I visited my aunt. At first she didn’t know who I was, probably because she can’t see very well. She has cataracts and late last fall she promised me she’d go to the doctor about them after the holidays. I teasingly accused her of ending up in the hospital to keep from going to the eye doctor.
She’s not doing well. She’s lost 13 pounds in the last few weeks since she’s been sick. She was skinny before all this. She doesn’t think she’ll ever go back to her apartment. She’s having trouble keping food down. I’m going to try to talk with her doctor and therapist tomorrow.
What do you tell someone who wants to die?
She still has 90% of her mental abilities. Though she does seem to have slipped there a little. Sometimes I wonder if it would be easier if she didn’t know what was going on. But I think that would be worse. She’s able to tell you that she loves you and is so thankful that I’m here. She talked about the time right after Hurricane Charley hit in 2004 and she was sitting in her neighbors house without electricity (90 F) and looked out the window and saw me standing there. After not being able to contact her for two days, I jumped on a plane and flew down to check on her. All power was out for several weeks, so I ended up driving her to my cousins house in Louisiana (actually they me m half way). A few weeks later when they finally got her power back on, I flew to New Orleans and drove her back home.
I guess it’s just important to be there for them.
i guess tell her that the big man’s not ready for her just yet.
Jonco – Your post reminds me of going through it last March with my mother. Trust me. It is much worse when they don’t have a clue about what is going on. My Mom got to the point that she didn’t know me or anyone else. She thought that I was my Dad who she divorced 47 years ago. To answer your question about dying, when folks get to a certain age, the though of death is not such a big deal as long as there is somebody near them to talk to. So be there for her, as you have in the past. Selah.
Very sweet Kris! Jon, I feel your pain, agonizing and frustrating combined. I was in that situation 6 years ago. The only thing I could think of was to tell her to get that out of her mind, you are gonna be here for awhile. It worked for 3 years. My thoughts are with you in this difficult time. Take care.
Ken
Jonco:
I am sorry your aunt is not feeling well. With all due respect, if her health is deteriorating and there is no hope to get better, please, consider HOSPICE for your aunt. This is a noble and compassionate way to live your last days or weeks. I wish I have this option when my dad was dying.
JL^
In my opinion, people have the right to do what they want with their own lives, including ending them. If she’s suffering, let her go.
My grandma lived with Alzheimer’s for more than 10 years (she died in 2008) and in the last few years she didn’t recognize her most close family and not even herself. About 4 or 5 years before dying she wanted to call me to give her water (she had a very hard time moving) and called me by the word I reminded her of at that moment: blue. I was seeing the woman who raised me (working parents), who always lived in my house calling me by the colour of my shirt.
Another time I found her in the bathroom calling her grandmother, which was no more than her reflection on the mirror.
If she had the mind to know the state she was in her last years, bedridden, completely dependant, not even capable of producing a word, she would probably want to die rather than be seen by everyone like a deformed shadow of her former self, a strong woman who raised 7 children (and buried 2) out of extreme poverty (Portugal was under Salazar back then). I would have supported her decision without question.
She eventually died at 96, an empty vessel whose soul was long gone. That day it wasn’t my grandmother who died. It was her body. She had been gone long before…
Tell them you love them. Tell them it’s OK. Doesn’t matter what “it” is as it will probably mean something different for both of you.
I’m in my 60’s and the thought has occurred to me that I won’t be around for ever. I didn’t get a chance to talk to my father and had little time to talk to my mother. My father-in-law was ill for 6 years and deteriorated over that time but he remembered the past very clearly.
Don’t burden them with your problems but let them lead the conversation. Be honest and respectful and, as Richard says, be there as you have in the past.
Remember that it’s about your ability to let them go if they are ready.
That’s a tough one, Jonco. Gramma J lived to a few months past her 100th birthday. For the last decade or more, she was too old to really get around, and sat and stared out the window with the tv always on (even tho she was almost totally deaf). She wondered why she was still alive…talked about how she’d buried her parents, all her siblings, two husbands, two of her three children. All her old friends were gone, and her old neighbors too. Even the places she’d lived, worked, shopped, gone to school, a lot of them were gone. She really didn’t understand the world anymore, and couldn’t figure out all the cable channels or the remote, the non-rotary dial telephone, programmable thermostats. She couldn’t hear on the phone and a live conversation was real work. She wondered why she had to be the one to suffer the longest, and the last couple of years were spent in a nursing home, where, after visiting and looking around, you could kinda see her point. In the end, I think she just wanted to give up, and she didn’t exactly die, she just stopped living.
