My wife only has sex with me for a purpose. Last night she used me to time an egg.
It’s tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won’t drink from my glass!
Last night my wife met me at the front door. She was wearing a sexy negligee. The only trouble was, she was coming home.
A girl phoned me and said, ‘Come on over. There’s nobody home.’ I went over. Nobody was home!
A hooker once told me she had a headache.
I went to a massage parlor. It was self-service.
If it weren’t for pickpockets, I’d have no sex life at all.
I was making love to this girl and she started crying I said, ‘Are you going to hate yourself in the morning?’ She said, ‘No, I hate myself now.’
I knew a girl so ugly… they use her in prisons to cure sex offenders.
My wife is such a bad cook, if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.
I’m so ugly I stuck my head out the window and got arrested for mooning.
The other day I came home and a guy was jogging, naked. I asked him, ‘Why?’ He said, ‘Because you came home early.’
My wife’s such a bad cook, the dog begs for Alka-Seltzer.
I know I’ m not sexy. When I put my underwear on I can hear the Fruit-of-the-Loom guys giggling.
My wife is such a bad cook, in my house we pray after the meal.
My wife likes to talk on the phone during sex; she called me from Chicago last night.
My family was so poor that if I hadn’t been born a boy, I wouldn’t of had anything to play with.
Thanks Gene
A guy asked me if my kid was spoiled. I said, No he always smells that way.
When I was a kid, I was so ugly they had to tie a porkchop around my neck to get the dog to play with me.
We were so poor when I was a kid we couldn’t afford toys, so my mother cut holes in my pants pockets.
“With girls I don’t get no respect.
I had a blind date.
I waited two hours on the corner.
A girl walked by. I said’ Are you Louise?’
She said, ‘Are you Rodney?’
I said, ‘Yeah.’
She said, ‘I’m not Louise.'”
Oh, yesterday was a beauty. I found a guy’s wallet. Inside was a picture of my kids!
Once when I was lost, I saw a policeman, and asked him to help me find my parents. I said to him, “Do you think we’ll ever find them?” He said, “I don’t know kid. There are so many places they can hide.”
I remember the time that I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.