Saturday Open Mic

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OPEN MICI’m out and about today visiting with some old friends, doing some drive-bys through the old neighborhoods.

So this is your chance to run the show. 

Post your favorite links, jokes, stories or tall tales. 

 

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45 thoughts on “Saturday Open Mic”

  13. In fact, at the end of the metric dweller’s legs, is it still called ‘a foot’? Behind their house, do they still have a back ‘yard’? Are abandoned dogs kept in a dog ‘pound’? Do their boobies have more bounce to the ‘ounce’? And do their bras still have two ‘cups’?

    These are the things that keep me awake all night.

    Here’s a ruler for men:

  17. “doing some drive-bys through the old neighborhoods.”

    Did not peg you for banger, Jonco…But if someone needs to be capped, den dey needs be capped.

  22. Mr. Isiah, what we are dealing with here is a perfect engine, a walking machine. It’s really a miracle of evolution. All this machine does is walk and eat and make little messes, and that’s all. Now, why don’t you take a long, close look at this sign.

  24. Yes Deej, Or legs do end in ‘feet’, we do have back ‘yards’ and abandoned dogs do go to the ‘pound’. Our boobies do have more bounce to the ‘ounce’ but we are so tuff down here we don’t wear bras, we wear hubcaps. Sleep well Deej!

  26. Woohoo Isiah! Mine baby is still just pushing along the floor backwards! She got stuck under the tv stand the other day!

  27. For some time many of us have wandered who Jack Shit is.

    We find ourselves at a loss when someone says “YOU DON’T KNOW JACK SHIT!”

    Well this is how to respond in a more intellectual way…

    Jack shit is the only son of Awe Shit who married Oh Shit, the owners of Knee Deep in Shit inc.

    In turn Jack Shit married No Shit. The couple had 6 children: Hollie Shit, Fulla Shit, Bull Shit & 2 twins Deep Shit & Dip Shit.

    Deep shit married Dumb Shit, a high school dropout.

    After 15 years Jack shit & No Shit got divorced and she married Ted Sherlock, meanwhile Dip shit married Lotta Shit.

    Fulla Shit and Giva Shit married the Happens brothers and had a double wedding. The news paper invited everyone to the Shit-Happens wedding.

    Bull Shit traveled the world and returned with an Italian bride; Pisa Shit.

    So next time someone tells you that you dont know jack shit, you can say “well…”

  28. A man goes into a library and asks for a book on suicide.
    The librarian says; “F**k off, you won’t bring it back.”

    An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman walk into a…ihg32h9gj0fk0kfkkkkkkfmmnnn273fbf111…
    …FOR FU**S SAKE KANYE LET GO OF THE KEYBOARD!

    A girl in a bar said to me, “I wouldn’t f**k you if you were the last person alive.”
    Leaning over and whispering, I replied, “But who would be around to stop me?”
    Wiped the smug look off her face.

    My girlfriend is a porn star.
    She is going to be so pissed off when she finds out.

    If you’re so much better than the leading brand…why are you not the leading brand?

    Neil Armstrong is about to take his first step on the lunar surface when Kanye interrupts him: “I’ll let you finish in a second Neil, one small step and all. I just wanna say that Michael Jackson has the best moon walk of all time!”

    My Brazilian mate told me he was going to a fancy dress party dressed as a suicide bomber.
    I think it was a mistake to go on the tube though…

    A pub landlord is shutting up for the night when there is a knock at the door. When he answers, a Tramp asks him for a toothpick. He gives him the toothpick and the tramp leaves.

    A few minutes later there is a second knock. When he answers, there is a second Tramp who also asks for a toothpick. He gets his toothpick and off he goes.
    There is a third knock at the door, and a third Tramp. The landlord says, “Don’t tell me, you want a toothpick too.”
    “No, a straw,” says the Tramp.
    The landlord gives him a straw but is curious as to why he wants it, so he asks the Tramp why he wants a straw and not a toothpick.
    To which the Tramp replies, “Some bloke just threw up outside but all the good stuff’s gone already”.

    Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarves are not happy.

    I called that Rape Advice Line earlier today.
    Unfortunately, it’s only for victims.

    I have decided to produce and sell a strong alcoholic drink called “Responsibly”
    That way everyone in the country can get shit faced drinking responsibly.
    And all the other drinks makers will be advertising for me on their cans with the slogan “please drink responsibly”
    Probably will piss off the government as well.

    Just been to my first Muslim birthday party. The musical chairs was a bit slow but f**k me the pass the parcel was quick!!!

    ŹŽÉqĒ uo pɹɐoqŹŽĒŹž ɐ ŹŽnq ı ĒÉÆıŹ‡ļ»æ Ź‡sɐן ĒÉ„Ź‡ sı sıɄŹ‡

    I was walking in a cemetery this morning and saw a bloke hiding behind a gravestone. I said, “Morning.”
    He replied, “No, just having a shit.”

    What’s (buffering 21%) the (buffering 45%) best way (buffering 69%) to lose (buffering 86%) a (buffering 100%) hard-on?

    Isn’t it just a little ironic to see a group of pro-lifers throwing eggs at an abortion clinic?

    Have a great Sunday everyone.

  29. Gentlemen, gentlemen any excess rain can be sent straight down here to Australia. We dont have any, I’m sure you’ve seen the dust storms thru sydney.
    More Rain, More Rain, More Rain. (all respect to woodstock)

  34. HI ALL

    Got to run but thought i would stop in and say hi.

    Bella see your in alot of peapols thoughts today.

    will check back later today

  36. Am I missing something? What’s with all the pink ribbons? Obviously you guys are supporting some group, but what and why so many now? >_>

    Anyways…. I’m excited! I just turned 18. I’m probably gonna make all you ‘elders’ laugh, but I feel OLD. šŸ˜€ And what’s weird is, being that I understand the concept of relativity in respect to time as you grow older, these past 4 years i’ve been in high school passed by really quickly for me….. I can’t imagine how quickly they’ve gone for my parents!

    As for the picture… look very closely. You’ll know what you’re looking for when you see it, and yes, you WILL shitbrix.

  38. Hi all. I see the beautiful pink ribbons ALN and I Thank You all for your gentle support. I have been so humbled not only by this disease but by the wonderful people who surround me with warmth, kindness and laughter. Your prayers and thoughts are working and I will kick this beast to the curb. I truly, truly Thank You. XOXO

  42. Bella,
    Never give up fighting! The most powerful weapon that you have at your disposal is your will to beat it! Be strong, lean on your friends and most of all, keep your sense of humor! May God be with you in your time of need.

  43. I hear you (Another) Scott! I ain’t no wimp and I will kick it’s @ss. Thank You for your kind words. And Thanks eh KLAW. Pain killers must be wearing oofff….

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