I don’t know what you say. How can you say, ‘Hang on’ when they know their vision is gone, their hearing is gone, their body is failing, and almost everyone and everything they’ve ever known is gone? Hang on for what? It’s hard to imagine what’s happening in their mind.
I think we sometimes know when our time is almost up before anyone else realizes or admits it.
We’ve gotten to know her a little bit over the years here and she sounds like a wonderful woman. And you’re doing exactly what you should…being there and holding her hand and letting her talk and reminisce and tell you she loves you.
My thoughts are with her and you and your family.
I agree with JLG – If there really is such a thing as angels here on Earth, you can find many of them at Hospice.
Hi Jonco, you’re being there for your Aunt obviously means everything to her, it’s also the best that you can do.
I’ve experienced the pain of losing both of my parents in past years, so I can understand where you’re coming from.
Going on your previous posts, your Aunt is such a wonderful lady who has stories aplenty to tell, if she feels it’s her time is running short, help her achieve a little immortality by posting some of her wonderful anecdotes right here on B&P. The little snippet of story you’ve posted above is a fantastic example.
I’m certain there are a number of other readers of B&P who would love to read the tales your Aunt could recall…
Take care of yourself and your family…
One last little thing, I’m not trying to create a spam message here, but I recently started a group on Facebook called Deserved Dignity, it’s a public access group, so if anyone has any opinions, feel free to air them on there…
Heart-wrenching! But being there is the thing you CAN do. And that is more than many old people have, when there in this situation.
All my best in this difficult time.
I work in the Senior Retirement Community industry. Your last sentence says it all, “I guess it’s just important to be there for them.”
I can’t tell you how many times I have seen the children put Mom/Dad in a ‘home’ and then go crazy spending Mom/Dad’s money.
It is very obvious that you care deeply for your aunt, and I hope you will continue to see her as regularly as you are able-experience tells me that it means more to her than you’ll ever know.
I doff my hat to you-you have my respect and admiration. You are in my thoughts and prayers.
I think you just hold her hand and be ‘standing outside the window’ when she needs you. SHw knows she is loved and she knows you are there for her. Sometimes I think it is harder for us than it is for them. Just tell her that you would miss her…
You are both in my thoughts, Jonco. xxoo
Jonco, God bless you and your family, you are in my thoughts and prayers. Let me suggest one step that I think will make all the difference in the world to your aunt. Please try to convince her to see an eye doctor and get cataract surgery. It is painless, easy (I’ve been through it), very low risk for someone her age, and will immediately (within a few hours of surgery) restore her sight. Once her vision is restored, you may very well see her back to her old self, if she has 90% of her faculties and her general decline attributable to depression and losing a “will to live”. From being legally blind in the morning, I was 20/20 when I returned for a check-up the following day. I will continue to pray for your aunt and continue as well to be a several-times-a-day visitor to your wonderfully entertaining website!
I can definitely sympathize and feel your pain and frustration. My mother is in the late stages of Alzhaimer’s and we know for a fact that she never wanted to live like this. I realize your aunt’s situation is different, but all you can do is be there for your her. You don’t have to tell her anything; just listen and don’t be judgmental on what she says. I have always thought that, after living a long, hard life, a person’s final days should be a whole lot easier than they are. It’s rough on them, and very hard for the family. You obviously have lots of friends and lots of support here. You’re very lucky. You’ll get through this.
Thanks for all the kind words. I’m only here for three days, then it’ll be another month or two before I come back unless something happens, so I don’t feel too deserving about “being there for her”. I’m not sure what her prognosis is… hopefully I’ll get a better idea of that in the next day or two.
She’s not really in any real pain and she has most of her mental abilities, but she’s just tired of living I think. She can’t eat anything but pureed food, can’t hear well, and now can’t see well so she can’t read any longer (which she loved to do) and won’t turn the TV on because she doesn’t want to disturb the neighbors. She gotten like this before when she was hospitalized, but kind of bounced back after getting back to her apartment in the assisted living facility. She doesn’t think she’s ever going to be able to go back now, so
I think it’s harder. She says she prays to die and I think she’s getting peeved at the “big guy” up there because he’s not listening.
