Beggin’ Strips are bacon-shaped, bacon-flavored treats for dogs. In the commercial a dog runs around the house like a maniac shouting BACON, BACON, BACON, BACON, BACON! It’s weird, because I do the exact same thing.
Beggin’ Strips slogan is “Dog’s don’t know it’s not bacon!” Newsflash: Dogs are retarded. Mine used to eat his own vomit, and wag his tail while he did it. I’ll be the one to decide if this stuff tastes like bacon or not.
I know these snacks aren’t made to please the human palate, but while I was in the store the ingredients list looked pretty tame so I wasn’t too concerned. Somehow I had missed one extremely dubious word sitting there all by itself. “MEAT.” That’s all it says… meat.
Meat is a pretty large umbrella. Beef is meat. Pork is meat. Horses, monkeys, and allegedly Arby’s roast beef are meat. Even Rosie O’Donnell’s ball sack is meat. Okay, maybe I’ve gone too far. I have no idea what that is they are serving at Arby’s, but you get my point.
Alas, there is no turning back now. Despite the fact that I am a grown man with responsibilities, debt, and all the other accutrement of adulthood, I’m off to go eat dog food. And what better way to have Beggin’ Strips than in a Beggin’, Lettuce, and Tomato Sammich!
* * *
I’m back. And I’m sad to report that I did not run around the house yelling “Bacon!” I did, however, run around the house yelling “Call 911!”
God-DAMN these are foul. Don’t try this at home. I’m not sure it’s safe, but I am sure your mouth may try to kill itself.
While they were a little too artificially colored red to pass for real bacon, I was pleased to see they were not all the same shape. Similar to slices of real bacon, they each have their own curvy and shriveled identity. (Just like my aunts and uncles.)
And somehow these Beggin’ Strips also managed to smell just like bacon. Oopsie. Typo. I meant to say “the smokey puke of a thousand maniacs.”
To put it simply, this is the devil’s bacon. Even a healthy dose of bread, mayo, lettuce and tomato couldn’t come close to masking the evil. The bitter nastiness literally got worse with every chew, and I was overcome by the urge to go in the backyard and eat grass until it was out of me.
The following is a message to all dogs who read this: First, sit. Sit! Good boy. Now listen to me. Beggin’ Strips do NOT, I repeat, DO NOT TASTE LIKE BACON. You are all being played for chumps! Alright, now give me your paw. Okay, roll over! Good boy! Now go outside! Go on! Get!
In closing, the only silver lining to this dark dark cloud is I have figured out why so many dogs lick their own assholes. They are trying to kill the taste of Beggin’ Strips.
It’s a DOG TREAT. Fucking idiot child.
LMAO
LMAO, indeed!
Remember the “scandal” a few years back when old people were “supposedly” having to eat cat food? Long story short, I tried some – a premium brand, I should admit – and darned if it wasn’t pretty good. It was chicken in sauce, and I bet you could serve it over rice and most people wouldn’t know the difference. The main reason I tried it was because my old cat turns up his nose at it, preferring the cheap WalMart brand.
I’ve also tried “cow cake”, cattle feed. It wasn’t nasty, but wasn’t something I’d want to eat all the time. (maybe I don’t have the stomachs for it 🙂 )
Enjoy your blog and look forward to each day’s postings. Sometimes I “borrow” for my own blog, and using the Google Reader “share” feature, link to some posts as well. I have so many subscribed sites it’s sometimes hard to wade through them all, but I’d never, ever get rid of B&P.
some canned dog food with gravy smells DAYUM good but Im not gonna eat it
You really should have a talk with your pooch. Perhaps Nooter the Dog can intervene on your behalf, because obviously you don’t have good communication skills with your dog.
http://www.nooterthedog.com/
i use to keep liver snaps dog treats in a baggy in my car to give to my dog when she would go for a ride with me. one day my mom borrowed my car when she got back she wanted to know what kind of snack cracker those where she really like them. it took me a long time to stop laughing before i could tell her.
Don’t eat pet food. Pet food often contains meat from rendering plants. Rendering plants take meat from ALL sources, including roadkill.
This was stolen from thesneeze.com
It’s on the blog in the section titled “Steve Don’t Eat It.”
This is originally from Steve, Don’t Eat It! Vol. 3!
Join Steve in saying F-YOU to his tastebuds: http://www.thesneeze.com/steve-dont-eat-it/
And while you’re there, check out the rest of The Sneeze.
Dammit J, beat me to it.
So…I work retail and have a horrid story about what happens when Beggin Strips go bad.
We were having a problem with keeping up on checking dates for freshness. Turns out, the person who was supposedly doing it was just walking the aisles. Getting done quick means getting home quicker. One day, someone figured it out and went through and checked every item for date codes (yes, codes – most of the dates are coded so that the average consumer doesn’t know 2020 from 1992). Anyhow, a bunch of stuff was slightly outdated and a few things were around 5 years past date.
Beggin’ Strips, when 5 years past their expiration date turn into liquid. It’s a liquid so foul smelling that it permeates the foil lined bag and settles into your sinuses. You can’t escape it. Someone mentioned that pet food is made from “meat” from rendering plants. The smell is something similar to the plant we used to have on the outskirts of town. If driving by makes you gag, think what standing there holding the squishy bag does.
Tried giving some of the manly men money to open the bag. They wouldn’t even go near it. I’m sure if they had it would have been indescribable.
Anyhow, I suppose the moral of the story is to make sure your pet’s food is fresh.
While my dogs actually love these things, the littlest one HATES the commercial. He can be sound asleep, under the covers, in the other room – and if that stupid commercial comes on he growls and barks at the TV. And I’m not sure why, since it isn’t actually a dog barking or running around. He barks at other real dogs on TV too.
Also, I had a friend whose husband ate some of the beef jerky strips for dogs and told her not to buy that brand again, they were the worst he’d ever tasted! I don’t think she ever told him they were dog treats. They both drank a bit…:)
Did you try licking your ass first?