About 99% of pumpkins sold are used as Jack O’ Lanterns at Halloween.

The biggest pumpkin in the world tipped the scales at a whopping 1,446 pounds. This gigantic gourd was weighed in October 2004 at a pumpkin festival in Port Elgin, Ontario, Canada.

The record for the fastest pumpkin carver in the world is Jerry Ayers of Baltimore, Ohio. He carved a pumpkin in just 37 seconds!

The very first jack o’ lantern was made out of hollowed out turnips.

Ringing a bell scares evil spirits away.

If you see a spider on this night, it could be the spirit of a dead loved one who is watching you.

To meet a witch, put your clothes on inside out and walk backwards on Halloween night.

 

 

Things that sound dirty at Halloween

1. So…What’d you get in the sack?
2. Once you get under the sheet, start moaning and groaning!!!
3. Just hop on that broomstick and ride it!
4. Those small suckers are gone in a few licks!
5. I got the best piece from that house.
6. Quit screwing around on the porch!!!
7. Stick your hand in and guess what you’re feeling….
8. It was so filled and heavy, I had to use TWO hands!!
9. They’ll suck you dry if they get their teeth in you.
10. I bobbed and bobbed, but couldn’t get my mouth around it!
11. She’s a goblin!
12. Let me see your bag….OH! You’re having a great night!
13. Just get on your hands and knees and bob your head.
14. She’s got a couple of nice pumpkins on her porch.
15. If you just lick it, it’ll last longer.
16. Show me your JuJuBees and I’ll let you see my Zagnuts.
17. Have your mom check it before you put it in your mouth…
18. You scared me stiff!
19. He’s got Candy spread out on the living room floor!
20. Trick or treat?

 

A cabbie picks up a nun. She gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome cab driver won’t stop staring at her. She asks him why he is staring.

 He replies: ‘I have a question to ask, but I don’t want to offend you.’

 She answers, ‘ My son, you cannot offend me. When you’re as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I’m sure that there’s nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive.’

 ‘Well, I’ve always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me.’

 She responds, ‘Well, let’s see what we can do about that. But:

·  1, you have to be single and

·  2, you must be Catholic.’

 The cab driver is very excited and says, ‘Yes, I’m single and Catholic!’

 ‘OK’ the nun says. ‘Pull into the next alley.’

 The nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush.  But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.

 ‘My dear child,’ said the nun, ‘Why are you crying?’

 ‘Forgive me but I’ve sinned. I lied and I must confess; I’m married and I’m Jewish.’

 The nun says, ‘That’s OK. My name is Kevin and I’m going to a Halloween party.

What happened to the guy who didn’t pay his exorcist?
He was repossessed 

Top 10 signs you’re too old to trick-or-treat

10. You get winded from knocking on the door.

9. You have to have another kid chew the candy for you.

8. You ask for high fiber candy only.

7. When someone drops a candy bar in your bag, you lose your balance and fall over.

6. People say, “Great Keith Richards mask!” and you’re not wearing a mask.

5. When the door opens you yell, “Trick or…” and can’t remember the rest.

4. By the end of the night, you have a bag full of restraining orders.

3. You have to carefully choose a costume that won’t dislodge your hairpiece.

2. You’re the only Power Ranger in the neighborhood with a walker.

1. You avoid going to houses where your ex-wives live.

A Ghost Story

 

Things we’ve learned from horror films

When it appears that you have killed the monster, NEVER check to see if it’s really dead. It isn’t.

If you find that your house is built upon or near a cemetery, was once a church that was used for black masses, had previous inhabitants who went mad or committed suicide or died in some horrible fashion, or had inhabitants who performed satanic practices in your house move immediately.

Never read a book of demon summoning aloud, even as a joke.

Do not search the basement, especially if the power has just gone out.

If your children speak to you in Latin or any other language which they should not know, or if they speak to you using a voice other than their own, shoot them immediately. It will save you a lot of grief in the long run.  NOTE: It will probably take several rounds to kill them, so be prepared.

When you have the benefit of a group of people, NEVER pair off and go it alone.

As a general rule, don’t solve puzzles that open portals to Hell.

If you’re searching for something that caused a noise and find out that it’s just the cat, leave the room immediately if you value your life.

If you find a town that looks deserted, it’s probably for a reason. Take the hint and leave NOW!!
Don’t fool with recombinant DNA technology unless you’re sure you know what you are doing. Even then, don’t do it.

If you’re running from the monster, expect to trip or fall down at least twice, more if you are of a female. Even though you may be faster than the monster, you can be sure that it WILL catch you.

If your friends suddenly begin to exhibit uncharacteristic behavior such  as hissing, fascination for blood, glowing eyes, increasing hairiness, and so on, get away from them as fast as possible.

Stay away from certain geographical locations, some of which are listed here:  Amityville, Elm Street, Transylvania, Meskatonic University, Camp Crystal Lake, Haddonfield, Illinois, one gas station desert towns or any small town in Maine.

If your car runs out of gas at night, do not go to the nearby deserted-looking house to phone for help.

Beware of strangers bearing tools such as chainsaws, staple guns, hedge trimmers, electric carving knives, combines, lawnmowers, butane torches, soldering irons, or band saws. This is especially true if they are wearing a hockey mask or one made of human skin.

Origin of the word Halloween
The term Halloween, and its older spelling Hallowe’en, is shortened from All-hallow-even, as it is the evening before “All Hallows’ Day” (also known as “All Saints’ Day”). In Ireland, the name was All Hallows’ Eve (often shortened to Hallow Eve), and though seldom used today, it is still a well-accepted label. The holiday was a day of religious festivities in various northern European Pagan traditions, until Pope Gregory III moved the old Christian feast of All Saints Day to November 1 to give Halloween a Christian interpretation . Halloween is also called Pooky Night in some parts of Ireland, presumably named after the púca, a mischievous spirit.

Halloween is often associated with the occult. Many European cultural traditions hold that Halloween is one of the liminal times of the year when the spiritual world can make contact with the physical world and when magic is most potent (e.g. Catalan mythology about witches, Irish tales of the Sídhe).

 What do you call a ghost with a broken leg?
Hoblin Goblin