As far as Alzheimers, we’re right in the middle of that adventure with my mother-in-law. Life sure can be interesting can’t it?
Jonco–I am sorry about your aunt. i hope she gets better.
I agree with those that say to be there and be a good listener for her–just be there for her. I have heard good things about Hospice and that is something you should consider for your aunt; I think it helped my mother-in-law when she died.
What to say to her? That is a tough one. As krisgo said, God will take her when He is ready; if she is a Christian, you can remind her that God will take away all pain and tears in Heaven.
What you are going through is not something I look forward to, but I know the day is coming when I have parents, aunts, and uncles in the same condition as your aunt.
Lots of kind words and thoughts here Jonco. All I can add to the above is keep your chin up Sweets and keep smiling for your lovely Aunt. That’s got to be a tough bugger. Hugs.
I really liked what QueenElectric said about cataract surgery. I bet just being able to see well again would perk her up considerably, and being able to read again would be a big plus to someone that loves to read. If hearing aids are an option perhaps that would allow her to watch tv again without disturbing her neighbors. I would guess that the gradual loss of those senses that have been there to one degree or another all your life would eventually lead to depression and sap your will to live. Blessings on you and your aunt, Jonco. Tell her the folks at B&P think she’s a special lady, and that we love to hear stories about her. And just keep being the good nephew that you are.
I’ve been there. My father was having a *lot* of trouble swallowing and didn’t want to eat or drink while in the hospital. A nurse said “You know he’ll get better, then come back again soon. Having trouble eating is one of the signs that they’re ready to die.” It came as a huge shock to me and after much thinking I talked with my father. I told him if he didn’t eat he wouldn’t get better. I asked him if he as OK with dying. He was. So we opted for hospice and a week later (no eating or drinking at all) he died. We made sure he was comfortable and had morphine.
Jonco – a few years back around Christmas time my Grandma went and had her hair done got all spruced up told my ante that was helping her that she was going to spend Christmas with Gorge (my Grandfather) she then sat down in her chair and went to sleep and died.
That was the way I would want to go on my terms.
it is always hard to know you are losing a loved one. hold tight to your faith and know we are here for you.
Keeping you in our thoughts and prayers.
I’ve been going through the same thing with my 85-yr old aunt since she had a stroke last spring – best thing you can do is take care of her, and most importantly, make her laugh – there is little of this left in the world, let alone with someone who is on their way. Make light of things around her, but at the same time comfort her if she is afraid. Let her know that you are going to be there until the end, that you are there to take care of her no matter. We’ll all be there – only a matter of time. Treat her as you would want someone to treat you when you arrive to this destination.
Greetings Jonco. I’m a long time fan. Just want to tell you that you are a loving nephew. You have great friends who share sound counsel and comforting words. Hope you aunt feels better soon
Jonco – Right now, just hold her hand, make a connection, and let her talk. As you leave, or whenever you feel it’s right, tell her “It’s ok to let go when you’re ready”. When you leave contact hospice in your own area. They’re a phenomenal organization that helps not only patients but also their families. They’ll be able to help you figure out what to do. Peac to you in this journey.
Tell her you love her.
It’s so hard to see someone you love just give up, some times they do know when it’s their time. I do believe it’s harder on us than on them. Please know that your family is on our minds.
Jonco,
My grandma’s last few years taught me a lot about living and dying. She had a heart attack that left her with 35% capabilities — basically, she was bedridden and hurting. When I was able to make a visit to her (Hawaii to Oklahoma), she kept saying she didn’t know why God was making her suffer, why God was putting us through all of this, and why God would enjoy such pain. It was hard to hear but really got me thinking.
On the last day of the visit, when she asked me why I thought God was making her suffer, I explained it was probably our own selfishness — that she was such an important and strong person in our lives, we weren’t ready to give her up. In my last few conversations with her, I told her that while I wasn’t ready to let her go, I understood she was ready to say goodbye, so that I would do my best to begin to let go. “You’ve made an indelible impression on my life and I can’t wait to let your legacy live on.” I really think it helped her in her last few months to know that while we wouldn’t want her to suffer, we were having a hard time letting her go.
