If Oracle made toasters… They’d claim their toaster was compatible with all brands and styles of bread, but when you got it home you’d discover the Bagel Engine was still in development, the Croissant Extension was three years away, and that indeed the whole appliance was just blowing smoke.
If Hewlett-Packard made toasters… They would market the Reverse Toaster, which takes in toast and gives you regular bread.
If IBM made toasters… They would want one big toaster where people bring bread to be submitted for overnight toasting. IBM would claim a worldwide market for five, maybe six toasters.
If Xerox made toasters… You could toast one-sided or double-sided. Successive slices would get lighter and lighter. The toaster would jam your bread for you.
If Radio Shack made toasters… The staff would sell you a toaster, but not know anything about it. Or you could buy all the parts to build your own toaster.
If Thinking Machines made toasters… You would be able to toast 64,000 pieces of bread at the same time.
If Cray made toasters… They would cost $16 million but would be faster than any other single-slice toaster in the world.
If The Rand Corporation made toasters… It would be a large, perfectly smooth and seamless black cube. Every morning there would be a piece of toast on top of it. Their service department would have an unlisted phone number, and the blueprints for the box would be highly classified government documents. The X-Files would have an episode about it.
If the NSA made toasters… Your toaster would have a secret trap door that only the NSA could access in case they needed to get at your toast for reasons of national security.
If Sony made toasters… The ToastMan, which would be barely larger than the single piece of bread it is meant to toast, can be conveniently attached to your belt.
If Timex made toasters… They would be cheap and small quartz-crystal wrist toasters that take a licking and keep on toasting.
If Fisher Price made toasters… ‘Baby’s First Toaster’ would have a hand-crank that you turn to toast the bread that pops up like a Jack-in-the-box.
If Microsoft made toasters… Every time you bought a loaf of bread, you would have to buy a toaster. You wouldn’t have to take the toaster, but you’d still have to pay for it anyway. Toaster’95 wouldweigh 15000 pounds (requiring a reinforced steel countertop), draw enough electricity to power a small city, take up 95% of the space in your kitchen, would claim to be the first toaster that lets you control how light or dark you want your toast to be, and would secretly interrogate your other appliances to find out who made them. Everyone would hate Microsoft toasters, but nonetheless would buy them since most of the good bread only works with their toasters.
If Apple made toasters… It would do everything the Microsoft toaster does, but 5 years earlier.
IF GM made toasters:
they would be the ugliest toasters, compared to their Asian competitors. They would introduce an even uglier toaster every year while trying to pawn off the previous year’s toasters at year-end clearance sales. Eventually they would have made so many ugly toasters that nobody wanted, they would have to ask the Govt to buy them all.
vista SUX,I can only hope windows 7 is done right,DAYUM the richest man in the world cant do any better than vista,but to be fair windows xp was DAYUM good
I’ve had XP Pro and XP Media and never had a problem with either one.
If Jonco Industries made toasters, it’d be shaped like an arch, roar like a Harley, the knobs would look like something infidel would fondle, and after you put in the bread it would give back croutons (bits and pieces).
HAHAHA…good one scott.
I use linux
na na na na nadda na
“In free world we dont need any windows or gates”
If Scott made toasters, the toast would taste kinda punny.
(“Thank you sir may I have another?”)
Scott is bach.
Plus Scott, no matter what, someone would say it was burnt more on the left or right and that it wasn’t truly a toaster because they had checked it out on snopes.com.
That pic of the toaster up there ^ – Shooped!
If Apple made a toaster, it would be the best-looking, fastest, and most reliable toaster. But it would cost 10 times what any other toaster costs, and after you buy it, you would turn into a toaster snob and walk around telling everyone else how their toaster sucks. Then everyone would hate you and your toast.
Plus Jonco’s toaster would be sold only through a low-budget infomercial. BTW I think it’s time for a Stoop-n-Poop rebroadcast for anyone who missed it the first time. I just found the post and KLAW didn’t leave 18 comments, must have been before he showed up here.
Jonco – What Scott said…Stoop-n-Poop, Part Deux.
Get your xmas orders in early for the Stoop n Poop. Avoid that last minute rush. Operators on duty.
Yep. It’s time to see it again.
Operators are standing by with TP, if the lines were too long for you. Keep calling.
you got the last one wrong, it should say
If Apple made toasters… It would do everything the Microsoft toaster does, but 5 years later. And $2000 more expensive. And would require a toast lifter, toasting software, iLovetoast and an external dial (each sold seperately, $200 a piece)
To correct the Apple one…
If Apple made toasters…you could only use one kind of bread in it, theirs. And when it broke, you’d have to go to their iToaster store and stand in line with the other rubes and pay way too much to have it fixed.