Many years ago my grandmother said that she didn’t know why she was still alive. Not a death wish kind of thing, I think she wondered why. The only thing I that came to MY mind was< and I said, so that I can bring my children to you and say, "Kids, THIS is your GREAT grandmother". She remained cognizant for about ten years longer. Bless her heart.
If she can’t hear very well and can’t see much either, but likes to read, perhaps some books on CD might do the trick for her. Get her some earphones so she doesn’t think she’s bothering the neighbors.
The best thing I gave my mother before she died was a portable DVD player as they didn’t have any way to play movies at the hospice where she stayed. She really enjoyed that.
P.S. I am sorry for this time in your life and I hope you and your family are able to celebrate the wonders of your aunt’s life and not focus on the sadder aspects of this situation
You mentioned that she didn’t want to disturb her neighbors with the TV. If it is a problem with the volume, most TVs have an earplug jack and you can buy the earplug at Radio Shack or any place that sells TVs.
Jonco – Your question brings back memories of a much sadder time. Loosing her battle to cancer, Mom used to have Dad read the obituarys daily for her name. She was sure she was supposed to be listed. Hospice was a blessing. After she passed, Dad carried a living will with him all the time – he lost interest in living after Mom passed. (In my heart I believe they’re now together.)
Ultimately, your aunt only needs to know that you love her and will honor her decision either way. Love doesn’t die – but it hurts like hell to no longer have the physical person there. My thoughts and prayers are with you.
For you I’m glad she has some mental left,
my mom came home on hospice with severe lung and heart problems, was okay for a couple weeks, then had a major stoke, was comatose for over a week before she let go and went to become what she wanted to become.
The last thing to go is the hearing, so keep talking to her and let her know we all want her back home to enjoy life again.
Celebrate Life
Well…religious questions of course apply to whatever you tell someone…
But for me, it comes down to, “Maybe you’ve just got something else to see.”
I think there comes a point when we know ourselves that we have had enough and want the peace of the long sleep. Tell her you love her, let her know you will miss her, but that you understand that she wants that peace and let her go.
My grandmother is going through this as well. On our last visit, she told me she didn’t want to live another year. It’s been a year. I can’t tell you what to say. However, my thoughts and prayers are with you.
As for your aunt and all the people who are waiting to die, all I can say is that each thing has its time. We come. We stay. We pass on. While we’re here, we make the best of it. When it’s our time to go, no amount of pleading will buy us another moment. Until then, no amount of begging will make it come sooner.
I don’t think it’s cruelty that God makes us live on, makes us watch ourselves fall apart and rot. I think we just have our time, and then it’s over.
I’m sorry about your aunt Jonco. This is how my grandmother and godfather passed away. They were paralyzed and just didn’t have the will to live anymore. Are you able to take your aunt home with you and look after her for a while? I think she needs to move away from where she is now, to be surrounded by family and have a break. It must be very lonely, boring and frustrating for her where she is now. Do you think a change of scenery will do her some good?
Many people said my there was no point in my grandmother getting eye surgery, her being 80+ and in an assisted living home. They were wrong and QueenElectric is right. It was very dramatic change for the better. She had slowly become depressed and started disconnecting from every one. But once she had her vision back she was happy again. There was very little talk of not want to be here any more. As far as hospice, don’t be afraid to call them. They are angels, and can help so much when the last days fly at you. I will never forget their faces, they became part of our family.
Jonco-I’m so sorry to hear about your aunt. It’s such a hard thing to deal with and it’s obvious you care a great deal about her. You are doing one of the best things you can-you are there for her. Talk to her doctors, it might be time for hospice care. But let her know you are fine with her decision. I remember visiting with my dad a few days before he passed away. We talked for quite a while but he did say he was very tired – and it wasn’t because he was sleepy, it was because he’d been in pain for a long time. I called my sister and when she arrived the next day, she had the courage to tell him it was okay to let go. He fell asleep and left us shortly after that. I know I couldn’t have done that because I couldn’t imagine not having him, but 10 years later I truly appreciate what my sister did. A year ago, when Mom was in hospice, I was able to say those words to her, knowing it was for the best. My thoughts and prayers are with you, your aunt and your family.
My grandma died a year ago, a few months shy of her 102 birthday. Like your aunt, she had been doing really well, still having her mental faculties and still able to walk. But she was ready to go, and we all knew it. When she got a lung infection she really didn’t want it treated at all, certainly with nothing aggressive. My mom overheard her yelling at the doctors, accusing them of trying to keep her alive when it wasn’t what she wanted. She was still her fiesty self.
It can be hard to accept when our loved ones are ready to move on, but after such a long life, there does come a point when they’re ready, and I think we need to make sure we know/understand that they’re ready and not try to guilt them into fighting a battle they no longer wish to win. Be there for them, as you are and have been, and let them know it’s okay.
You’ve got my sympathy – my mom is 87 and in relatively good health at the moment. I think it’s worse, too, when they don’t know what is happening. My mom has pretty strong faith, and has actually been “ready to go” ever since losing my dad over 25 years ago! But it’s still scary when that time comes. It’s good that you are there for her and so caring. Everyone should have someone like that in their last years/days. When it’s her time, she’ll go. For the sake of all of you, I hope it’s a peaceful thing.
You can’t really tell her anything that she doesn’t already know, Jonco.
It IS important for her to know that you are there for her.
So hang in there – you are doing the right thing to help her through this
difficult time.
No wise words here but I’ll keep her in my prayers. I’ve enjoyed reading your posts about her and seeing her pictures. She’s been a feisty lil’ thing, hasn’t she? Just be there for her, tell her everything you’ve ever wanted to say to her. Tell her what she’s meant to you. Everyone needs to know that they mattered to someone in their lives, you know? Give her our love…I bet it would make her smile to know that a bunch of internet wahoos actually love her!
Support them and love them through their final transition.. My grandmother wanted to go last summer but had all of her wits about her. She was done though, she was tiored of fighting, she just wanted to rest. She made a decision to stop eating and told all of her children, (my mother and uncles), that she was done. While very hard on us all we supported her through this… It was tough. She was a 20 yr dialuses patient and had done everything she felt she needed to do. We had a day where everyon came to say their goodbyes, 62 people made their way through that room that day.. after that My mom never left the hospital and hospice, she cared for her mother in the way a mother cares for her infant, making her as comfortable as possible even when gma was unable to communicate what may have been uncomfortable.. It was amazing. Best of luck tou you and your aunt. I have been looking at your sight for about 5 years now, I don’t comment much but enjoy your site daily.
all the best to both of you
You are doing your best! And can assure you she is not suffering more than you are! Try to take things more lightly since she is not in the same tune as you, so, turn things easier for you not to become stressed. Take care. I know what this is all about.
You are a good, good man.
Jonco, I’ve never been in your situation. I was with my son when he died and with my father when he died. But basically, we’re not you so although we empathize with you, we can’t know exactly how YOU feel. And that’s what we worry about. Because we care about you and we’re sorry for your pain.
For your Aunt, tell her You love her, tell her Thank you, tell her You’ve made a difference in my life. That’s what I would like to hear. When I think of the elderly, I think of my favorite John Prine song called Hello in There.
You know that old trees just grow stronger,
Old rivers just grow wilder every day,
Old People just grow lonesome,
Waiting for someone to say,
Hello in There,
Hello.
I’m doing OK and will be OK regardless of the outcome. I just want to do right by her. She was always there for me growing up and when my mom was sick and dying, she came to St. Louis from Florida and stayed with her until the end which was about a month. I owe her for that alone.
You have a good heart. I understand where you are at right now.
My mom is in the same situation right now (she lives already in a nursing home) – she is failing, not eating or drinking, and it absolutely breaks my heart to see her. I keep telling myself that she has had a wonderful, (up to not long ago) healthy, and very long life – and that this last part of her life is a relatively short part of it, and is certainly not representative of the kind of life she enjoyed for the past almost-93 years. I am trying to not focus only on the inevitable, but to keep the bigger picture in mind. It is difficult.
I think the only thing to be done in a situation like this is to tell them you love them, spend time with them and make sure that they are being kept as comfortable as possible by the staff who are caring for them (eg. eliminate unnecessary medications that won’t make a difference any more, and more painkillers if required).
It is brutal. Hang in there, and take care of yourself. Your aunt is so lucky to have you.